Starship Titanic

Bolfass hesitated a fraction of a second, and then nodded to Corporal Inchbewigglit. Corporal Inchbewigglit hesitated even less than a fraction of a second and handed the phone to Nettie. Nettie switched it on.

'Two...' said the bomb.

'Oh, bomb!' said Nettie. 'This is Nettie. Remember me?'

'Er... One...' said the bomb. 'How many fours make eight?'

'Er...er...Zeee...'

'No... How many fours make eight?' 'Er... er... Two?' said the bomb. 'How many twos in six?' 'Three...' said the bomb.

'And how many times does three go into twelve?'

'Four...' said the bomb. It paused for a moment and then continued: 'Five... Six... Seven...'

'Phew!' said Nettie. 'That'll buy a bit of time...'

'Why have you put this bomb onto our ship?' demanded Bolfass.

'Your ship?' exclaimed Nettie.

'Why do you sound so surprised?' cried Bolfass. 'Do you think we're not skillful enough to have built such a wonderful thing?'

'Oh no!' replied Nettie. 'I didn't mean anything like that - it's just that you attacked the ship. It didn't seem like you owned it.'

'Of course we own it!' Nettie thought Captain Bolfass appeared a trifle defensive. 'Legally and morally! This ship is our rightful recompense for all the misery and hardship that we have suffered at the hands of the Blerontinians!'

'Look! I don't want to appear stupid...'

'You could never look that, Nettie,' the Captain assured her.

'Thank you...' Nettie felt herself charmed by this short, fair stranger, in whose hands her fate apparently lay. 'But I don't know the background history to all this...'

'And I will be delighted to tell you the whole story, dear lady-' Bolfass gave her deep bow - 'but first it is my unpleasant task to ask you once again: Why have you placed a bomb on this ship?'

'We haven't!' Nettie gave a little laugh that sent the Captain's heart reeling after his wobbly knees. 'We're on this ship by accident...' and she told Bolfass the whole story; how Dan and Lucy were about to turn the old rectory into a hotel, with the money from the Top Ten Travel Agency, and how the Starship had crashed into the house; how they had been invited aboard by a polite robot, and of all the things that had passed on the ship up until the invasion by the good Captain's forces.

When she had finished there was a long pause, until Nettie eventually added: 'And that's it... really.'

Bolfass seemed to suddenly recollect himself - as if he'd been in a dream while she'd been talking. He jumped to attention, and clicked his heels in a most courteous manner.

'I understand perfectly, dear lady,' he said, bowing and kissing her hand. Captain Bolfass increasingly looked as if he had just stepped out of a Jane Austen novel.

'All we want to do is to get back to Earth,' said Nettie.

'Of course!' Captain Bolfass clicked his heels again, in that way that made Nettie wriggle inside with delight. 'I am entirely at your service. Come!'

And Nettie followed the Captain, her high heels clicking on the beautifully laid floor of the work area.

20

Dan wasn't quite sure why he was surprised to find that there were cells on the Starship Titanic. It made sense in a way, he supposed, and yet they seemed totally out of place amidst all this luxury and elegance. The cell that he and The Journalist had been thrown into was, as cells tend to be, bare and cold. It was also damp, which is certainly what you expect cells to be but a bit surprising on such a technologically advanced vehicle.

'Lucy is such a good flick,' said The Journalist, shaking his head in admiration. 'You are a lucky man!'

'Look,' said Dan, 'I hate to disabuse you, but on Earth our attitude to these sorts of things is not the same as you Blerontinians.

You're telling me!' exclaimed The Journalist. 'When Lucy first suggested we have sex I could hardly believe my ears!'

'She did what?' exclaimed Dan.

'Well - we thought that the bomb was going to explode any second and she just kind of... Hey! Come to think of it! D'you think your other friend - what's her name?'

'She suggested... you make love?'

'The blonde one - Nightie!'

'Nettie.'

'D'you think Nettie knows about talking to the bomb?'

'I don't believe Lucy "suggested" you have sex!' replied Dan.

'That was when I first realized how different sexual attitudes must be on your planet!'

Dan went a bit quiet. In all the years he had known Lucy, and what was it? oh! it must be all of thirteen years now (probably more since they'd been travelling at the speed of light!) and in all those years he couldn't remember Lucy initiating a single sexual act. In the early years, he would sometimes lie awake at night, waiting to see if she would start, but he finally gave up. She was always perfectly happy to make love - but he had to make the first approach. He'd always assumed that was just how she was.

'Hey! Jailer!' The Journalist was yelling out of the bars.

'The! Is that you?' Lucy's voice came from the cell down the row.

'Lucy!' cried The Journalist. 'Pipes of Pangalin! I want to screw the arse off you!'

'STOP IT!' screamed Dan, and he threw himself at The Journalist. The two of them rolled around the sodden floor of their cell, with Dan punching and kicking and The surprised Journalist trying to defend himself.

'Dan! DAN! Is that you?' Lucy was yelling. She could hear them fighting. 'Stop that! We've got to save our strength! We've got to get out of here!'

'Lucy's right!' The Journalist panted, and suddenly the fight went out of Dan. Suddenly he found himself wondering why he was so jealous.

'Why did you attack me?' asked The Journalist.

Dan was just about to explain about the history of sexual mores on Earth, but he stopped himself. 'Look!' he said instead. 'Let's call a truce. Just don't talk about sex for the rest of the day, all right?'

'If you'd rather... But don't worry about me. I'm not shocked by the laxity of your Earth morals...'

'Just shut up about it for a few minutes!'

'OK!' replied The Joumalist.

'Now,' said Dan. 'Suppose you tell me everything you know about this Starship that we're all stuck on, and then maybe together we can figure a way to get off it.'

'Dan! I love you!' shouted Lucy from her cell.

'I love you too!' Dan shouted back.

'Me too!' shouted The Journalist.

Dan fought back the urge to hit him and said: 'Tell me what you know.'

And so The Journalist told Dan about how the construction of the Starship Titanic had bankrupted the planet of Yassacca, and how Star-Struct Inc. had then removed the construction work, without paying their debts. He told Dan of the rumours of financial trouble that had dogged the building of the ship on Blerontin, of the suspected shoddy workmanship of the Unmarried Teenage Mothers employed on the work, and how corners had been cut. He told Dan of Leovinus, the architect, engineer, artist, composer and greatest general all-round genius in the Galaxy, and how he had met him on the night before the launch. He told Dan of his meeting with Scraliontis, the accountant, who had told him of the bomb and the plot to scuttle the great Starship and claim the insurance, shortly before plunging to his death after being attacked by a parrot.

The Journalist then told Dan how, despite his wounds, he had decided to stow away on board in order to get the great scoop that had always hitherto eluded him in his career as a journalist he'd expose the full story behind the construction of the Starship and, at the same time, give a first hand account of what it was like to be the only passenger on board. (The idea had been to launch the ship on automatic, before flying her to Dormillion, where she was to pick up her first crew and passengers.)