Her anger and shock at Henrik’s reaction was like a weight lying on her chest; she could almost feel it. Her arms and legs felt numb, and her throat ached, as if she were coming down with something. The tears were burning beneath her eyelids.
She had no idea how to react to Henrik’s harsh words. If he was serious, she would have to give up all thoughts of the job in Malmö. Or think about whether she was prepared to move to Malmö without her husband.
It was more painful than she could possibly have imagined.
Was the job as legal adviser to the southern region worth a wrecked marriage?
Of course not. But the answer wasn’t that clear cut.
As she went into the kitchen and got out Henrik’s favorite whisky to pour herself a generous glass, she wished yet again that she’d never received the call from human resources.
With glass in hand, she picked up her sailing jacket and walked down to the jetty. The boys were fast asleep. It was perfectly safe to leave them for a few minutes. She sat down on one of the chairs and gazed out over the sea. Being by the water normally made her feel better. Just the sight of the shining surface of the sea would bring her peace. But tonight it wasn’t helping at all.
The weight on her chest was just as palpable as before.
The sound of footsteps on the gravel made her jump.
“Are you sitting here all on your own?” Signe was standing there, looking at her.
“It was such a lovely evening. I just wanted to watch the sunset.” Nora’s brave attempt to smile ended up as more of a grimace. She just couldn’t help it; the tears poured down her face.
“But, my dear child, whatever’s happened?” Signe looked anxiously at Nora.
“Nothing, really, it’s nothing.” She knew she didn’t sound particularly convincing.
“But I can see something’s wrong. Come on, now. Tell me what’s happened.” Signe sat down on the chair next to Nora and gently touched her arm. “It can’t be that bad. Is it something to do with Henrik? Where is he, by the way?”
“Out sailing,” Nora sobbed. “The twenty-four-hour race.”
With the tears still flowing, she told Signe what had happened earlier that evening. She told her about the new job, the visit to the recruitment consultant, and Henrik’s reaction.
Signe looked at Nora. The sun had gone down, and shadows were taking over. Nora could see the sorrows of a lifetime reflected in Signe’s eyes.
“What do you want?” Signe asked.
“I don’t know. Well, yes, I do. I want Henrik to want me to take that job.”
“And if that doesn’t happen?”
“Then I don’t know what I want. But how can I turn down an opportunity like this? What are they going to say at the bank if I do? And I hate working for my current boss. He’s an idiot.” The tears started again. “I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.” By now Nora was crying so hard she was shaking.
Signe took a handkerchief out of her pocket and passed it to Nora. “There, there,” she said. “My dear, there are many things you might bitterly regret in your life. I can promise you that turning down a job isn’t one of them.” Signe stroked Nora’s cheek. “You’re so young. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and your wonderful boys to enjoy.”
“Do you regret never having any children of your own?” The question slipped out before she could stop herself. She looked at Signe in horror. She had never asked anything like that before.
“Sweetheart, of course I would have loved children of my own. But sometimes things don’t turn out the way you wish.” She gazed out over the sea and slumped slightly. “There are a whole lot of things that don’t turn out the way you wish. Things you regret when it’s too late.”
Nora walked back to the house deep in thought.
She brought in the cushions from the garden furniture and locked the outside door. The pelargoniums got a drop of water once the sun had gone down. Then she switched off the lights on the ground floor and went upstairs to the boys’ room.
The only sound in the house was their gentle breathing as they slept.
As usual Simon was lying on his knees as if in prayer, sleeping with his head buried deep in the pillow. She bent down and stroked his soft cheek. He was sweating slightly in his sleep, making the hair curl above his ears.
She lifted him up and carried him to her own bed. He settled in without waking up. Slowly she got undressed and lay down beside him, as close to his warm little body as she could get. As the tears began to flow again she stroked his soft stomach, rising and falling as he breathed. She stared out into the darkness.
FRIDAY, THE FOURTH WEEK
CHAPTER 64
When the digital clock showed 6:23, Nora abandoned the attempt to sleep.
Simon was rolled up beside her in a little ball. He had thrown off the covers, but his forehead was still sweaty. Through the open window she could see clear blue sky.
It was going to be another beautiful summer’s day.
But it had been a terrible night.
She had slept only intermittently, her muscles tensed to the breaking point. It was as if she had been lying as stiff as a board with her hands by her sides, constantly on alert. Time after time she had woken up, and before she remembered why, she had been overwhelmed by the pain in her chest. Then she had relived that dreadful conversation with Henrik, and the tears had begun to flow again.
She had been tormented by terrifying dreams in which they split up. The house had to be sold, and the children were forced to leave their home.
Logically, she was able to tell herself that it was just an ordinary argument, but her body knew better. The entire basis of their life together was at stake. That was how bad it was.
She buried her nose in Simon’s warm back and felt the tears welling up again, but his warm little-boy smell made her smile in spite of herself. Whatever happened, she had the children.
She forced herself to think about something else.
Today they were going to Grönskär. She had been looking forward to visiting the lighthouse for ages; it was a well-known landmark throughout the archipelago. Excursions with the Friends of Sandhamn were always enjoyable, and Nora’s parents and Signe were coming, too.
But how was she going to be able to control herself during the day? If her mother found out what had happened, she would have to tell her the whole sorry tale.
That was unthinkable, especially with the children there.
Better to say nothing at all, even if it meant pretending everything was fine. Strangely enough, she didn’t mind Signe knowing what had happened. She had no regrets about confiding in her; last night she had really needed someone to talk to. Besides, Signe wasn’t the kind of person who would offer advice unless she was asked.
Unlike Nora’s mother.
Nora took a deep breath and once again resolved to think about something else. Henrik would be back from the race soon enough, and then they would have to try to sort this out.
Until then, she would just have to switch to autopilot.
The boat to Grönskär was due to leave at nine thirty. The Friends had chartered a taxi boat to transport the forty participants. Everyone was to bring a picnic, plus a blanket to sit on. There would be a tour of the lighthouse, followed by a group picnic on the rocks nearby.