“Moron,” stated Gnick.
“You see,” began Melvin, “Snow White was a famous cat burglar in Thiside. She robbed everyone. She was the only person to ever break into the Wizards’ Council Chambers in Oz and steal one of the seven sacred books of magic.”
“There was… is an Evil Queen. Snow White broke into her castle and tried to steal her cauldron,” said General Gnarly.
“When running from the Queen’s guards, she found refuge in the Dwarves’ summer cottage,” added Gnick as he started in on his second plate of food. The little man had a considerable appetite. By Robert’s reckoning he must already have consumed his own weight in food and for the life of him couldn’t figure out where Gnick was putting it all.
“And the Dwarves took her in, right? Took care of her?” asked Robert, who was trying to hold onto the last vestiges of the stories from his childhood. “Until Prince Charming could come back to her.”
“There is no Prince Charming.”
“There is no Prince Charming?”
“There’s a very nice Frog Prince who lives in the swamps in the South of Munchkinland,” said Melvin.
“Actually, he’s a King now,” said General Gnarly.
“Really? Good for him.”
“I met him a few years ago, nicest Frog I’ve ever met.”
“Excuse me!” cried Robert. “Can we stay on topic for a minute? What happened to Snow White if there was no Prince Charming?”
“I’ll get us another round of drinks,” said Melvin and headed for the bar.
“Are you okay, moron? You’re looking a bit pale.”
“It’s a lot for him to take in,” said Lily’s silky voice from behind him. “Imagine, General, if you’d grown up believing that Thiside was nothing but make-believe? Just stories in a book and then one day you find out it was all real. But not exactly the way you were told.”
Robert turned around to find Lily standing at the bottom of the stairway. Her hair hung freely around her shoulders and she wore a black nightdress that clung to all the right places, outlining a fiendishly lovely body. The hem had been pinned up to accommodate Lily’s shorter stature and Robert assumed Maureen must have loaned it to her for the evening.
“Well, yes… uh, well,” stammered Robert. Lily’s dress felt like a slap across the back of his eyeballs. “It is all a bit overwhelming. So what happened to Snow White?”
Melvin returned to the table with four tankards of beer and a glass of wine for Lily, who pulled up a stool.
“Are you sure you want to know?” asked the Humanimal.
“To be honest, no. But I suppose I have to get used to things like this.”
Melvin settled back into his seat, adjusted his glasses so they were still slightly crooked, only at a different slant, and began. “You have to remember that this was a long time ago, long before I was born, before the Agency ever existed, before the Tower. There was no form of policing or security in Thiside. It was very much every man, woman, Humanimal, whatever, for themselves and the population had no trouble taking matters into their own hands. The Dwarves returned to their summer cottage the day after Snow White attempted to steal from the Evil Queen and found the young girl trying to break into their safe. As a rule, most Dwarves are kind and reasonable folk. They’re the kind of people that if you were down on your luck, they’d offer to help you out. But if it ever entered your mind to attempt to steal their gold, they’d rather decapitate you than look at you.”
“They didn’t?” said Robert, mouth agape.
“They take the theft of gold very seriously. She was executed and her body was fed to the animals of the forest.”
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
Lily sighed and took a sip of wine before placing a comforting hand on Robert’s shoulder. “I know it must all be a bit of a shock, but you’ve got to try and forget what you already know. You’re going to find a lot of discrepancies in the stories of Othaside.”
“Didn’t they put her head on a stick and place it outside the cottage to warn other thieves of what would happen if they messed with their gold?” asked Gnick through a mouthful of food.
“Oh god,” said Robert who was beginning to feel queasy.
“Those were darker times,” said General Gnarly nodding.
“You should drink up, Robert,” said Lily, “and we should all get to bed; I want to get an early start in the morning.”
Lily got up and offered her hand to Robert, who thought she was being overly nice considering her hot and cold mood throughout the day.
“Uh, thanks for the food, Melvin,” said Robert.
“Don’t mention it.”
“And for the hospitality.”
“It’s what we do,” grinned Melvin.
“And I’m sorry for the goa―ehh, the comment earlier.”
“Moron,” said Gnick.
“Already forgotten,” said Melvin.
Lily pulled on Robert’s hand and led him up the stairs. The stairs doubled back on themselves and opened up into a narrow hallway lit by candles hung on the wall. Ten wooden doors lined the hallway.
Lily stopped at the third door and let Robert in.
He slid past her into a small room lit with a single oil lamp. The room was sparsely furnished with a desk and chair and low bed with a large feather mattress piled with warm-looking blankets and fluffy pillows. The furniture was all roughly carved, causing the lamp light to throw angular shadows across the wall. The room felt so warm and cosy that Robert felt he could sink into the bed and lie there happily for the rest of his life.
He turned to see Lily leaning against the doorframe, her arms crossed, her dark hair slightly tousled, the lamp light gleaming playfully in her amber eyes. If a simple look could offer a suggestion, Robert would have guessed that Lily was tempting him in some way.
“Have a good sleep, Robert Darkly. I hope you find a place in this world.”
Or maybe it was just the beer talking. Lily smiled and closed the door behind her. She was beautiful; no question about it, but there was something mysterious about her that he couldn’t put his finger on. Of course, females had always presented themselves as a complete mystery to Robert, and most of mankind, he expected. He’d long ago concluded that men and women were never meant to understand each other. If the world would accept that one simple truth, then everyone would be a lot better off.
Robert sat on the bed and sank into the soft mattress. The Goatheads had left a pile of clothes on the chair in his room that consisted of a pair of oversized pyjamas, a pair of pants made from some sort of rough material, a leather belt, a long-sleeved shirt, and a thick woollen sweater. Nice people, these Goatheads.
The surrealism of the day washed over him as he stripped down and pulled on the pyjamas. He was careful not to remove the necklace the White Rabbit had given him. It was hard to believe that just this morning, he had been fired from his job and had spent the early morning trudging through the rain-soaked streets of London. And now, here he was in a completely different reality, chasing an evil Dwarf, sleeping in a house run by two Humanimals, travelling with two Gnomes and a beautiful young woman. His thoughts faded as he settled down on the bed; seconds after his head hit the pillow, the lamp winked itself out and Robert was asleep.
His sleep was deep and his dreams confusing. He stared out from behind the bars of a prison, then he was in the White Rabbit’s living room, and then a bustling city with high green towers and bells chiming all around him. He was back in the halfway house and Lily was in his bed, naked, blood dripping from her mouth, and she smiled to reveal a set of fangs; she growled at him and lunged for his throat. Everything was black and then it was white. A maddening laugh screamed through the emptiness. A cat meowed and the world exploded into a million points of light, fire rose up all around him, someone screamed. Robert sat bolt upright in the bed.