“I—”
“To go out with me. That’s all.”
Of course she didn’t want to go out with him. She didn’t want to see him at all, didn’t want to think about him or to have him think about her. This sort of mess had happened once before in Indiana with Philip Dresser and that time it took her weeks to get rid of him. But she had to get through to Mike.
“Come in,” she said.
She closed the door after him and followed him to the living room. When he sat down on the couch she remained standing, nervous and jittery and not knowing exactly where to start.
“Mike,” she began.
“No decision yet?”
“No. I’ve decided.”
“And?”
It wasn’t going well at all. She had to tell him bluntly and swiftly or it would just drag on until he was back again in a few days. And that wasn’t what she wanted.
“Mike,” she said.
She paused and he stared at her.
“I don’t want to see you again.”
He didn’t seem to understand or to accept what he had heard. She wanted to leave it at that but she couldn’t. She had to get through to him.
“It’s better that way,” she went on. “I can’t tell you why exactly but it is. I just can’t see you again. If I could explain it you wouldn’t want to see me at all. Do you understand what I mean?”
“No. Not at all.”
“But you’ve got to understand. Look, I know that you want me very much. Is that right?”
He said, “That’s right.” He started to say something else but stopped himself.
“And right now you just want to see me, but if you see me you’ll want more. Won’t you?”
He tossed his head impatiently. “Jan,” he said, “I don’t know what kind of guy you went with last, but I don’t have sex on the brain. Can’t you see that? I—”
“I don’t think either of us is talking about sex.”
He was silent.
“I mean love.”
There was a long pause.
“All right,” he said at last. “I think I’m in love with you.”
“You think so. But you’re not. You don’t really know me.
“You won’t give me a chance.”
“Mike,” she said, “if you knew me you wouldn’t be in love with me.”
“Jan, you’re talking in riddles.” His voice rose. “I have to see you. Why can’t you give me a chance? Why?”
God, she thought. This is unbearable. God, I’m going to hurt him and there’s absolutely nothing else I can do.
And she said, “Because I could never possibly love you, Mike. I couldn’t possibly want to see you or be with you. Not ever.”
He leaned forward and rested his head in both hands. Neither of them said anything for several minutes! When he spoke his voice was husky.
“Jan, are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Jan, I—”
“I’m positive, Mike.”
Silence.
“I guess that’s all then.” He stood up and started for the door.
“Mike—”
He turned.
“I...I like you very much.”
“Cut it, will you?”
“I mean it. And Mike, someday you’ll find someone.”
When she said the last sentence he stopped still in his tracks with his hand outstretched for the doorknob. “You know,” he said hollowly, “there’s absolutely no answer to that one. The only thing I could say is I already have, and that’s pretty corny.”
Then he was through the door, slamming it hard behind him. The outer door banged shut seconds later and he was walking down the street swiftly with his hands plunged deep in the pockets of his dungarees. She watched from the window until he turned up Seventh Avenue and disappeared from view.
When she entered the apartment Laura was sitting on the sofa reading. She looked up and smiled, putting down the book and walking toward Jan with her arms outstretched. Jan went to her and they kissed, and Jan relaxed for the first time since Mike stormed out of her apartment.
Laura stepped back. “What’s the matter, dear?”
“Nothing. Why?”
“Because you’re shaking, idiot. Tell me about it.”
Sitting next to Laura on the sofa she said, “Mike was over to the apartment.”
“What happened?”
“I got rid of him.”
“That’s good. How?”
“I told him I didn’t want to see him again. I said I didn’t love him and I never could.”
“Did you tell him why?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, did you tell him you were gay?”
She was stunned. It had never even occurred to her, and although it was the obvious way, the way that could end things immediately between them, it seemed somehow out of the question.
“No,” she said. “I didn’t tell him that.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t even think of it.”
“That would have been the best way, Jan. Is he in love with you?”
“I think so.”
“Then he’ll be back. You’ll have to tell him next time.”
She hesitated. “I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t think I could tell him.”
Laura looked away. “Honey,” she said, “are you ashamed of what you are?”
“Don’t be silly. I just—”
“Of course you’re ashamed. It’s only natural at this point. But you’ve got to get over it, Jan. It’ll only keep you miserable.”
“I’m not miserable.”
“You will be if you don’t learn to live with yourself. Do you know what it’s like to live a lie? You worry every minute over somebody finding out that you’re gay. You’re sensitive to everything.
“Jan, you can go out of your mind that way. One day you’ll pick up a newspaper and see a headline that says Flood Waters Rise; Dikes Threatened and you’ll get defensive. You’ll—”
Jan laughed.
“I mean it,” Laura went on. “It isn’t enough to accept yourself. You’ve got to accept the fact that the world is going to know what you are.”
“Can you accept it?”
“Most of the time.”
“Does your mother know?”
“Do you think she’d be so anxious to support me if she didn’t? This way she knows I’ll stay away from her and her precious husband.”
Jan tried to picture herself telling her father, with him unable to understand it at all. She thought of what it would be like to tell the people she knew — Ruthie, Mike, her few friends from Indiana. The picture was unreal and impossible.
“I couldn’t,” she said, half to Laura and half to herself.
“You will, honey. You’ll have to.”
“But I couldn’t!”
Laura smiled and gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Don’t worry about it,” she said. “Relax. You’ll tell them in time, or else they’ll find out and confront you with it. But forget it for now. It’s only been two days, Jan. Not even that. I think you’re still a little bit afraid of it all.”
“I’m not afraid.”
“No?”
“Nope,” she said.
“You’re tough, I suppose.”
“Tough as nails.”
“You chew nails.”
“And spit bullets.”
“Come here, toughie. Kiss me.”
“That okay?”
“Mmmmm. Do it again.”
“God, how I love you!”
“Tell me again.”
“I love you, Jan.”
Teasingly, “Again.”
“I... oh, Jan!”
“I like the way you’re dressed, Jan.”
“I’m not dressed, really. I’m all mussed up.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So don’t play semantic games. But I do like your clothes. You should always wear gold, honey.”