As Jules started to ratchet up her fussing into full-fledged crying, Allison asked, “What about you? Do you want kids?”
I exhaled a long sigh. “Yeah, sure, I wouldn’t mind having a kid someday. Like you, I sure as hell don’t want it to be anytime soon.”
It seemed that Jax took my comment about not wanting kids soon a little too personally because he started wailing again. My ears rang as he and Jules seemed determined to outdo each other with their screams. “Guys, please, don’t cry. Mommy and Daddy will be back very soon,” Allison said, over the noise.
Both of us started walking around the room, bouncing a twin in our arms. But nothing that we did seemed to work. We swapped off babies for a few minutes to see if daddy’s girl, Jules, might benefit from being with me. It didn’t work. Finally, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I walked over to Allison. “Here. I have an idea. Take her for a sec.”
Allison reluctantly took Jules into her free arm. “What are you going to do?”
“I need to run next door.”
Her eyes widened. “You aren’t bailing on me, are you?”
I scowled at her for even thinking something so shitty of me. “Of course not. Just trust me. I think I know what will get them to quiet down.”
“Okay,” she replied, reluctantly.
After I hustled back to my suite, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand. When I returned to Allison, she was walking around the bedroom with both twins in her arms as they continued crying. After scrolling through a few playlists, I picked one. Then I placed my phone on the docking station beside the bed. As I reached out for Jax, the sounds of Abby and Jake singing, I’ll Take You with Me echoed through the room. At the sounds of their parents’ blending voices, Jax and Jules’s cries started to quiet. The longer the song played, the more content they grew.
As Allison shifted Jules in her arms, Jules gave a contented coo as she lay her head on Allison’s chest. Glancing down at Jax, I asked, “How’s that, Jaxy boy? You like hearing your old man and your mama making music?” I asked. He stopped gumming his fist to smile up at me. “I thought you would. They sound good together, don’t they? They make a good team.”
When I glanced up, Allison appeared almost teary as she watched me with Jax. Once again, the familiar ache burned in my chest. It always happened whenever I tried to ignore the feelings I had for Allison. Under her intense stare, it was almost hard to breathe. Part of me wanted to stop the pain by just admitting to her about how much I cared. But the stubborn ass in me overrode those thoughts and clung to the notion that we simply couldn’t be together.
Deciding to change the subject, I jerked my chin at Jules. “She’s asleep.”
Allison’s eyes lit up. “Really?” she whispered. When I nodded, she eyed Jax. “He’s almost there.”
“Think we could lay them down?”
“We could try.” She then stepped over to the Pack ‘N Play next to Jake and Abby’s massive king-sized bed. She eased Jules down onto the mattress as if she was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any minute. Once she pulled her hands away, she waited a moment to see if Jules would start crying. When she didn’t, Allison eased a pacifier into Jules’s mouth, and then stepped back.
With a wave of her hand, I stepped forward to bring Jax over. His eyelids were fluttering like he was desperately fighting sleep. After I lay him down, his eyes popped open, and he stared up at me as if daring me to try to walk away. “Easy buddy,” I whispered, as I patted his tummy. Allison squeezed in beside me to slide a pacifier between Jax’s lips. Once he was sucking voraciously, his eyes started to droop, and then he was finally asleep.
When I stepped back from the bed, Allison and I both exhaled a ragged sigh in unison. “That was intense,” I murmured in a low voice.
“Yeah, it was.”
Standing side by side with her across from an extreme cuteness overload of two sleeping babies was just a little too much for me. In a weird way, it was like we had been parenting together, and that was far too much of a commitment than I could ever allow myself with Allison. We were not meant to be, regardless of whatever I continued to feel. “Well, I guess now that everything is under control, I’ll head back to my room.”
After grabbing the baby monitor off the nightstand, she gave me a sincere smile. “I owe you a big thank you. I don’t think I could have survived without your help.”
“No need to thank me. I was glad to help,” I replied. After I grabbed my phone, I started out of the bedroom. Allison followed me out and then closed the door of Jake and Abby’s bedroom.
We stood there, staring at each other, both silently daring the other one to mention the white elephant in the room. After what felt like an eternity, neither one of us spoke up to acknowledge it. “Yeah, well, I’ll see you later,” I muttered before starting for the door.
When I reached for the doorknob, Allison’s voice caused me to freeze. “Rhys, wait.”
I whirled around. “What is it?”
Nibbling her lip, she appeared to be trying to find the right way to tell me something. Finally, she just blurted, “Eli has asked me out on a date. Alone.”
That motherfucker. It wasn’t enough he had dry-humped and kissed her last night on the dance floor, but now he was upping the ante by wanting to take her out to wine and dine her. Alone. Jake was going to love the hell out of that. At her expectant look, I knew I needed to get out of there before I betrayed any of my emotions. “Good for him. I hope you have a great time,” I replied, unable to contain my sarcasm.
“That’s all you have to say?” she asked, her expression one of betrayal.
I shrugged. “Were you looking for my permission or something? You told me last night I’m not Jake, so what does it matter to me what you do?”
Tears pooled in her eyes, causing me to feel like the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. But of course, it didn’t make me man up and tell her how I felt about her. No, I was still letting myself be deluded into the notion that I was doing what was best for the both of us. While Jake wasn’t keen on the idea of Eli dating Allison, he would feel a hell of a lot different if it were me—his bandmate and brother.
“I just thought…” She shook her head. “Never mind.”
“You thought what?” I urged.
Her dark eyes took on a pleading expression as they bore into mine. “Regardless of how badly it ended last night, I don’t believe you could be so callous as to use me the way you did,” she replied, in a hushed whisper.
Seeing her trembling body, coupled with the haunted look in her eyes, broke me. I almost barreled right through the wall that I had so carefully constructed between us by ensuring her that she wasn’t wrong about last night. It had almost been my undoing.
And then at the most inopportune moment, a scene from my childhood flashed in my mind. It reiterated to me once and for all where my horrible sense of self-worth and self-esteem come from. I was sick and home from school—a seven-year-old boy who desperately wanted some of his mother’s love and attention. Peeking through the banister, I watched as her heels clicked along the marble floor as she headed out the door to some charity function. Just as she reached the door, I raced down the stairs to grab hold of her waist. “Stay with me, Mommy.”
Her venomous voice rang in my ears as if she were standing right in front of me. “Rhys, I told you earlier that I do not have time for you today! Go back to Trudie.” Desperately, I clung to her, but she shook me off as she always did. After all, I was always too much of a bother for her to pay any attention to. She stared down at my frail form. “Why can’t you do as you’re told? God, you’re almost as worthless as your sister!”
I had barely been able to make out her face through the blur of my tears. “Don’t you love me, Mommy?” I had asked in a soft voice.