TODAY MOST HUMANS live in large, crowded cities. In many cities, a single neighborhood could encompass the entire world population at the time of the great human social transformation. We walk down sidewalks and through crowded malls and buildings with hardly a word, and no traffic signs, and yet we don’t bump into others or get into fights about who is going to step through the swinging door first. We hold conversations with people we don’t know or hardly know or wouldn’t want to know and automatically stand at a distance that is acceptable to both of us. That distance varies from culture to culture and from individual to individual, and yet, without a word, and usually without giving it any thought, we adjust to a distance of mutual comfort. (Or most of us do, anyway. We can all think of exceptions!) When we talk, we automatically sense when it is time to leave a pause for others to jump in. As we’re about to yield the floor, we typically lower our volume, stretch out our last word, cease gesturing, and look at the other person.35 Along with ToM, these skills aided our survival as a species, and it is still these skills that allow us to maneuver through the complex social world of the human.
Nonverbal communication forms a social language that is in many ways richer and more fundamental than our words. Our nonverbal sensors are so powerful that just the movements associated with body language—that is, minus the actual bodies—are enough to engender within us the ability to accurately perceive emotion. For example, researchers made video clips of participants who had about a dozen small lights or illuminated patches attached at certain key positions on their bodies, as in the picture here.36 The videos were shot in light so dim that only the patches were visible. In these studies, when the participants stood still, the patches gave the impression of a meaningless collection of points. But when the participants stirred, observers were able to decode a surprising amount of information from the moving lights. They were able to judge the participants’ sex, and even the identity of people with whom they were familiar, from their gait alone. And when the participants were actors, mimes, or dancers asked to move in a way that expressed the basic emotions, the observers had no trouble detecting the emotion portrayed.
By the time children reach school age, there are some with full social calendars, while others spend their days shooting spitballs at the ceiling. One of the major factors in social success, even at an early age, is a child’s sense of nonverbal cues. For example, in a study of sixty kindergartners, the children were asked to identify which of their classmates they’d prefer to sit with at storytime, play a game with, or work with on a painting. The same children were judged on their ability to name the emotions exhibited in twelve photographs of adults and children with differing facial expressions. The two measures proved to be related. That is, the researchers found a strong correlation between a child’s popularity and his or her ability to read others.37
In adults, nonverbal ability bestows advantages in both personal and business life and plays a significant role in the perception of a person’s warmth,38 credibility,39 and persuasive power.40 Your uncle Stu might be the kindest man in the world, but if he tends to speak at length on subjects like the moss he observed in Costa Rica and never notices the moss beginning to grow on his listeners’ faces, he’s probably not the most popular guy to hang out with. Our sensitivity to other people’s signals regarding their thoughts and moods helps make social situations proceed smoothly, with a minimum of conflict. From early childhood on, those who are good at giving and receiving signals have an easier time forming social structures and achieving their goals in social situations.
In the early 1950s, many linguists, anthropologists, and psychiatrists attempted to classify nonverbal cues in much the same way we classify verbal language. One anthropologist even developed a transcription system, providing a symbol for virtually every possible human movement so that gestures could be written down like speech.41 Today social psychologists sometimes categorize our nonverbal communication into three basic types. One category concerns body movements: facial expression, gestures, posture, eye movements. Another is called paralanguage, which includes the quality and pitch of your voice, the number and duration of pauses, and nonverbal sounds such as clearing one’s throat or saying “uh.” And finally, there is proxemics, the use of personal space.
Many popular books claim to provide guides to the interpretation of these factors and advise how you can employ them to your benefit. They tell you that tensely folded arms mean you are closed to what someone is telling you, while if you like what you hear, you’ll probably adopt an open posture, maybe even lean forward a little. They’ll say that moving your shoulders forward signifies disgust, despair, or fear, and that maintaining a large interpersonal distance while you speak signals low social stature.42 There haven’t been a lot of studies on the efficacy of the hundred and one ways these books tell you to act, but it’s probably true that assuming those different postures can have at least a subtle effect on how people perceive you, and that understanding what nonverbal cues mean can bring to your consciousness clues about people that otherwise only your unconscious might pick up. Yet even without a conscious understanding, you are a storehouse of information about nonverbal cues. The next time you view a film in a language you don’t know, try blocking out the subtitles. You’ll be surprised by how much of the story you can comprehend without a single word to communicate what is happening.
CHAPTER 6
Judging People by Their Covers
What we read into looks, voice, and touch … how to win voters, attract a date, or beguile a female cowbird
There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.
IF YOU ARE a man, being compared to a cowbird probably doesn’t sound like a compliment, and it probably isn’t. The male cowbird, you see, is a real slacker: he doesn’t stake out a territory, take care of the baby cowbirds, or bring home a paycheck (which scientists call “resources”). In cowbird society, as one research paper asserted, “females gain few direct benefits from males.”1 Apparently all a male cowbird is good for—or after—is one thing. But the one thing a male cowbird does have to offer is very desirable, so female cowbirds seek out male cowbirds, at least in mating season.
To an amorous female cowbird, the equivalent of a chiseled face or great pecs is the male cowbird’s song. Since it is hard to smile when you have a beak, when she hears a song she finds attractive, a female will often signal interest with her own seductive vocalization, called “chatter.” And, like an eager teenage girl of our own species, if a female cowbird is led to believe that other females find a certain male attractive, she will find that male attractive, too. In fact, suppose that prior to mating season a girl cowbird repeatedly hears recordings of a boy’s voice followed by the admiring chatter of other nubile females. Will that girl cowbird exercise the independent judgment our sober parents all urge? No. When mating season comes, upon hearing that male’s song, she will automatically respond with displays inviting him to mate with her. Why do I say her response is automatic, and not part of some thoughtful strategy aimed at wooing the fellow with whom she’d like to share birdseed in her golden years? Because upon hearing the male’s song, the female will commence her come-on behavior even if that song is coming not from a live bird but from a stereo speaker.2