Soon I shall see you, I hope, my only love; and in spite of all, I send you a million caresses, each one more passionate and more voluptuous than the other.
I hang on your dear, adored lips,
LILIAN.
LILIAN TO JACKY.
Telegram, received July 28, 1898.
Am dying to see you.
LILIAN.
LILIAN TO JACKY.
Received July 29, 1898.
My only, best, sweetest love,
When a Papa does not do what his daughter asks, what happens? He receives unmerited reproaches. I begged you to write to me here and I naturally supposed that I should not have news of you at the post-office. Thus I was furious to find myself neglected and abandoned by you. That is the reason of my famous letter of Sunday which so displeased you.
I love you too much, and every little hitch puts me out. I fancied at once that you loved some other woman. There you see the jealous daughter appears again.
What a love you are to have sent me your photograph! There is only one fault; I can see too much of Smike and not enough of you.
Since yesterday, I kiss your dear face every moment and my happiness increases when I think that I shall soon be able to do it in reality. What a scrawl, you will say, adored master, but I am so unnerved that I cannot hold my pen.
Shall I come and meet you at the station when you arrive?
I am alone, I can do so easily.
I await your coming with something more than impatience, but nevertheless, do not be imprudent, and do not leave Lamalou too early if the doctor tells you to stop. I suck you violently,
LILIAN.
LILIAN TO JACKY.
Received July 31, 1898.
My own sweetest, loved Papa,
How happy I am; one more lonely day, and then I am to see you again. I am quite silly with joy. Will you just drop your daughter a line to let her know where and at what time you wish to see her on Monday?
I notice that you do not really love me quite as much as I should like to be loved, without any afterthought.
You seem to be ashamed of your Lilian. What if someone you know should see me with you at the station? They would only think what a lucky man you are to have such a nice young girl's love. You may not think so, but so it is nevertheless.
You see, darling master, there are little things I cannot fail to notice, and sometimes I am afraid you simply mean to use me as a toy.
I hope my frankness will not sadden you again. Such is not my intention, on the contrary. But I love you truly and sincerely, so much so, that I would abandon all at a sign from you and for your sole pleasure.
Yes, in one word, mother and father, and everything and everybody.
I think that such entire love deserves in return true and sincere affection.
Your daughter desires you ardently and awaits Monday with the greatest impatience.
LILIAN.
P.S. -I have done what my master ordered. From six o'clock last night until this morning, I did not pee, although I was dying to do so in the night. So I slept very badly. I also thought constantly about my dear little Papa, who was also thinking of me.
Lady Clara seemed to take a great interest in my liaison with Lilian, and she had frequently written to Lamalou asking me for news of her. She was perfectly disinterested, as she had no Lesbian tastes, but she told me that the whole story pleased her greatly, and so I now and again gave her news of my “daughter.”
I cannot do better than copy her a few notes that I jotted down about Lilian, shortly after my return to Paris, having derived full benefit and relief from my course of baths.
JACKY TO CLARA.
NOTES ON LILIAN.
While I was at Lamalou, I tried to disgust Lilian, as I was afraid she was getting too fond of me, but the worse I made myself out, the more she seemed to love me.
I told her I would discuss the marriage question when I met her, but not by letter, as things that sometimes look harsh in writing, pass easily in conversation.
I spoke against myself, about my age, my rheumatism, and my big belly. She was pained thereat.
I wrote to her that I should like to have her naked under the table, as a footstool, while I sat and wrote. Also, that I should seat her on the bidet, and straddling across it, void my urine on her belly and “pussy.” She likes these ideas.
She shall have a good talking to, when I see her. I will not scold by letter. I have no reproaches to make myself, as I never told her a lie or tried to mislead her. Is she madly in love with me, or is she scheming?
I would dearly like to take her maidenhead. But no, I must not ruin the poor lustful lassie. I will try to keep out of my Lilian's body. I will not harm her.
I try to make Lilian understand that the passions and the heart are two different things. She may be unfaithful perchance, but if she keeps a corner in her heart for me, I shall be satisfied.
She is not shocked when I try to bring her mind to grasp that she is absolutely my own slave, that she must obey my most voluptuous caprices, however vile they may be.
She writes so ardently about marrying me, etc., that I thought I would try to prevent her loving me too much, by telling her what a filthy brute I was, and laying stress on the fact that other men loved more decently than I did.
I stood confessed on my own showing as a despotic, tyrannical beast, gloating over her degradation and humiliation.
The more cynically and brutally I wrote, the better she liked it.
She is evidently fond of me and I must let things go on.
Does she think I am very rich?
She is very impatient, very excitable, and has got a hot temper. She has addressed reproaches to me, but I sincerely think she is slightly in the wrong. I have never lost my temper yet with her, but I treat her like a child, and she comes round again.
There was a slight misunderstanding about our correspondence and she wrote a nasty letter, giving me back my liberty, and saying she would never return to the rue de Leipzig, as it was not good enough for her. I took no notice, but wrote quietly and reproachfully, and at last punished her for having written such a letter, by ordering her not to pee from seven o'clock at night until seven the next morning. She wrote saying she had obeyed me, and had passed a bad night.
I told her to come to the rue de Leipzig on August 1st, as she was alone with her grandmother. I waited until 3:30. She never appeared. I went away, and did not return home until 6:50.
She turned up at 3:40, it appears, and sent me two telegrams. She was waiting at the Eastern railway station to see me.
I had dinner at seven instead. She wrote a rather furious letter, saying her Mamma would be back on Thursday.
LILIAN TO JACKY.
First telegram, received about 4:30 p.m. August 1, 1898.
Will be Eastern railway station.
LILIAN.
Second telegram, received about 6:30 p.m.
Am waiting Eastern railway station.
LILIAN.
LILIAN TO JACKY.
Villa Lilian. 11 p.m. August 2, 1898.
What you could have done from 3 o'clock until 6:30, I really can't tell, and I will not even seek to know. That will always be a mystery for me, since you could only wait a little more than an hour, and yet you know I cannot always do what I wish.
In spite of my being alone at home, I still have to content my customers, and I am therefore late.
You lost something by not waiting a little longer, I assure you, for I was just ripe for a refined gourmet such as you are.
No matter, don't let us say any more about it, only Mamma will be back on Thursday and therefore-
By losing patience sometimes, we lose many good things.
Lilian is as vexed as she can be with her Papa and will not pardon him in a hurry.