After this first day spent with the family, I did not mean to return, as Arvel's boasting conversation was trite and commonplace, and the mother was a cypher, once away from her housework or the kitchen. But I fell in love with Lilian at first sight. When I say I fell in love with her, I hardly know how to analyze my own feelings. I can only say that I desired her. But she was nineteen, and I was forty-three, and I tried to put this new passion out of my mind. There was my Lily too, in a pretty little home I had put together for her bit by bit, and I had an idea that it would be a scurvy trick to make love to the young lady, who I may call the stepdaughter of my host. I made myself agreeable to the two ladies and was invited down to their pleasant little country house over and over again. Sometimes my faithful companion, my dog Smike, was invited too, to be petted and made much of by Lilian, and so was his mate, the mother of the bitch Lili, good old Sally Brass. I never came empty-handed, and brought them presents of perfumery, flowers, sweets, and such trifles as please the female mind. Lilian took no particular notice of me, treating me with politeness and nothing more. The little bitch grew apace, and Papa, who was very hard to convince, got into his head that in-and-in breeding was good for fox terriers and borrowed its father to cover the daughter, Lili. He got a tolerable litter, but they were all more or less faulty. An outside cross was wanted, but they doted on their pets and kept several bitches of the litter, and one dog, Blackamoor, who became the special pet of Mademoiselle. They already had one dog, a tremendous Bordeaux hound, very good to his masters, but ferocious with strangers. All this brought me continually to the cottage and no doubt I pleased the women, or else they would have taken good care not to have had me at their house so often.
I remember meeting Mr. and Mrs. Arvel, I speak of them as if they were legally married, at Le Treport, in August, 1896, quite by accident. I joked freely with Adèle, as French matrons are very fond of loose talk, being alone with her for a short time, and chaffed her about this trip with her husband to the seaside. Lilian was at home, with her Granny to look after her. It was quite a honeymoon, I said. She answered me quietly that Mr. Arvel was far from loving, and that she suffered greatly from his neglect, being rather sensual. This startled me a little, and I drew back and kept out of the way, as I was thinking of the daughter and not of the mother.
But it made me open my eyes and I began to think that perhaps I was rather too scrupulous and there might be a chance for me with Lilian. Mr. Arvel's conversations, too, were very lewd, but he particularly impressed upon me how innocent Lilian was. She knew nothing of the relations of the sexes and was very frivolous, not caring for any serious pleasures.
He complained that he could not get her to read a book and so form her mind. In fact, he spoke against her and ran her down continually, and his mistress came in also for a share of his disdain. I was a long-time victim of this peculiar mania of his, but I found out afterwards that such backbiting is a common fault with little-minded people, and occurs in many families. The more such parents love their children, wives, or relations, the more they speak against them. The principal motive is jealousy, lest you should think too much of them, to the detriment of their own vanity, and they seem to get annoyed with themselves to find that the person they are trying to lower in your estimation should take up so much of their own thoughts or yours. But I could see that he was very fond of Lilian and was always talking about her. He would tease her and call her “Scraggy,” and pinch her calves as she passed him. She would shriek, putting out her tongue at him, and appealing to Mamma for help, and Adèle would scold both her and Papa.
I used to try to get alone with Lilian in corners, but she did not want me, and when she stroked Blackamoor, I would caress him, too, and attempt to get my hand on hers, but she never took heed.
I remember one day she was indisposed, as she seemed to suffer from stomach troubles, and, in her dressing-gown, she came and sat next to me on a sofa. Her father, as I call him to prevent useless reiteration, was seated opposite us. She was quite close to me and I could feel the warmth and pressure of her body through the light fabric of what was evidently her only garment. A thrill of sensual longing stirred me, but she felt nothing. I mentioned the circumstance to her a year later, but she confessed that she had no recollection of this trifling incident, which I always remember.
So things went on until the summer of 1897, when I made up my mind to gradually drop the Arvel family. I loved the girl, although I had never betrayed myself and I could see I was nothing to her. I dared not speak out, as I still had the sentiment of honesty, which told me that I must not take a mean advantage of my friend's hospitality, especially as he appeared to be very fond of the girl, and they were forever together, when she invariably sided with her Pa against her Mamma.
When I was invited to Sonis, Lilian would often write to me in obedience to Papa's wishes, and I would answer her as prettily as I dared. I was quite surprised and delighted to find that in July or August, 1897, her letters seemed to get more cordial and one day she asked me to accompany her to the post office alone. I went with great pleasure, especially as up to now Papa had always accompanied us, and the only liberty I had ever taken was a little mild chaff about marriage, when she would retort that she never intended to wed, but would always remain with her Papa. I was pleased to find that Lilian was as near as possible making love to me and I could see that I had very little work to do to make myself thoroughly liked.
The first few letters, which were merely invitations by her parents' orders, I have destroyed, but some of them now contained very gracious hints to encourage me to carry on what was fast growing into a real flirtation. We had many such walks and talks, but I was too flushed with my triumph to remember dates or take notes, and I must try to sum up all our conversations together and so get on rapidly, as I mean to endeavor to stick to plain facts, making my confessions as concise as possible. I have carefully avoided all reference to extraneous events (except in one or two notable instances), passing guests I met at Sonis, or indeed anything that has no bearing upon the loves of Jacky and Lilian.
Our talk began to run into very loose channels, as Lilian, in answer to an insidious question of mine, told me that one of her lady customers had made love to her, and much to her disgust had kissed her on the mouth. I explained that there was something masculine about her-she was wearing a boy's straw hat-and soon led her to talk about lovers. She told me that she had never had one, but had flirted a little. She did not like young fellows, but preferred men of mature age. Upon this I followed suit and put myself forward, to be, of course, agreeably received. This was our first important chat, as far as I can recollect, and I was soon in receipt of another note, begging me to come and spend the day and asking after the health of my dog Smike. She added that she sent a kiss to him, as she did not dare to offer one to his master, although she would dearly like to do so.
Our next interview, during another quiet ramble in the streets and lanes of Sonis, was more to the point. I took her hand in mine and caressed her bare neck as I made a bold declaration of love, but she spoke of danger. I explained that I was not a youth and that a man of the world like myself could give pleasure without fear of disagreeable consequences. I offered, in one word, caresses without danger.