I got very lustful, and found that these artful tricks by repetition produced a nervous effect that was far from pleasant, and I knew at last that if I slept with her again I should become brutal and try to violate her.
I kept these thoughts to myself, but in my mad rage, I grasped her tightly, and shook her roughly and brutally.
“You can hurt me if you like, master. I love you when you are just a little rough; but what have I done to displease?”
Her soft tones brought me to my senses. I did not know what to answer, “It is hot and dry between your thighs. Make me wet.”
“I have lots of moisture for you,” said she with a laugh, and putting her fingers to her tight slit, she wetted them with the moisture of her “pussy,” put some on my stiff anatomy, and rubbed the inside of her own thighs. I put my hand to her gap, and found she was indeed quite wet.
Then I turned her over and got atop of her, and she imprisoned me between her thighs, as she had done a couple of days previously.
I leant upon my elbows so as not to press her little body.
“No, no!” she cried, “let me feel your weight upon me. I like it. Lie upon me. Crush me beneath you!”
I let myself go and pressed her beneath the entire weight of my heavy frame, as I frantically pushed up and down, my organ in prison between her thighs, rubbing among her hairs, and against her clitoris.
I soon spent, and my wife of one night clasped me tightly to her, her tongue in my mouth, as I felt that unmistakable thrill, or shudder, go through her frame, which women, with all their cunning, have as yet not been able to imitate entirely.
The wish to be crushed by the weight of a man's heavy body in bed; the repeated tricky, teasing, thigh-clipping to imitate the real thing, convinced me that other hands and other male organs had been in contact with Lilian Arvel's body.
I then arose, and took my leave of Miss Arvel. Charlotte was coming the next day (Sunday), to stop with her, and I was to come down again on Wednesday, the thirty-first, and pass another whole night with her.
She led me to the window of her mother's bedroom, and I stepped out onto the balcony, while, half-naked, she hid behind the shutter.
I crawled softly down and stepped lightly across the grass. It was half-past five, and broad daylight. I was bound to think that I was doing a very dangerous thing for Lilian's reputation, as the villa was surrounded by other houses, and some neighbor might find it strange to see a man unknown to the locality creep stealthily out at that early hour.
At the corner of the road, not a stone's throw from the house, was a wine shop, and a girl belonging to the establishment stood at the door. She eyed me curiously.
Again I saw more danger for my Lilian, and I went up to Paris reflecting on all these things in the train.
I wrote to Miss Arvel that day, and explained my fears to her, suggesting that on Wednesday I had better leave her at midnight and take the last train. In the darkness, at night, there would be no danger of my compromising her.
I did not tell her other reasons that made me disinclined to go to her bed again; the fear lest I try to make her mine by force, and the growing, uneasy feeling of repulsion that her broad mercenary hints were beginning to cause in me.
Was I a fool?
7
… Would you not swear
All you that see her, that she were a maid,
By these exterior shows?
Yet a virgin, a most unspotted Lily…
Lilian's plans for the future seemed to me impracticable, even if I had had the necessary available capital to set her up as a milliner. It must not be forgotten that I still had onerous duties to perform with regard to my poor Lily at home, whose life hung upon a thread, being no wife to me, and I began to suspect vaguely that Mr. Arvel and Adèle must have instilled strange ideas into their girl's head, as she appeared to weave all her schemes without showing any fear of her Pa and Ma. Did it mean that they would shut their eyes to any intrigues with a moneyed lover, or had her father taken such liberties with her that she felt she could brave him? Or a mere declaration of passion on his part just now would have been sufficient to show her the power she had over him. These and similar thoughts occupied my mind as I received the following:
LILIAN TO JACKY.
Sonis-sur-Marne. August 31, 1898.
As ever, you are right, and I bow down to your experience and wisdom that I do not possess. It is even preferable that you do not come down on Wednesday evening as we had managed. I will go with Granny to the fête. That will make me forget my great disappointment a little, for I felt much joy at the idea of having you again with me for one whole night.
Do not say, my adored one, that I am never contented, but I wish to arrange things with you once and for all.
The life I lead at present is absolutely intolerable. I can only see you now and again and then always running and hiding like a thief, while my dream would be to have you often all to myself and only for me. This dream can be realized in two ways. Here is the first:
We must take a small apartment in Paris: three rooms and a kitchen. I should go and live there in the manner I told you, that is to say with the full consent of my parents to carry on my trade. Thus I should be entirely free; you could come and breakfast and dine with me as often as you chose and I should have you nearly every day. This thought drives me crazy with delight. And you, adored master?
Now for the second plan:
You would take a shop to sell the perfumes you make so well. Naturally, you would want a young girl used to commercial ways and at the same time pleasing to look at, as a saleswoman. I should be that young girl and I can assure you that the business would flourish. In this wise also I could see you as often as we could wish. As you see, two methods offer themselves to us at this moment. You must choose one at once, as later on perhaps we may not have the same opportunity. I await a word from you giving me your decision. If you prefer the apartment, I can start off at once to hunt for one.
Tell me also what day I can see you in Paris, as you can no longer come here?
I think of your dear lips,
LILIAN.
I had been showing Lilian some specimens of perfumery I had made, and had manufactured expressly for her a highly concentrated preparation of musk, as she was fond of violent scents. My chemical studies had of late led me in that direction. She saw money to be made with these odorous extracts. She was fond of money.
I answered, giving an appointment at the usual place, rue de Leipzig. I also informed her that she had a wrong idea of life and life's duties, which I would explain more fully by word of mouth.
LILIAN TO JACKY.
Sonis-sur-Marne. September 1, 1898.
If you have not understood my letter it is because you do not want to, for it was quite explicit enough. I cannot see either how the perspective of being able to see me as often as you wish could make you unhappy. I cannot make you out at all. I will not go to the rue de Leipzig anymore.
Come here in preference one evening, if you have anything to say to me.
And I thought my letter would please you. I am quite perplexed.
She who loves you too much,
LILIAN.
My reply stated that I considered her very silly, very disobedient, and very hard to get on with, but nevertheless I was ready to take the train about nine p.m. on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday night, to talk matters over, if she would kindly choose one of those evenings and let me know in time. I heard no more of her until getting home to dinner at 6:30 p.m. on Sunday, when I found this wire: