Lilian is half-seated on the narrow sofa, and I have no way of getting to her, unless I pull her flat down on her back. I am tired, too, and very hot. I have twisted my neck and it is painful. So I relent and give up active warfare for the present.
“Take it in your hand yourself,” I say, “and do what you like with it.”
She does so, and, leaning over her, I find she lets the tip go a little way in. Now, all was dry and far from agreeable. I suppose I had done wrong to suck her so long. She had no more feeling of lust. So I moved up to her face as she reclined with her head on a cushion and, straddling across her, rubbed my arrow and the appendages gently on her face and mouth. She did not move. I took her hand and placed it on my staff of life. She started and roughly drew her hand away. Strange inconsistency. She had placed it herself at the entrance of her virgin cleft; she had allowed me to caress her lips and cheeks with it, but now she recoiled at the idea of grasping it.
So I resolved to overcome any disgust she might feel and, putting the end between her lips, I told her rather roughly to suck it at once. She tried to, timidly; I could see she did not know how.
“Tell me, show me, and I will do all you wish.”
I took her hand, and sucked and licked one of her fingers by way of example.
She took to it readily, and I tried to excite her and keep her up to her work by talking to her as she sucked me awkwardly. But the soft warm caress of her capacious mouth and the clinging grasp of her luscious lips excited me to madness. I moved in and out, slowly, saying:
“Darling! Lilian! It is delicious! Not your teeth, Lilian. You must not let your teeth touch it! So! Lick it nicely! Let me feel your tongue! Do not move! Do not go away. I am going to enjoy in your mouth, and you must remain as you are until I tell you.”
With angelic docility, she continues the play of her lips and tongue, and to my great surprise and delight I feel her hands gently caressing my reservoirs. And the crisis comes too soon. The pleasure I had was beyond words. I had kept back the moment of joy as long as I could, but now the charge exploded with violence, and I could feel that a very large quantity gushed into her mouth. I thought I should never cease emitting. Lilian did not stir until I slowly withdrew, having exhausted the pleasure until there was not a throb left, and my organ had begun to soften. Then she sat up and uttered inarticulate cries.
I rushed to get her a pail or basin, and in the darkness knocked down a screen. She empties her martyred mouth. I give her a glass of water, and she rinses her throat.
“What was that?” she asked, as I half-opened one of the window curtains.
“Little babies,” I replied. “Did you like me sucking you?”
I lit the lamp, kissed her, and we chatted as she dressed.
“Yes!”
“And when I spurted that stuff into your mouth-did you like that, too?”
“Yes.”
“I ought to have penetrated your pretty body. Why did you not let me? Has no one ever done so to you?”
“I am a virgin, I swear it!”
“Have you never given pleasure to yourself with your hand?”
“Never. It hurts. I don't like that. I love you. I shall never marry. I shall live for you. You seem to be vexed that I am a virgin? If I was not, why should I not say so? Tell me what you want.”
“I can't tell today. My brain is in a whirl. Egotistically, I want to be inside my Lilian. With regard to your interests and future-I ought not to take your maidenhead. You must get married and your husband will do that for you.”
“Yes. Mamma says a husband can always tell on the first night if his wife is a virgin or not.”
“I have been too merciful to you. I ought to have fastened your hands with my trousers' strap.”
“Why didn't you? You know you can do anything you like to me. “
“Well, we will let things be until another day.”
“You must not be angry if I have been silly or have not pleased you, as this is the first time, you know. I promise to be more obedient in future, and I will try not to struggle when you touch.
“You are a little demi-vierge. “
“I know what you mean. I have read that noveclass="underline" Les Demi-Vierges. “
“I think you like the idea of mutual caresses without the real approach of a man?”
“I think I do. Cannot we be happy like this?”
“Perhaps. There are other things we can do together. Do you know what we did just now?”
“Certainly I do. I am not going to pretend I don't. The girls at Myrio's often talked about it. It is called mimi. And it is very bad for the health, is it not?”
“Yes, if repeated too often.”
I thought she was sensual but silly. Had she chosen me to gratify her curiosity, having confidence in me from my age, and probably Ma's and Pa's praise, as Lilian tells me they think a lot of Jacky? She promised to write to me shortly for another afternoon's fun, but she still refused to tutoyer me, and never did at all, during our liaison.
I drove her to the station, and in the fiacre she was dull and ill at her ease. Her eyes had a faraway look in them. She seemed to be thinking deeply. About what?
At that time I believed she was reflecting on the novelty and obscenity of what we had done together.
But as I write nearly two years later, vile and horrible thoughts rise uppermost in my mind. Let the reader guess, or return to this chapter when he has finished the book.
2
… Most merciful God
Thou hast revealed to me the agony
And bloody sweat of dire Gethsemane
The scourging of the pillar, the crown of thorns,
The cracking, splitting nerves, and racked joints
Of three hours' crucifixion. Thine anguish
I here do feel, O God! bound, crucified.
To my great surprise, I had no news of Lilian, but a few days before I saw her at the rue de Leipzig, I had sent to Mr. Arvel a parcel of kippers, haddocks, and bloaters, which I had promised the household on my last visit. I had talked to Lilian about the packets of periodicals I sent her father, the little presents I gave her mother, and how I praised and flattered them in every way so as to be often invited and thus approach her. She urged me to continue, but I was to be very careful with her Papa, as he was of a most jealous nature. She told me that she always spoke against me, as, if she were to appear pleased when I came, I should never be asked down to Sonis any more. They were all going to Nice shortly after New Year's Day for three weeks.
LILIAN TO JACKY.
Sonis-sur-Marne. December 2, 1897.
My dear Mr. S.,
Papa was desirous of writing to you these last few days, but he could not get a moment to himself to do so. I take his place therefore and thank you on behalf of everybody for your present. The fish were exquisite. There is only one fault; there were too many of them.
Mamma wants to know when you will do us the pleasure of lunching with us? The sooner the better, as we have not seen you for a century. It was Lili's birthday today and that of her three little ones yesterday. We await your visit to celebrate that event. All our darlings are well. A caress for your faithful Smike, and your other spoilt pets.