The kindness of the Arvel family and the sweet solicitude of Lilian extended all through the month of February, and I mention this fact, so as not to keep recurring to her parents' goodness or her caresses, as she never passed me without a gentle touch of her fairy hand, or she would give me a luscious kiss if there was no one in sight.
I believe the afternoon was rainy, for we passed much of our time in the drawing-room: Lilian, Raoul, and I. Papa was busy doing some press work and was shut up in his little library. Lilian was very gay, and so was I. We frolicked and belabored the piano in turn, laughing and singing like so many children. I was struck by the great love shown towards her brother by Lilian, now that for the first time I saw them together for a few hours. She would ask him to kiss her, and throw her arms round his neck, while their lips would meet in a long embrace, and Lily would heave a deep sigh of satisfaction and exclaim: “O-h-h-h, sweetheart!” I loved to see this voluptuous play between brother and sister, which confirmed all my suspicions, and the mere sight of their gamboling together in such a lewd way, quite unbefitting their consanguinity, caused me to have violent erections as I sat with them. The same madly voluptuous feeling would also overcome me when she approached her Papa, so the reader must not be astonished when I tell him that all my old desire for Lilian had returned and was stronger than ever from this moment. I think any man would have felt much the same in my place. I was in a delicious daydream of lust as I danced and waltzed with Lily that afternoon, and she gave her brother and myself a private view of some high-kicking, which was simply remarkable for a liberal display of black stockings and frilled drawers of more sober style than those she wore when she came to me in Paris. Whenever she lifted her leg, I did not fail to notice that she half turned her back to me, and Raoul had a full view of the mysteries of her lingerie, while I only saw as far as her garters. The whole concluded with a rapturous bout of osculation, as Lily threw herself on her handsome brother, and I sat by in an armchair, possibly looking as silly as any man must, when his virility threatens to continually burst through the cloth of his nether garments.
During our play, Lily spoke of tuition in dancing, and our talk drifted into speaking about lessons in deportment. Merrily taking up the suggestion, she put me through a kind of fantastical drill of her own, and made me sit down, remain motionless, with my legs apart, or joined together, and I had the greatest trouble to hide my lump of manhood from the brother's gaze, though perhaps he saw it all the same.
I am not ashamed to say that the idea of being ordered about by Lilian excited me to boiling point, and for the first time in my life I began to realize that there was really a bewitching kind of lascivious joy in becoming the slave of the woman we love, and I could now understand what was meant by Masochism.
Everybody seemed happy in that house, and the only blot upon the picture was the backbiting of Papa with regard to Raoul.
Lilian was anxious to sell her litter of pups, so I arranged to put an advertisement in a Parisian “dog paper” as soon as possible, and Papa declared that all the proceeds were to go to the fair daughter of the house.
Mamma was very gracious to me, and went so far as to consult me on the menus of the future meals I was to take at their hospitable dwelling. I begged her to be less generous in future, and not to put three rich dishes on the table at every
déjeuner,
as she had been in the habit of doing, but to treat me as a real member of the family, and cater for me in more sober style. She agreed, and, bidding me good night, left with Raoul, going up to Paris to see
Cyrano de Bergerac;
Mamma was right glad to go abroad with her handsome son, who had really improved through his military training, and looked very well in his French military uniform, although it is not very pretty.
I was in the seventh heaven of delight, and saw a great erotic future before me at Lilian's house, being pleasantly aroused from my day-dream by Lilian whispering to me:
“By and bye, ask me before Papa to put on my Japanese dress!”
Before I had time to reflect, I heard her call over the top of the staircase:
“Papa! I am going to dine with Mr. S., as a Japanese girl!”
He pretended to be annoyed, and said it was not
comme il faut,
and her mother would be vexed, but I, of course, smoothed him down, and said I had asked her, adding that we were in the thick of the carnival, and therefore a pretty disguise might be tolerated. He gave way, and I soon afterwards met Lilian on the stairs, coming out of her bedroom in full Japanese array, looking the very portrait of a fashionable “geisha.” Her robe was adorned with large scarlet flowers and set off her dark complexion to great advantage. The loose gown was largely open in front, cut in V-shape, and I could not resist thrusting my hand into her corsage, but she rudely repulsed me, with an air of defiance. Lilian was full of these whimsical changes of mood. I let the matter pass, and complimented her on her beautiful appearance; for in truth, she looked weirdly fascinating.
She told us that she had had great difficulty in finding the key that fitted her Mamma's wardrobe, so as to get out her costume, and shortly afterwards, we sat down to dinner: Papa, Lilian, Granny, and myself. The old woman does not count in this narrative.
Lilian took her Mamma's place at the head of the table, with Papa on her right; I facing him, and the grandmother at the end. I merely mention this meal to note that Lilian frequently placed her feet on mine, with many a loving pressure, and towards the end of the meal, I distinctly noticed that at one moment, withdrawing her feet, she made a decided lurch of her body towards Papa, and must have touched his boot. I saw the well-known change come over his face: a look of dumb bewilderment, which left his features without any expression, as he dropped his head in his plate, and insolent triumph lit up the bold countenance of his mistress's offspring.
After dinner the table was laid out with supper for Mamma and her boy, when they should return from the theatre, and Papa and I were seated on a broad divan, in the little vestibule giving on to the dining-room, and which was used as a kind of smoking corner. Granny had disappeared, and Lilian came and threw herself languidly on the sofa, pressed close against Papa and, placing her half-bared arm on his shoulder, she lightly caressed his shaven cheek with her fingers. He did not respond to her blandishment, but the same silly, dazed look came into his eyes and his lower jaw dropped. How ugly we are, when we are sensually excited!