Karin didn’t know then that sometimes people went into comas because of peanut allergies. But that’s what happened to Margaret. She was in a coma for three days and when she woke up she couldn’t talk right. Sister Pauline explained that her brain had been without oxygen for too long and got damaged.
No, Daddy couldn’t have read about Margaret and the peanuts, that was last year, in fifth grade. Karin had already hidden that diary.
“Are you listening to me, Karin?”
“I can’t believe you read my diary.”
“Karin, this is important! I love you, but I can’t let you hurt animals. You have a lot of rage inside. You need to talk to someone who can help you find a healthy outlet for your anger.”
But she hadn’t been angry when she’d drowned Daisy in the pool. She’d just wanted to see what would happen. And the damn dog always barked at her. Her mother hated the noise. Her mother told her to take care of Daisy. “You know what to do, Karin,” Crystal had said. And she had even watched when Karin did it. “What did you feel when you drowned that poor helpless animal?” Mom asked, as if mocking all those shrinks and busybodies out there.
Karin shrugged. “Not much.”
The lava of anger inside her continued to rise as she realized that her father could get her into big trouble. Her mother had told her someday he would have to die. Karin didn’t want to do it. She had loved her father. He bought her beautiful clothes and presents and took her to museums and wonderful places all over the world. Her mother didn’t like to do anything fun.
“You hurt people!” Karin told her father.
“I’ve never hurt anyone.”
“Yes you do. You judge them and send them to the electric chair. Zap!“
Her father shook his head, hands tight on the steering wheel. “They were very bad people. They killed innocent people, Karin. They were guilty of awful crimes.”
“So it’s okay to kill someone if they’re really, really bad?”
“That’s why we have a criminal justice system.”
“Daisy was really, really bad. She bit me.” It was a lie, but it made Karin feel better to say it.
“I’m so sorry, honey, but dropping Daisy in the pool was wrong. She’s just a dog. She didn’t know any better. “
“I thought she could swim back. I didn’t know she would die. I made up that stuff I wrote in my diary.” She burst into tears. She did know Daisy Dog would die. She had made sure of it. She had held Daisy under water when the dog paddled close to the edge. When she had looked at her mother, her mother had smiled.
But Karin hadn’t written that part down in her diary. She’d been learning, taking lessons from the master herself.
“It’s okay, Karin. It’s going to be okay. I’ll make sure you’re okay.”
Daddy was acting strange. “I don’t have to talk to any stupid doctor, do I?”
“It’s for the best. I love you, I know what’s best.”
“Mommy knew.”
“What did your mother know?”
“That I killed Daisy.”
Her father jerked his head toward her, shock on his face. “Why would you say such a thing, Karin? Your mother would be heartbroken-”
She took that moment to scream at the top of her lungs. “DADDY! LOOK OUT!”
He startled, jerked the wheel, even though there was no obstacle in front of their car. She pretended his swerve shoved her across the seat, and she banged against the steering wheel. She didn’t know if he saw her grab the wheel or not, she liked to think he did, and then, when it was too late, she realized that maybe turning the car into oncoming traffic wasn’t the smartest idea she’d ever had …
She woke up the next day and her mother was at her bedside. Karin had a broken arm and a bandage around her head. She hurt all over and felt small bandages on her face and legs.
“Daddy!”
There was a policeman in the room as well.
Karin wondered if she was going to jail.
She began to cry. “Mommy? Mommy? What happened?”
“There was an accident, sweetheart.” Her mother took her unbroken hand and said, “You’re going to be okay. Thank God, you’re going to be okay.”
“Accident? Why is there a policeman here, Mommy? Did I do something wrong? I don’t remember being bad, Mommy. Why is the policeman here?”
“He’s here to help.”
“I’m not bad, Mommy.”
“Of course you’re not bad. Witnesses say that-”
The policeman cleared his throat. “If it would be okay with you, Mrs. Standler, I’d like Karin to answer in her own words.” He smiled at her and Karin liked him. She could tell in his eyes that he felt sorry for her, which was good. If someone felt sorry for you, he didn’t think you were bad. If someone felt sorry for you, he believed what you told him.
“Karin, your father picked you up last night from your friend Tanya’s house.”
She nodded, winced.
“Mommy, my head hurts.” Her head really did hurt.
“I’ll have the nurse bring some Tylenol in a minute.”
The policeman said, “It was raining. Do you remember?”
“Yes. It was raining hard.”
“Was your father upset about something?”
“Daddy doesn’t cry.”
“Maybe he wasn’t crying. Maybe he was mad. Yelling. Or sad and not talking at all.”
Karin blinked back tears and looked at her mother. “Mommy?”
“Tell the policeman. It’s okay. I promise, it’ll be okay no matter what happened.”
“Daddy …” She sniffed and let the tears flow. She had loved her father, in her way. “He was sad. Mommy and Daddy were getting a divorce.” She looked at her mother. She nodded, smiled in that way only Karin could see.
Karin kept going. “He wanted me to tell the judge that I wanted to live with him. But I didn’t want to. I love my mom and my dad. I didn’t want to choose. I started crying. Daddy said crying was for babies, and that made me cry more.”
She stopped talking, glancing at her mom for clues. She knew she was talking too fast, so she took a break. Played with the sheet, rubbing the material between her fingers.
“Karin?” The policeman prompted.
“I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want you to arrest Daddy. He didn’t mean to do anything wrong. He’s not a bad man.”
“Honey,” her mother said, the tears coming from her eyes now. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so, so sorry. Your father died.”
Karin’s lower lip trembled. She hadn’t known for certain until her mother said it. “Why?” She cried, her mother hugged her. “Why, Mommy? Why did he do it?”
The policeman asked, “What did your father do?”
“H-he said that h-he would choose for me. Then we were driving in another lane and there were cars and horns and everything got really loud. Then nothing.”