“This is so fun,” she says when she sits. “Look at this one! I love that color.”
“I do, too,” I say, and scroll down so she can see more like it. “I was thinking maybe it isn’t crazy to get the curtains first, before we know what the space is like. It could help us commit to the decorating scheme.”
“You’re so smart. I think the barista just called our names,” Mom says. “Let’s go.”
We drive to the textile store and finish our lattes outside. I can see from the front window that there will be lots of choices, and I tell myself that the excited feeling is good, not a betrayal of myself. Feelings can be complicated, Jessica always tells me. They can contradict each other. They don’t need to make sense.
I peer into the window and catch sight of a pattern featured on a wall.
“I think I see one,” I tell her.
“Where?” she asks.
“Next to that window, the third one in.”
Mom’s face, next to mine at the window, the feeling of showing her something … It sparks something forgotten in me, from before the end of love appeared and began repeating itself, even in my sleep. We throw our cups away and step into the shop.
“Hi there!” the woman behind the counter says. “I have your order in the back.”
“What order?” I say.
Mom shrugs like it’s cute. “You caught me! I couldn’t resist taking a quick look. I popped in a couple days ago and fell head over heels for a print.”
“Why am I here then?”
“We’ll need more than one set of drapes. Now, show me the ones you were looking at.”
I lead her to the wall I spotted through the window, but up close they aren’t what I thought they would be.
“Great colors,” she says. “Come see what I chose—you’re going to love them.”
The saleswoman lays a panel on the counter for my mom to inspect. They’re blue and white Ikat, not Turkish at all, not the warm colors we’ve been looking at.
“Isn’t it beautiful? Maybe with a rustic coffee table and leather sofas…” Her eyebrows are raised, she’s smiling in expectancy.
“Sounds nice,” I muster.
“Okay,” she says. “I have a surprise for you. One more stop. Follow me!”
* * *
I follow her onto the freeway and through the tunnel, into our cluster of tiny suburban towns. She turns onto a residential street and I turn after her. We park in front of a new condo complex. She’s holding a key in one hand and the bag with the curtains over her arm.
“What’s happening?” I say.
“Come and see,” she singsongs. And then she leads me up some concrete steps to a red door. She turns the key, and there’s an empty living room. “Surprise! Welcome home, Flora.”
The beehive is back, all buzzing and beating wings inside me. My vision blurs with it. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Confusion flashes across her face.
“You don’t like it?”
“Surprise, welcome home? Help me choose curtains?”
“Flora…”
But I’ve already turned away. I’m already back down the stairs, and inside my car, and I don’t even look at her as I drive away. I don’t know where I’m going, and soon I have to pull over because I’m crying too hard.
I thought when you got divorced you were supposed to fight over all the stuff. The house and the cars and the furniture. The wedding gifts that are still around. The art collection, if you’re the type of people who collect art, which my parents happen to be. I thought you were supposed to want to hold on to the pieces of your life. I thought the years that came before were still supposed to matter.
I want the love seat. I want the daisy mugs. I want the eggcups. I want the welcome mat, and the portrait of Granny, and the rocking horse, and the wallpaper off the walls. I want the piano and the Navajo rug. I want my room and I want my dad and I want, I want, I want.
* * *
“So you do like us!” Travis says when I get out of my car and step from gravel to grass.
“Of course I like you.”
“You don’t sit with us in class,” Hope says. “It hurts our feelings.”
All three of them are perched on folding chairs in different bright colors. Mimi is resting her bright-red sandaled feet on a tree stump. She’s twisting the loose strap of her cutoff overalls and smiling at me. I blush, and it’s like I’m a freshman again. But we’re both older now and more able to say what we want.
“I was hoping you’d show up,” she says.
I open my mouth to say something flirtatious and light, but instead a cry comes out. Tears fall. I didn’t see this coming. I put my hands over my face.
“Oh my God,” I say. “This is so embarrassing.” But thankfully I’m laughing now, and the crying has stopped.
“Are you okay?” Hope asks.
“It’s just been a rough … day? Month? Last couple of years?”
“We’ve been wondering what’s wrong. You sit in the front, and you never talk to anyone unless we, like, force you to talk to us.”
“You space out a lot,” Travis says.
“You look sad,” Mimi says. “I remember you smiling a lot more.”
“My parents are getting divorced,” I say. I never really speak the words, unless I’m talking to Jessica. Divorce is so common, such a privileged problem to have when some people are faced with truly horrible things. But once I say it, I say it all. “They’ve been on and off for two years. Trial separations. For a long time, they seemed to truly hate each other—like viciously—but now it’s permanent, and the hate is gone. They’re fucking cheerful. My dad has started whistling.”
“So you signed up for geometry, even though you could teach the class,” Mimi says. “And what happened with your decorating plans?”
I shake my head. “Disaster.”
“Well,” Travis says, “if you have to run away, at least you are now finding yourself in paradise.”
It’s true. We’re in the woods, but I can smell the ocean. Redwood trees tower above us; a flock of blue birds takes to the air from a branch near us. I watch them move through the sky, dipping and spreading apart and coming back together, until they are out of sight. I turn back to the camp and take all of it in. There are two tents pitched, a neat row of backpacks lined up between them. Their chairs circle a fire pit, and next to it is a giant cooler covered in California state park stickers.
They are clearly pros at this.
“You guys,” I say. “I am so unprepared. I stopped at Walgreens on the way, but all I got was a toothbrush.”
“My tent sleeps two,” Hope says.
“I have an extra blanket,” Mimi says.
Travis gestures to the old Volvo parked in front. “In my car I have enough hoodies to clothe a small village.”
It feels so good to laugh.
“So what compelled you to come camping with the misfits?” Travis asks.
“What makes you misfits?”
“Well, to begin,” Mimi says, “we’re all terrible at math.”
“And we’re all mixed,” Travis says. “Mimi’s half Korean American and half white, I’m half Mexican and half white, and Hope? Well, Hope’s got it rougher than anyone.”
Hope nods in mock solemnity and says, “Half French, half Dutch.”
“Besides all that,” Mimi says, “we’re, like, the only group of friends in the history of high school that has never had a fight, never fallen in love with each other, and never made out with another one’s significant other.”
“We feel more at home at campsites than we do in our houses,” Hope says.
“We’ve encountered four bears over the last three years and we have never been eaten.”
“And,” Mimi concludes, “we have never—not once—attended a high school dance.”
“Why not?” I ask.