And now? What had changed in her mind? She bit down on her lower lip. She was still scared of the emotions and the intensity they shared. Only now she saw things clearly and she was much more afraid of losing him than she was of giving them a try.
Ryan had already found his balance in life. It was time she showed him she had done the same. And she knew exactly what she had to do in order to prove herself to him. She only hoped it wasn't too late or else she was doomed to spend the future alone. Because an intensity and love like she shared with Ryan only came around once in a lifetime.
RYAN SAT IN HIS OFFICE, legal pad in front of him, case files surrounding him, but his concentration wasn't on work. Instead all he could focus on was Zoe. Ryan had every intention of telling her family about his decision to let them raise Sam, and he planned to tell them in person. He didn't want to delay the revelation because he understood how much pain and misery was involved in preparing to say goodbye.
But his plans to leave immediately had been cut short when one of his partners had been rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. Ryan had stepped in to take over the workload. As a result, the soonest he could leave for New Jersey would be this coming weekend.
Not that it mattered. Whether he left for Jersey late Friday night or early Saturday morning, beach traffic would prolong his commute. And no matter when he made the trip, he'd still have hours alone in the car to think about all the things he could and should say to Zoe. Not that any of them would make a damn bit of difference. Apparently in his world, I love you was destined to be a one-way street.
He glanced down at the empty pad when the buzzer on his intercom rang. Ryan ignored it, hoping Nadine would take the hint and assume he was busy. Unfortunately she was persistent and suddenly the buzzer turned into knocking on his office door.
"Come on in," he called, annoyed with the interruption.
Steeling himself to deal with the intruder when he wanted nothing more than to be alone, he glanced up. Zoe was the last person he expected to see standing in the doorway. But there she was. Wearing her trademark miniskirt and not much of a top that fell seductively off one shoulder, she looked tanned and as fresh as the summer morning.
He couldn't deny the absolute pleasure he took on seeing her here in his office, on his turf. Coming to him.
"Hi," she said, lifting one hand in a hesitant wave. Her expression was just as wary, and since uncertainty wasn't something he normally associated with Zoe, Ryan was immediately on guard.
Still, she'd made the trip here and his heart leaped in his chest. He rose, not bothering to hide his surprise at seeing her. "What are you doing here?"
She shut the door behind her. "I needed to talk to you."
He raised an eyebrow. "I've called every couple of days to speak with Sam. You've avoided every possible opportunity to talk."
Though he didn't know why she was here, he wasn't about to make this visit easy or let her off the hook without an explanation. Surely he deserved that much from the only woman to whom he'd ever professed his love.
"I've been working long hours."
"So have I," he said, pointing to the stacks around his desk. "But that didn't stop me from calling the people I care about."
She briefly bowed her head. "You're going to make me work for this, aren't you?"
"Work for what?" he asked her. "I have no idea why you're here or what you want."
And Zoe wondered if he even cared anymore. She swallowed hard and resisted the urge to wipe her sweaty palms against her skirt. Nobody promised her an easy meeting and certainly nobody had guaranteed her the happy ending she wanted. For all she knew, there would be no second chances for herself and Ryan.
She stepped forward, coming up close to his desk. "When I met you, I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. Or at least I told myself I knew."
He waited, his steely gaze never leaving hers.
"I thought I was a hot-shot ex-fed who was about to start her own business and have it all." She shook her head at her naïveté. "I told myself I hadn't fallen in love and it just wasn't in the cards for me. Then you came along in your suit and tie and your uptight ideas about rules and propriety, and I was so damn sure I could handle the attraction."
She shook her head and laughed at herself and the fool she'd been. "I mean, after all, I'd had affairs, I'd had sex, and what else would it be with a guy like you, who was so different, so opposite of me and everything I believed in?" She glanced at him through lowered lashes. "Are you with me so far? Because if you don't say something soon, I'm going to lose my nerve and bolt," she warned him.
"I'm listening," he said in a deep, compelling voice. "In fact, I'm hanging on every word."
But he remained on his side of the desk, thick mahogany wood and deep emotional distance separating them. Distance only she could bridge and, drawing a deep breath, she somehow found the courage to go on.
"Then I got to know you." Closing her eyes, she remembered their first awkward meeting, then immediately recalled how she'd found him shirtless, digging a place for Ima to root. She couldn't forget how he'd shown up with pig-raising books for Sam and realized she'd probably fallen in love with him then. "And I saw there was so much more than someone from a completely different world than me."
"And that scared you," he said, finally contributing to the conversation and helping her out.
"Yeah. Along with the intense heat and chemistry we generated, you scared me."
"Why?"
She rolled her eyes because in her mind, the answer was obvious. However, it wasn't apparent to Ryan and she owed him every word of explanation. "You scared me to death, Ryan. Because I'd grown up watching my parents' marriage. It was always hot and passionate and always ended in one of them compromising their beliefs for the other."
"So? Isn't that what love is all about? Nobody has to change, but sometimes one or the other person has to give a little." Confusion laced his tone.
She almost smiled because he'd just provided her with his view on relationships. And love.
Nodding slowly, she continued, "Yes, that's what love is all about. And at thirty years old- "
"Hell, you make it sound like thirty is ancient." He ran a hand through his hair, his frustration clear. "It's a goddamn excuse, Zoe, and it's about time you admit it, if not to me then to yourself."
He'd raised his voice at her and a swell of emotion rose in her throat, tears forming in her eyes. And she wasn't even halfway through with what she had to tell him.
"Yes it was an excuse," she yelled back at him, her harsh tone and criticism aimed at herself. "You think I don't know that? But if I don't explain why I needed the excuse, then we have no hope of getting past it. So if you don't mind, I'd like to continue." She forced a deep breath into her lungs and only when she was sure she wouldn't cry, she started to speak again.
He grinned.
Damn the man.
"By all means. Go on." His voice had softened as had his expression, giving her courage and hope.
"At the time, when I couldn't face how I felt about you, I started focusing on our differences. And I told myself that after doing exactly what I wanted when I wanted, I wasn't capable of having an intense, committed relationship while maintaining my independence."
"And you didn't trust me not to demand you change," he said, his disappointment strong.
"Because I didn't trust me. I didn't trust myself not to give in to you, to do anything to keep you happy, even if I lost myself in the process."
He shook his head. "I wouldn't let that happen."
She nodded. "I know that now. Just like I know I wouldn't lose myself to any man." She couldn't help but smile. "Not even to you, despite how charming, sexy, and charismatic you may be."