Rachel smiled in spite of herself. A person who liked orange marmalade could not be all bad.
‘No, no, it’s absolutely fine,’ she said. ‘I would love to know more about you.’
Peter stiffened and cradled his pint in his hands.
A mistake, Rachel thought. I went too far.
She finished her own drink and ordered two more. Max had warned her about this. He will share something. It will be calculated, not a lie but not the whole truth, either, designed to evoke sympathy.
Two could play that game.
‘I lost a child,’ Rachel said.
Bloom blinked. She lowered her voice.
‘Looking back, I think we decided to have a baby for the wrong reasons. My husband—he has some issues. He needed something to ground him. It felt like the right thing to do at the time.’
Joe would have been a good father, Rachel knew, especially for a boy, with stories from his rugby days and flying. Sharing them with his son might even have helped him to heal.
‘The pregnancy was fine, at first. Maybe it is a bit like being possessed by a spirit: a strange new being inside you, with its own desires. I can’t say that I was any fonder of orange marmalade than I am now, but at one point, I did find myself nibbling at pieces of lavatory paper.’ She laughed softly.
She had imagined a boy, someone with Joe’s eyes and her own complexion, a mirror to them both. The child had grown in her mind before it was even conceived and quickly became the centre around which things revolved. Although she remembered the moment of conception itself very well. Their lovemaking was infrequent at best even then, but that evening they had been to the Harrises’, were both a little drunk and Gertrude had the night off. Somehow Joe fumbling with the keys had transformed into Rachel kissing his neck and that led to shedding of clothes and a furious coupling in the drawing room where the groans of the old couch mixed with theirs.
Rachel smiled a little, lost in the memory, and then continued, ‘I was going to call him Edmund Angelo, after my uncle. In all honesty, it took a while for me to stop feeling that the child would be a distraction from my work. Then I realised that having someone to protect would make me more dedicated than ever to keeping England safe. In any case, we planned to have nannies, and Edmund would look forward to me coming home. We had a little nursery set up. Joe was happier than I had seen him, well, ever. I bought Edmund books and clothes. I imagined reading to him, all tucked under the covers, eyes closed, asking questions, drifting to sleep. When he was old enough, I was going to read him The Water-Babies, and The Velveteen Rabbit.’
There were a few happy weeks after she realised she was pregnant, and then she bled on the bathroom floor. Nine weeks from conception meant no soul, according to the theory, no electrical net of the brain to catch a soul-star falling from the Unseen.
‘It happened so quickly. I touched the thing that came out. It was so tiny, like a seed. And then—’ She covered her mouth with her hand.
Dizzy from the blood loss, she had imagined planting it in a pot and growing Edmund like a flower.
Bloom took her hand. ‘Ssh. You can stop there.’
She looked at him, tried to ignore the blank eyes and the doll-like face. Suddenly, the beer smell made her feel sick.
‘It is quite all right,’ she said. ‘I did not lose anyone real.’
‘I think you did. Of course you did.’
When she recovered, she studied the literature and tried to understand how her body had betrayed her, interrogated it as if it was an imprisoned suspect, but to no avail. All that was left was a sense of failure and a memory of someone who had never existed.
‘Do you see now? Work was all I had left.’ She squeezed Bloom’s cold hand. ‘And then those bastards took it away. Give me something to do, please. Something that matters.’
‘Rachel. I understand. Believe me, I understand.’ He gripped her hand back and held it tight. It looked like he wanted to say something but could not quite bring himself to do so. This time, Rachel did not dare to push, and the moment passed.
Peter let go of Rachel’s hand and took a roll of papers from his coat pocket.
‘There is something I didn’t want to ask you, before. It is very important. I am running an operation in Spain and the Winter Court is not cooperating. I need a file I can’t get hold of through official channels.’
He handed the papers to Rachel. There was a Registry cover sheet and a budget, a long list of line items related to a project called CAMLANN.
‘There was a programme, ten years ago. I think someone who worked on it has been compromised by the Russians, but the full records were never aetherised. If I go through the official channels, the target will be spooked. But I need to know what they had access to.’
‘Well, I should still know a few people who maintain the original Registry,’ Rachel said. ‘I will look into it for you.’ She did not hide the eagerness in her voice.
‘It is very urgent,’ Bloom said apologetically. ‘And confidential, of course. Anything you can give me will be a huge help.’
‘I will need a couple of days.’
‘Of course. Just let me know through the usual channels and we can make arrangements to meet again.’
‘I would like that.’
Bloom removed his glasses and put his mask back on. ‘All right. I had better return this gentleman I am wearing to his home, and make my way back to the madhouse.’
Rachel smiled. ‘Travel safe, Peter.’
She watched him leave, waited for a while and then drank the rest of the cider to celebrate her victory.
It tasted flat, drinking alone in an empty pub.
Who would I even celebrate with? she wondered. An absent husband whose nightmares come alive? A dead spy who keeps snakes in his bathtub? A former secretary who wants another notch in his belt before he becomes a ghost?
She knew it was part of the game, but she had told Bloom things not even Joe knew, and he had listened, and understood. It made her feel better than she had in months.
It was hard to hate Bloom. He had his own wounds, it was clear. Was it worth destroying him just to show the old men at SIS what a mistake they had made? Was the story her ayah told her about a magic kingdom, the story she told herself, really worth it? Were Bloom’s beliefs any different from her own? What had Kulagin said? We are all comrades together, men and women, in the same shit.
At death’s door, with Kulagin’s hands around her throat, she had not really fought for England, but for her own freedom.
She looked at the papers on the beer-stained table and her stomach twisted with guilt. What was wrong with her? For a moment, it had felt right to give Bloom what he wanted, to turn her charade with him into something real. For all she knew, giving him CAMLANN would mean countless deaths.
Her hands shook. She needed to ground herself before it was too late. Suddenly, she missed Joe very badly. There was a time when talking to him had made the world make sense.
It was not fair to her husband to tell a Soviet spy things she would not tell him. It was not fair of him to try to keep his nightmares inside until they spilled out when they were in bed together, dreadful and poisonous.
Rachel gathered the papers into her purse and paid the barman. The wireless set coughed and wailed briefly, then resumed its song.
Catching Bloom could wait for one evening. She was going to have dinner with her husband, and they were going to have a conversation.
After meeting Rachel White, Peter Bloom dined at the Lyons Corner House, near Tottenham Court Road, a comfortably middle-class but well-decorated place with modern bowl-like lamps and mirrors cut in Modernist waves.