10
We reported for duty at the Friedmanns’ the next day. I was doing much better; my scabs were dry, the bad foot no longer hurt—much—and I’d almost stopped coughing. Beatriz joined us, and I was glad because I worried about what Max had on his mind, and she was reasonable about things.
The climbing maple was shedding its seeds all around us. Beatriz split a sticky seed and pasted one of its wings on the bridge of her nose, where it protruded like a rhino horn. Ivan did the same.
“It’s time to get serious about the vinegaroon,” Ivan said very solemnly.
“What are you talking about?” Beatriz said, pasting a rhino horn on Wiesie, who’d come out on the steps. Wiesie tolerated it, perhaps to get back in our good graces after the gigging of Peachy.
I clued Beatriz in about the discovery of the poisonous pirate vinegaroons, and Max told her, “We’re going to get one of them and mess Slutcheon up with it.”
“Oh, I’d love to do that!” Beatriz said, unfazed. “Remember the time he pulled up my dress and almost goosed me, and I tried to punch him in the face?” I remembered; Beatriz was much braver than we were. “He’s a rotten jagunço! Where can we find those things?”
“Oh, they’re waiting for us at the National Museum,” Max said casually, sticking on a rhino horn. “We’re going to break in and steal one.” He added, “And who said you were coming with us?” He leaned back on his elbows and began humming “Ride of the Valkyries,” his favorite tune from a Merrie Melodies cartoon featuring Elmer Fudd killing Bugs Bunny. Wagner was verboten in his house.
Beatriz whooped. “Are you crazy? Break into the museum?” She laughed. “But if you guys go, I go, too.”
I groaned. “Max, that’s the worst idea you’ve ever had.”
“Well, nobody else has any ideas!”
Ivan said, very calmly, “I’ve thought about it. We were smart enough to get into the Pond Lady’s yard, right? It doesn’t have to be much differenter or harder than that. We sneak out again at night, ride our bikes down to the museum, get in, and grab it. Just like Nickie in The Secret Horse.” Ivan and I had a classmate whose mother had written a famous book about a girl who stole a horse. We loved the book, even though it was about a girl.
“But she was stealing a horse who was just in a stable, not in a museum,” I pointed out. “And she could ride him away. And horses aren’t poisonous.”
“Wait a minute! Will those vinegar things kill people?” Beatriz wanted to know, fooling nervously with one of her braids.
“Nah,” Max answered. “It will only make you sick, and maybe a little bit blind. Unless you’re a baby or a geezer, or already sick.”
“Okay. I don’t want to commit murder.” Beatriz crossed herself.
“There are a bunch of people I wouldn’t mind being dead,” Max said darkly. Ivan nodded.
Beatriz asked, “How do we actually break into the museum?”
Ivan said, “If we go at night, maybe we can pick the lock. We’ve done that at John’s with that thingie his grandfather has.” This was another gadget of Brickie’s that he called the Hand Jive. “Or we can go at the end of the day before the museum closes, and just hide till everybody’s gone and they close up.”
“Perfect!” said Max.
Beatriz and I were speechless. Then I asked, “Yeah, Ivan, but how do we grab it? I’m sure it’s in a glass tank.”
“We could wear gloves and smash a hole in the glass with something pointed, like an ice pick. Or a screwdriver. We have to wear gloves anyway so the vinegaroons won’t sting us. Remember that guy who stole the Gaboon viper from the zoo? He smashed the glass, too, but he was dumb and put the snake in a pillowcase, and it bit him on the bus when he was trying to get away.”
“Won’t an alarm go off?” I asked.
“It didn’t for the viper guy. He went in during the day and hid till closing time. If an alarm does go off, we’re so fast we’ll be back on our bikes before a guard or somebody gets there. We can do it! I know we can.” I don’t think I’d ever seen Ivan so determined, and certainly not about something of this magnitude.
“Hey!” said Max. “My dad has a glass cutter—he’s got every tool on earth. It would be easier and quieter than an ice pick.”
“Great idea!” Ivan exclaimed.
Beatriz asked Ivan, “Say we get in, and we break the glass case”—that she was now saying “we” instead of “you” was not lost on me—“then what do we do? Even if we grab it with gloves it can still spray our eyes, and we might breathe the poison.”
“Hmm…” Here Ivan was stumped.
“I know!” I was getting enthusiastic. “Swim goggles! I have some!”
So did Ivan and Beatriz, and I said Max could wear Liz’s.
“Yeah!” Max said. “And so we don’t breathe any, we can tie mouse mattresses across our mouths!” Max had shown me and Ivan bandage-like things his older sister referred to as “mouse mattresses,” informing us that girls peed blood every month and had to strap them on.
Beatriz was perplexed, so Max, a little embarrassed, explained what they looked like. “Oh! You mean Kotex! Sheesh—boys are so dumb!”
“I’m not putting those things over my mouth,” I said. “Why couldn’t we just wear bandannas, like the Lone Ranger?”
“Max is right,” Ivan said. “Regular cloth might not be thick enough.”
“Gah!” I shuddered, wondering why I hadn’t seen any mouse mattresses around my house.
“Okay—then what?” Beatriz asked, all business now.
Ivan continued. “Then whoever’s wearing gloves has to scootch the boy vinegaroon into a pill bottle and cap it fast.”
“What’s wrong with catching the girl one?” Beatriz asked.
“The girl one is preggers,” I said, using a word I’d heard Liz use. “She’s got about thirty eggs on her stomach and we don’t need those hatching and running around.”
“Although it might be good to have a supply,” Ivan mused.
“No, it wouldn’t,” I said firmly.
Max asked, “After we’ve trapped the vinegaroon, then what, Ivan?”
“We’ll keep him hidden and scare Slutcheon!”
Max spat. “You think Slutcheon won’t tell on us? As if.”
“Only scare him?” said Beatriz.
Max was laughing. “We could put it in a potato-chip sandwich and give it to him!”
I realized that I’d come around to the plan and said, “Or we could sneak it into his clothes, or that little bag on his bike. It won’t kill him—it’ll just make his life miserable!”
“Yeah!” Max said excitedly. “We’ll deny everything! And he’ll get blamed for stealing it and get sent to Charlotte Hall!” Charlotte Hall was a frightening military school where out-of-control boys were sent. Brickie occasionally threatened me with it.
Ivan’s expression turned doubtful. “The only thing is, how can we get the vinegaroon back after it gets Slutcheon?”
I cocked my head quizzically. “Why do we want him back? He’ll get squashed as soon as that jerk finds him anyway. Don’t be Ivan the Tenderhearted about a vemonous pirate vinegaroon.”
“Yeah, but it seems sad….I guess…I guess I was thinking it’s too bad we can’t keep him awhile, after we’ve made all these plans.”
Max shook his head. “You made the plan, and it’s good. Sometimes you’re like Einstein, Ivan. It’s almost scary.”