A Brit in Eastern Siberia is a bit of a novelty, though not completely unheard of thanks to the tourists who take the Trans-Siberian throughout the year, but a Welshman is considered stranger company than someone from outer space. Nastya had to constantly explain to our guests that Wales is the little country that England is stuck to. Everyone was curious to learn how Nastya and I were planning to make a future for ourselves and when we would settle. Boris’s guests somehow had the impression that everyone in the UK knows each other well because it is such a small place compared with the vastness of Russia. When Nastya’s attention was diverted our guests still spoke to me, and I was lucky if I could understand just one per cent of the conversation. However there were a few words I did recognise, as they were spoken in English. Thankfully, due to a popular joke on television which pokes fun at professional Russian to English translators, a few Siberians are able to say Anthony Hopkins, Chicken McNuggets, Windows XP, together because (as a stock phrase), Britney Spears and Status Quo. Everyone was pleasantly surprised to learn Anthony Hopkins is in fact a Welshman, but slightly disappointed to learn that I didn’t know him personally.
Like most events in Siberia that involve copious amounts of alcohol, the evening eventually descended into the inevitable wailings of karaoke. Unfortunately, the art of singing badly into a microphone is very popular all over Russia and there are a huge number of popular Russian tunes, none of which I knew how to sing. Fortunately for me there are a few old bands from the West that are still massive in Russia. After several Cognacs, I found myself singing Status Quo’s ‘In The Army Now’ as a duet with Dima, followed by a double bill of Boney M – ‘Rasputin’ and ‘Daddy Cool’. All bands and singers who have ever acknowledged Russia in a song have become favourites in Russia. This is also true for actors, such as Jude Law who played Vasily Zaytsev in Enemy at the Gates (2001), and Scarlett Johansson who played Natasha Romanoff in Iron Man 2. One of my first memories of Moscow is Jude Law’s face printed on the giant advertisements for vodka hanging in Sheremetyevo Airport. Scarlett Johansson can often be seen on billboards advertising Russian saunas, though I’m not clear if these are authorised advertisements or not. When I first visited Russia in the spring, I vividly remember arriving in Krasnoyarsk on the Trans-Siberian. Through one of the windows, I saw a dacha where the roof had been made from a large recycled billboard and on this billboard was a huge cameo of Scarlett Johansson, partially covered in snow.
Just as I was falling asleep to the image of a snow-covered Scarlett Johansson, the pilot announced our descent. I’m not sure why, but every time I fly I always take a seat above the left wing of the plane. I think it has something to do with The Twilight Zone, which had a huge effect on me as a boy, and gave me nightmares for years after. If there is ever a gremlin on a wing, I need to be able to see it. Fortunately there were no gremlins and the flight was peaceful. When it came to landing, however, things changed rapidly. There was a very high wind and heavy snow fall. We glided over the city, over the forest and over the airport perimeter fence. Wheels were about to touch the ground. At the crucial moment a huge gust of wind took us off course, the plane lost balance, tipped to the left, and the left wing came horribly close to the tarmac. I thought we were fucked. Totally and utterly fucked. Thankfully Russian pilots are used to this kind of thing. After all, they take off and land in the world’s worst flying conditions every day. At the point we were about to become pancakes, the engines roared and we flew high and left. The pilot then said something over the tannoy in Russian that I think was ‘Hold onto your balls I’m going to try again’. The second time we came in fast and straight, and the pilot made use of the entire length of the runway. Russians have a tradition of clapping when a plane lands, and until that moment I had never understood it. When everyone erupted into applause I couldn’t help but join in. It was the first time I had ever participated in ‘the clapping’ and the first time I had almost become a pancake.
PART III
a. Aeroflot Flight SU241. January 16th 2011. Moscow – London
Following an all too brief first Christmas holiday in Krasnoyarsk, Nastya had flown to Moscow with me again in the early hours of the morning. We got to Yemelyanovo airport in good time and the subsequent flight to Moscow was uneventful. In Sheremetyevo airport, Nastya was as tearful as ever and wouldn’t let me go even as I entered the booth where I had to surrender my immigration card. People are supposed to enter this booth alone to hand over their passport and papers, and the customs official usually holds up your passport against the glass in his little hut and compares your picture with your face, even though you’re leaving the country. I guess this is to make sure nobody is leaving Russia pretending to be you. This time the customs man just smiled and looked away as Nastya and I kissed over and over again. When she finally let go of me the man scanned my passport, took the immigration card away and let me into the waiting room for international transfers.
Looking down over Moscow, sweltering in my snow boots and a large black hunting jacket, I couldn’t help feeling I was a little overdressed for London. One of the immigration officials in Moscow had laughed after Nastya had left. He looked at me, then my passport, then back at me, and said ‘You cold yes?’ before laughing to himself. It seemed I was overdressed even by Moscow standards; God only knew what I would look like touching down in Heathrow. With yet another four hours to wait until I got there, I relaxed in my chair as much as I could with too many clothes on and thought of my Siberian winter adventure; happy that we finally had a plan, and confident I would take care of my end of things.
i. Winter in Russia
Nastya had picked me up from the airport in a taxi upon arrival from the UK in December; Boris was already on a hunting trip and Dima was having his well-earned Sunday lie-in. The drive from Yemelyanovo airport to Krasnoyarsk was bleak. The sky was dark grey and heavy with snow. There were huge banks of the white stuff either side of the motorway and the only parts of the road visible were track lines where previous cars had been. Still, it was busy. Our taxi driver weaved through the traffic at a hair-raising speed, completely ignoring the treacherous weather conditions. It was a sharp contrast to what I had experienced in the UK where the slightest sign of snow meant traffic crawling along at a snail’s pace, and all the airports and trains coming to a halt. I was a bit frightened and made sure to fasten my seatbelt.
Russian roads can be a bit crazy. They drive on the right and are supposed to overtake on the left. What actually happens is they drive on anything that is flat, and overtake on anything including the hard shoulder; this creates semi-organised chaos. While driving at the speed of sound, our taxi very nearly got boxed in a few times by people also driving at the speed of sound. Fortunately, our taxi was a very shiny and expensive-looking Mercedes, and the driver was obviously aware of his capabilities. At the point I was sure we would be squished he put his foot down and increased acceleration to the speed of light. We flew down the motorway, and all the while trance tunes were playing on the radio with the driver bobbing his head to the beat while smoking a cigarette. He was quite a cool guy.
At the apartment we turned on the TV to pass the time and fill the air with noise. There was a breaking news item about Krasnoyarsk’s Cheremshanka Airport, the sister airport just two miles west of Yemelyanovo. Even though it was snowing like billy-o, the terminal building and control tower had burned down during a mysterious four-hour blaze that took thirty-eight fire engines to extinguish. It seemed the fates had conspired to remind me that I had no travel insurance. Still, it was a few days before I went online and actually bought some.