He didn't understand why I was angry and said, bewilderment on his face, 'His Excellency Saeed Bey advised me to pay compliments to the agwad, so I took the opportunity to do so.'
'Nevertheless, you should have asked my permission first! You don't know that sheikh. He's a man who…'
Then I fell silent because I didn't know what to say. If I started I'd have to explain everything, which I didn't want to do, not now at least.
Looking disappointed, Wasfi said, 'I'm very sorry, Your Excellency. I shall not repeat the mistake.'
Then he continued somewhat hesitantly, 'I brought with me prayer beads for the rest of the agwad, and for Your Excellency, of course, so if you'll give me permission…'
I waved my hand to dismiss him, saying, 'Do as you wish, Captain. Follow Saeed Bey's advice.'
No sooner had he left than I heard an urgent knocking on the door.
Sergeant Ibraheem entered, sketching a salute, and said, 'Excuse me, Excellency. Permit me to ask, why did Sheikh Sabir come to Your Excellency's office today? Since the incident, he's always stood at the door of the station and sent someone in with his requests.'
'He wanted to be introduced to the new officer. Why do you ask?'
Ibraheem was silent for a moment. Then he said, 'Forgive me, Excellency, once more, but I fear that man. He hasn't spoken to me once since my leg was cured. When he meets me in the road, he looks at me as though he doesn't know me. Not a word.'
I waved my hand dismissively. 'Don't concern yourself, Ibraheem.'
'I am not concerned. I just wanted to tell Your Excellency that I don't trust him in my heart. And I have heard things in the oasis. I have heard that he was the one who incited the zaggala to attack the station that day.'
'And I'm aware of that, without having to ask anyone from the oasis. He was presiding over a meeting of the agwad that morning and saw the zaggala marching on the station, yet neither he nor any of his agwad tried to stop them. He had known very well since the night before that they were going to attack and he made no attempt to inform me or warn me. I know all that, so what's new? What matters now is that he collect the taxes and hand them over without problems.'
'But for how long, Excellency? This calm itself scares me. I'm afraid for you and for the madame and even for her sister.'
'What's her sister got to do with this?'
'May God protect us all, but a man with revenge to take will not forget it, Excellency, and such men are insane. I had a colleague in the army, a very decent man, from a good family, who could read and write. He was promoted till he was on the verge of being made sergeant-major. He devoted himself entirely to his work and we never saw him go home to his village as all the rest of us did. All the same, one day someone came and killed him. There was an ancient feud with another family going back to the days of their forefathers. The other family wanted to hurt his, so they didn't kill just any peasant in the village and have done with it; they wanted to chop the head off the family, so the poor man lost his life through no fault of his own.'
'You worry too much, Sergeant!' I said.
'I'm sorry, Excellency. You and I are going to stay here because that's our job and how we earn our living, and whatever God has in store for us will be. But why don't you send the madame and her sister away from here as quickly as possible?'
'I'll think about it, Sergeant. You're dismissed.'
After he went out, I got up and started pacing the office, avoiding the window, for I didn't want to see anyone. Ibraheem had put into words what I'd been thinking about ever since Fiona came. I was no longer comfortable with Catherine's surprises. She might leave the house tomorrow and cause a new disaster. After her mourning for Maleeka, or her apparent mourning for her, she returned to being exactly the way she was. It was as though nothing whatsoever had happened, just as in the oasis, from which, the moment Maleeka was dead, all talk of fires, scorpions and other calamities disappeared, as though all the oasis had been waiting for to return to its former ways was her blood. Poor girl!
Last night, during the conversation between Catherine and that 'gentleman' Wasfi, I sensed new disasters on the way. I shall try to delay the departure for Marsa Matrouh of the caravan that the captain came with for a few days so I can make arrangements for her and her sister to travel.
Him, a captain! Of course!
A Military College graduate. From a rich Circassian family, certainly! I didn't envy him, but why had this fortunate young man come to this wretched oasis? He must certainly have the contacts to get himself out of such a dangerous assignment. So why had he come? And why was he buttering up Sheikh Sabir? Like you, Ibraheem, I don't trust him in my heart. So now new worries pile themselves on top of the old. Even Tal'at is making an appearance now to remind me of himself. His Excellency the deputy chief of police! Good for him! I never wanted to be like him or in his place, but what did I want? Once more, what is my problem?
The problem is precisely you, my dear major! It's no good in this world being half good and half bad, half a patriot and half a traitor, half brave and half a coward, half a believer and half a womanizer. Always in the middle. I didn't kill Maleeka but I let her be killed. I wanted to save young Mahmoud but in the midst of the attempt I let Ibraheem break his leg. I was a supporter for a time of the nation and the revolutionaries, and when it came to the test I denied them. And then I did nothing. Never was I one person, complete on the inside. Tal'at was more honest with himself. Since he'd been a traitor once, let him follow the road to its end. He sold himself and pocketed the price he'd asked for. I, I sold myself for no price at all, content to be bitter at myself, the British and the whole world without knowing what I'm asking for. Even in love I was always happy to settle for pleasure, then stop and not go to the end of the road. I let myself lose Ni'ma, whom I loved. I didn't get involved in a proper relationship before Catherine, but that's another story. I think that, inside, I've finished with her, after what happened to Maleeka, who lies every night between me and her, keeping me from her and her from me, and bursting in on my dreams.
Last night was an unending nightmare. She came to me with a scarf over her face and nothing of her showing except her huge eyes. She was running along the shore of a lake that was edged with greenery and I ran after her till I could almost take hold of her hand, but I couldn't catch up with her, no matter how hard I tried. The lake shore was transformed into a vast desert and I fell to the ground, impotent and exhausted, so she turned towards me and I screamed in terror when I saw the face of a hideous ghoul-woman with eyes like glowing coals, holding in her hand a rib of palm as large as a palm tree, which she thrust into my chest, burying me in the ground, which swallowed me up. Before she could bury me completely, however, I looked at her again and saw that beautiful face of hers that I had only ever seen once, the smooth chestnut hair fluttering around it and tears pouring from her eyes. Then I woke, panting and unable to draw breath, as though I really had been buried under the ground.
I remained standing in my room at the station catching my breath with difficulty, as though I had entered the dream anew.
I went back and sat at my desk, saying to myself for the thousandth time that there was nothing to be gained by thinking about things that couldn't be changed. I would never escape from the eyes of Maleeka. I would never escape from Catherine or Sabir or Ibraheem, or from the face of Tal'at, which had been peering at me since Wasfi had brought him back. I would never escape.
Let me then think about something else. Something beautiful; and what was there in my life more beautiful than Ni'ma? I would try to recall her whenever escape routes were blocked, but she too was punishing me. She was refusing to let her face visit me again. I couldn't blame her at all.