SEVEN
One. Two. Three. Four.
Two. Two. Three. Four.
Three. Two. Three. Four.
Four. Two. Three. Four.
Come on! Three more sets!
Gotta keep pushing.
Super Foetus needs to stay in shape.
No rest for the weary.
That means you too, Mommy.
“Sue Ellen, would you sit still!” I hear the man say. “I can’t sleep with you tossing and turning like that all the time.”
“Well, how do you think I feel? This baby is bouncing around like a Puerto Rican jumping bean.”
Sorry, Mommy. Nothing personal. Super Foetus gotta stay in shape. It’s a matter of survival.
“Okay, honey,” the man says, his tone becoming all sweet and soft. “About this baby…”
“What about it?”
“Let’s have it.”
Atta boy, Cleve. Talk some sense into her.
“No.”
“Come on, Sue Ellen. I can afford it.”
“Money ain’t got a damn thing to do with things.”
“Well, what is it, then?”
“I can’t deal with another child. I have three kids. I am done.”
“Sue Ellen, I don’t have any kids.”
“You have mine.”
“Come on. You know I love yer kids, but it’s just not the same. Heck, I’m a lot older than you, Sue Ellen. This could be my last chance.”
“I’m sorry, Cleve. I’m meeting Dr. Kurtsworth in the morning to take care of this, once and for all.”
“Fine!”
No sleep for me. Like a soldier in enemy territory, I gotta keep one eye open at all times. You never know when that doctor and that bitch Mommy might try something. In the morning, huh? Okay, Mommy. Super Foetus will be ready!
One. Two. Three. Four.
Two. Two. Three. Four.
“Ooooo, my tummy,” Mommy groans.
Three. Two. Three. Four. Push it! Push it! Gotta be stronger than that putz of a doctor.
“Sue Ellen, I gotta be up for work in three hours. Could ya please stop hoggin’ up all the pillows?”
“Here!” she says as she throws a pillow at him.
Four. Two. Three. Four. Don’t worry, Mommy. Just two more sets.
“Dammit, I wish this baby’d sit still.”
One. Two. Three. Four…
“Okay, Sue Ellen, now just relax while Dr. Ng runs an IV.”
It’s that freakin’ doctor talking. My blood is just boiling from the sound of his voice… or is it just from all the nice warm fuid in here? Ah, no matter. Point is he is pissing me off. I know what he is up to.
And this time, I am ready!
“Please, Dr. Kurtsworth, just get this over with. I need this taken care of so I can put this entire miserable experience behind me.”
Damn Mommy, you sure do know how to make a kid feel all warm and tingly inside.
“Don’t worry, Sue Ellen. I will have you in and out of here in no time. Just lie back and relax. Nurse, the speculum.”
Damn! There’s that breeze again.
“Now the tenaculum.”
Ouch! Fuckin’ ay, Doc. Give me some room in here. Quit crowding me.
“What’s that, Doctor?”
“Don’t panic, Sue Ellen. It’s just to help dilate things. Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“You seem a bit too coherent, Sue Ellen. The anesthesia should have you just on the verge of falling under.”
“I’m fine, Dr. Kurtsworth. Just do the job.”
“No, I’d better call Dr. Ng back in here to give you a little more.”
“No! Just kill the fuckin’ thing. Just finish this. Now!”
“Okay. Okay. Please relax, Sue Ellen. I will take good care of you.”
“Thank you. I just want this done.”
“Okay. Very good. Nurse, the curette, please.”
Bring it on, Doc. Go ahead. Just bring it on.
Here it comes. I see that curved, sharp-looking thing coming at me. He’s scraping at the edges of Mommy’s insides, looking for me. I’ll just squeeze here in this corner. I am very flexible. Maybe if I just really squeeze.
Fuck! He’s still coming.
“Nurse, help me out here. I don’t think I’m getting anything.”
“What’s going on, Dr. Kurtsworth?”
“Just hold still, Sue Ellen. Just hold still.”
Ouch! Fuck! Off my toes. That hurts.
Okay. A good soldier knows when it’s time to retreat. Get back into my corner. Yeah… that’s right, Doc. You can’t reach me here, buddy boy.
“This isn’t working.”
“What? What isn’t working?”
“Sue Ellen. Just relax. We are going to try something a little more serious.”
“What?”
“It’s called a D&E. It’s essentially the same thing, but I’ll have to use forceps to help grab the tissue.”
Tissue? Who you callin’ tissue, Doc? I am five pounds, two ounces of fury, and you ain’t never gonna get the best of me. This is my home. Stay the fuck out!
“Just do it! I want this done!”
“I know, Sue Ellen. We will take care of you. Nurse, get an ultrasound technician in here.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
This motherfuckinsonofabitchinSOfuckinB. He is not gonna give up. He is gonna keep coming at me. No more mister nice guy. Come on, Doc. You are gonna be one hurtin’ motherfuckin’ wannabe baby killer if you try me again.
“Would you look at that baby, Dr. Kurtsworth. Look at the arms and legs… they are so…” A new voice. Must be that technician.
“Defined?”
“It’s like a foetus on steroids. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Me either, but let’s get on with it.”
Yeah. Come on, biaaaaach!
What the fuck are those. Hey! Get off my leg with those freakin’ clippers. Do I look like a rosebush?”
“Okay, let’s get the vacuum on.”
Shit! What’s with the windstorm? Quit yanking at my leg. Goddamn son of a bitchin’ bastard.
Gotcha!
“It’s broken. The vacuum broke.”
Ah ha! It’s gonna take more than that to beat me, Doc. But that persistent bastard is still at my leg with those funny looking hooks. Hey! Stop tugging at me.
POP!
FUCK!
“Okay, I’ve got a piece of something.”
Yeah, Doc. My leg you fucker!
“Oh dear, Dr. Kurtsworth. Look at the muscles on that leg.”
“Throw it in the bin.”
“Yes, doctor.”
“What is going on, Dr. Kurtsworth?”
“Relax, Sue Ellen. We are taking care of it.”
Man that hurts. Mommy. Mommy, you’re supposed to love me and protect me. Not kill me!
I guess she doesn’t see it that way, ‘cause I hear her yell, “Is it dead yet?”
It? I ain’t no it, Mommy!
Now he’s yanking at the other leg, but I keep shaking him free. He just keeps after it. I’m grabbing them and yanking the sharp part. Twisting it around Mommy’s insides.