“Okay, Dr. Kurtsworth.”
Holy shit! What is that noise? Turn off that fucking jackhammer, doc! You’re freakin’ killing me. My ears are barely even formed yet. Are you trying to make me deaf for life? SHUT THAT NOISE OFF, MAN!
Goddamn. What’s with the Hoover. My four strands of stubbly hair barely busting out of their follicles are getting yanked towards the opening. Would you leave me alone? Damn! These hurricane winds are too much. I’m grabbing hold of Mommy’s slippery sides but it ain’t easy to get a firm grip on this greasy thing. Especially with all of Mommy’s inner goop whizzing by my head.
This is messed up, Mommy. Messed up. Give a brother a chance to grow some arms and legs.
“Nurse, we are going to have to do a D&C.”
“What’s going on, Dr. Kurtsworth?”
“Just relax, Sue Ellen. Normal complications.”
“Complications?”
“The vacuum just isn’t removing all the tissue. In order to ensure the pregnancy is fully terminated, I am going to do what is called a Dilation and Curettage. It’s very routine. I’ve done thousands of these.”
“Okay.”
“But we can’t do it today.”
“What!”
“For a D&C we use a general anaesthesia. For that you need an anaesthesiologist. And it’s best done at the hospital.”
“But I want this over now! I want this thing out of me!”
Well fuck you too, Mommy.
“I know, Sue Ellen. This is traumatic for you. I am going to give you some pills for your pain.”
And what about my pain, doc! You think ramming a needle in my head feels good?
Time to get in shape. Fitness. Nothing but wholesome foods in this body. Lots of veggies. Watch the carbs and dairy. If Mommy eats anything else, I am makin’ her puke it up. This is war. I am not safe. It’s all about survival brother. It’s all about beatin’ the man before the man beats you. Thousands of different ways they try to kill you every day. Dope, booze and cigarettes. Cars and motorcycles so fast it’s a wonder more folks don’t die on ‘em. Radiation, pollution. Shit, I can go on and on all day. But none of those problems bug me a bit. You, my friend, you could walk out of your house this morning and a metal sign left balancing precariously against a concrete block could just fall right on your head and kill ya, just ‘cause some pimple-faced kid didn’t do his job correctly. But me, I got a whole different problem. And my problem ain’t random like a metal sign, and it sure ain’t self induced like suckin’ down cigarettes ‘til ya can’t breathe no more.
No sir. That ain’t what my problem is.
My mommy is trying to kill me.
GODDAMNSONOFABITCHINMOTHERFUCKINSH-ITASS! My own Mommy wants me dead. That could really weigh on a brother’s conscience if you let it. Lay a headtrip on your mind like mad.
But not me. For me, this is motivation. Five hundred sit ups and three hundred push ups, every morning from now on.
If that sonofabitchin’ doctor comes after me again, I’ll be ready.
WHEN that sonofabitchin’ doctor comes after me again…
I will be ready.
No more Mr. Niceguy. No sir. No sir. No siree. I am no longer just a mild mannered developing human form. I am not just tissue and soft pink goopy soon-to-be fesh.
Heck no.
I AM SUPERFETUS!
SIX
Sue Ellen walked to the door after her late afternoon appointment with Dr. Kurtsworth. Her stomach turned simultaneously along with the doorknob, as she knew she’d find total chaos on the other side of the door.
“Mommy! Mommy!” Elie-Dre yelled as he ran towards her and leaped into her arms.
“Ouch. Easy, honey. Mommy isn’t feeling too good.”
“Mommy, can I go play at Maribel’s house?” Kimi-Sue shouted, trying to be heard over her brother.
“Kimi-Sue, it’s almost dinnertime.”
“So?”
“So, it’s too late to go over to Maribel’s house.”
“But I wanna go play with Maribel! I wanna play with Maribel, now!”
“Tomorrow.”
“No, not tomorrow. Today… Today! Today! Today!”
“Mommy said tomorrow.”
“No! Today… Today! Today! Today!”
“Oh, Kimi-Sue. Just stop it.” Sue Ellen walked past Kimi-Sue. Elie-Dre followed her still hollering. His shouts and screams were splitting right through her skull.
“Mommy, mommy. Guess what I did today?”
“What?” she said with a loud sigh, still walking away from him as she did. He tailed tightly behind, repeating himself over and over again until she stopped and made eye contact.
“I watched Sponge Bob.”
“That’s nice.”
“I watched Sponge Bob.”
“That’s nice, honey.”
“I watched Sponge Bob Square Pants.”
“That’s very nice, honey. I’m glad you enjoyed Sponge Bob.”
“Mommy! I watched Sponge Bob Square Pants!”
Elie-Dre just kept shouting. Nothing would stop him. Kimi-Sue joined in.
“Mommy, I wanna go to Maribel’s house.”
“Tomorrow, Kimi-Sue.”
“No! Today! I wanna go to Maribel’s house today!”
“Mommy! I watched Sponge Bob Square Pants!” he said as he yanked at her pant leg.
“Sue Ellen, what are we having for dinner?” Cleve asked.
She was about to answer, but couldn’t find the energy to talk over the racket.
“Mommy! I watched Sponge Bob Square Pants!”
“I wanna go to Maribel’s house today!”
“I watched Sponge Bob Square Pants!”
“I wanna go to Maribel’s house today!”
“I watched Sponge Bob Square Pants!”
“Sue Ellen,” he said, now whining and raising his voice to try and compete with the kids, “What’s fer dinner?”
“I watched Sponge Bob Square Pants!”
“Mommy, I want to go to Maribel’s today.”
“I watched Sponge Bob Square Pants!”
The boy kept yanking at her pant leg as the girl kept yelling in her ear. The man kept increasing the level of his voice too, not quite yelling, but making sure he was heard.
“Sue Ellen… what are we having for dinner?”
Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted her sweet and precious Elie-Jay. Quiet as could be, sitting on his little blue chair with a Dr. Suess book opened in front of him.
So what if a mother wasn’t supposed to play favourites. Whoever said that didn’t have a son like Elie-Jay. Of course Elie-Jay was her favourite. He was a perfect boy.
Of course Elie-Jay was her favourite. He was her only child born out of love.
Love like she’d only found once in her lifetime. She remembered the day so vividly: Little Kimi-Sue screamed as Daddy asked, “Where’s Justin? I’m too old to be babysitting all the time.”
“I know, Daddy. Just put her in the swing. He’s on his way over.”
The door opened, and Justin waltzed in, in full baseball uniform, carrying his mitt, his dirty spikes tracking mud along the linoleum floor.
“Hi, Big Bad Baby Daddy,” Sue Ellen said with a smile. She walked towards him.
“Come on, Sue Ellen. You know that name is so last week. Call me the new name.”
“I’m sorry. Hi, Big Booby Bobby.”
“Yeah, that’s better. Come on. Let’s go.”
Kimi-Sue finally quieted down in her swing. Daddy looked over. “Are you going out, Sue Ellen? I thought Justin was going to watch the baby tonight.”