Love you,
Mommy
EUNI-TARD: Sally, are you okay?
SALLYSTAR: Yeah. You? This is insane. We’ve been “advised” not to leave the campus. Some of the Midwestern first years are freaking out. I’m putting together an info session to help everyone deal.
EUNI-TARD: I do not want you doing ANYTHING Political! Do you hear me? This is the one time I think mom’s like 100 percent right. Please, Sally, just promise me.
SALLYSTAR: Okay.
EUNI-TARD: This is SERIOUS. I am your older sister, Sally.
SALLYSTAR: I said OKAY.
SALLYSTAR: Eunice, why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend?
EUNI-TARD: Because I have to be a “roll model” according to mom.
SALLYSTAR: That’s not funny. It’s like you’re not even my sister if you can’t tell me these things.
EUNI-TARD: Well, it’s not like we’re a normal family, right? We’re a special family. Ha ha. Anyway, he’s not really my bf. It’s not like we’re getting married. I told mom he’s my roommate.
SALLYSTAR: What’s he like? Is he muh-shee-suh?
EUNI-TARD: Does that matter? I mean, it’s not really about looks with this guy. He’s not Korean either, just so you know and can get judge-mental on me.
SALLYSTAR: I guess as long as he treats you well.
EUNI-TARD: Ugh, I don’t want to be having this conversation.
SALLYSTAR: Is he coming to the crusade on Tuesday?
EUNI-TARD: Yes. So please act brain-smart. Do you know anything about Classics? I mean like texts?
SALLYSTAR: I just scanned Euro Classics but I don’t remember a thing there were so many text pages. Something by this guy Grayham Green about a Vietnamese girl called Phuong, like the girl who worked at Lee’s Banh Mi in Gardena. Why do we have to impress him?
EUNI-TARD: We don’t. I just want him to know we’re a smart family.
SALLYSTAR: I’m sure mom will act nice and then say really mean things behind his back.
EUNI-TARD: They’ll just sit there and dad will drink and make those throat-clearing noises.
SALLYSTAR: Muhuuhuhuhuhmm.
EUNI-TARD: Hah! I love it when you imitate dad. I miss you.
SALLYSTAR: Why don’t you come to dinner with Uncle Joon Friday? Maybe sans boyfriend.
EUNI-TARD: I like that “sans.” That’s brain-smart. I don’t really want to see Uncle Joon. He’s a fucking deadbeat.
SALLYSTAR: That’s mean.
EUNI-TARD: He yelled at me last Thanksgiving when he visited from Korea because mom and I got a turkey that’s too large. And his wife went shopping in Topanga and she bought Dad a pair of pliers for, like, sixteen bucks, not even yuan-pegged, and kept saying “Oh, make sure your dad knows this gift from me.” Do you know how much money dad’s given that idiot husband of hers and she bought him some pliers in return?
SALLYSTAR: They’re family. And their taxi business isn’t doing good. It’s the thought that counts.
EUNI-TARD: They’re the only people in Korea not making any money these days. Retards.
SALLYSTAR: Why are you so angry all the time? What’s your bf’s name?
EUNI-TARD: I’m just an angry person by nature. And I hate it when people take advantage of other people. His name is Lenny. I told you he’s really not my bf.
SALLYSTAR: Did he graduate your year from college?
EUNI-TARD: Um, he’s 15 years older.
SALLYSTAR: Oh, Eunice.
EUNI-TARD: Whatever. He’s smart. And he takes care of me. And if you and mom are going to hate him then it’s only going to make me like him more.
SALLYSTAR: I’m not going to hate him. Is he Christian or Catholic?
EUNI-TARD: Neither! He’s circumcised. Ha ha.
SALLYSTAR: I don’t get it.
EUNI-TARD: He’s Jewish. I call him kokiri. You’ll see why!
SALLYSTAR: That’s interesting, I guess.
EUNI-TARD: What have you been eating?
SALLYSTAR: Just some mangoes with this fresh Greek yogurt they got at the cafeteria now.
EUNI-TARD: For lunch? Are you snacking?
SALLYSTAR: I had an avocado.
EUNI-TARD: They’re good for you but they’re fatty.
SALLYSTAR: OK. Thanks.
EUNI-TARD: Lenny says things to me that are so sweet but they don’t make me vomit. Not like some Media or Credit guy who just wants to get laid and move on. Lenny cares. And he’s there for me every day.
SALLYSTAR: I didn’t say anything, Eunice. You don’t have to defend him. Just make sure he takes off his shoes if he ever comes to the house.
EUNI-TARD: Ha ha. I know. White people are sick that way. They could have just stepped in poo or a homeless person.
SALLYSTAR: SICK!
EUNI-TARD: Lenny says I don’t have any control over my emotions, because that’s what dad is like. He says I crave negative attention.
SALLYSTAR: You told a stranger about dad????
EUNI-TARD: He’s not a stranger. You have to get out of that mindset. That’s what being in a relationship is about. Talking to the other person.
SALLYSTAR: That’s why I’m never going to be in a relationship. I’m just going to get married.
EUNI-TARD: Do you ever miss CA? I miss In-N-Out. I’d kill for an Animal Style burger. Mmm. Grilled onions. Not that you should be eating red meat. I just sometimes want to go back to how things were when we were really young. You know what’s the worst is when you’re happy and sad at the same time and you can’t figure out which is which.
SALLYSTAR: I guess. I got to study for chem. Don’t talk about our family too much to others, okay, Eunice? They won’t understand it and no one cares anyway.
EUNI-TARD: Please stay safe, Sally. Just study and eat healthy. I love you so much.
EUNI-TARD TO GRILLBITCH:
Dear Precious Pony,
What a week. I am SO fucked. My mother found out I wasn’t living with Joy Lee, so I finally told her I had a white “roommate” who is also a BOY. So now she wants me to go to some stupid church thing so she can meet him. Ugh, this is like my worst nightmare. Lenny’s been whining to meet my parents and now he’ll think I’m caving in and he has the upper hand with me and can do whatever he wants, like not clean the apartment or make me leave the tip at restaurants even though he knows my Credit is MAXED. Yup my ranking just hit the magic number. Under 900! So much for “Chinese” people not spending. Ha ha.
And now my mom will know I’m dating an old hairy white guy. So I told Lenny he can’t tell my mom that we’re going out and he got really upset, like he thinks I’m ashamed of him or something. He says that I’m trying to push him away because I’m substituting him for my father, but that he won’t let me, which is pretty ballsy for a nerd-face.
Things have been pretty up and down with us, although he finally had some Magic Pussy Penetration Time and it wasn’t bad. What he lacks in looks he more than makes up for in passion. I thought he was going to explode! What else? The riots were pretty awful and now it takes forever to get around town. Lenny tries to act all gallant like he’s going to protect me from those National Guard guys but it’s not like they’re going to shoot Asians, right?
Oh, I met his friends. This one guy Noah was cute, kind of tall and conventionally handsome. His girlfriend is this really hot woman Amy Greenberg, who has her own stream that gets like a million views. She has this really awesome pseudo-smart personality and a pretty hot face. She streams about not being petite, which is sad but she just wasn’t built that way. Anyway I noticed Noah scoping me OUT and when I took off my sweater he just started STARING down my shirt and I was flattered, but it’s not like I’ve got anything down there. Then he told me I had “acerbic wit” and I was just like “ha ha,” although I couldn’t help mentally cheating on Lenny a little. And then this Korean girl Grace was talking to me for hours. She’s really sweet and tries to make you feel like she’s on your side, but I think it’s all just an act. She got all this information about how my father beats my mother because she spoilt the tofu under the guise of befriending me. I don’t know why I told her any of it and I felt really vulnerable the whole night. Whatever. I hate all of them.