CHUNG.WON.PARK TO EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Eunhee,
How do you think you have Mommy for? Any way you have trouble you write to me, not only for when you need money. When you work lawyer Mommy proud of you and you do not ask her for money. You will be proud also because you help Mommy and family. Family is most important, otherwise why GOD put us on earth? I very worry for you and Sally. Daddy not feeling good. Maybe all is my fault. I pray in church extra for you. Reverend Cho say all young people have special path. Do you know what it is your special path? Please tell me if you know, other wise we look together. And keep Jesu in your heart. It is important! Also there are korean boys everywhere. Go to korean church and you will find date. Maybe you do not understand my bad english.
I Love you,
Mommy
EUNI-TARD ABROAD TO CHUNG.WON.PARK:
What do you mean Daddy’s not feeling good? If anything bad is happening you and Sally have to go to Eunhyun’s house. Mom! Forget freaking Jesu for a second. THIS IS IMPORTANT. You’re making me very scared. Did he do anything to you or Sally? I tried to call the house eight times yesterday but all I got is the voice mail. Verbal me on my GlobalTeens account when you get this!
CHUNG.WON.PARK TO EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Eunhee,
Do not make uncomfortable yourself. Daddy drink a little much and he get mad because I make soon-dubu with spoilt tofu. I told Sally to go for walk but she sleep in guess room and I sleep in basement. So all okay! Did you get transfer fund to AlliedWaste? Check make sure. It a lot of money so don’t make me dissapoint. Enjoy rome, you make good student at Elderbird, you deserve. But now your life just begin. Do not make anymore mistake! Stay away from meeguk boy. They all have bad intent, even christian ones. I pray to Jesu every day that you find kind happiness I never have, because maybe I make sin against GOD. I have so much ashame. Write Sally more. She miss you. You have big responsibility because you big sister. I am very sorry you not get LSAT score you wanted. You sad, Mommy sad. When you hurt, Mommy hurt more.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally! What is going on with mom and dad?
SALLYSTAR: Nothing. He got upset because of the soon-dubu. What do you care?
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Why are you angry at ME?
SALLYSTAR: I’m not angry. Leave me alone. Do they have Saaami summer bras in Rome?
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Yes, but they’re eighty euros.
SALLYSTAR: How much is that?
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Way too much. You can get it much cheaper at the Saaami store on Elizabeth Street or just order on TeenyBopper. Why do you want to wear a bra that lets everyone see your nipples? And I thought you didn’t care about fashion.
SALLYSTAR: Everyone’s wearing them. Even in Fort Lee.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Who in Fort Lee?
SALLYSTAR: Grace Lee’s sister.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Bona? She’s an idiot.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally, did dad hit you?
SALLYSTAR: He says he misses California. The office was empty all week. All the Koreans in NJ already have podiatrists. Mom’s acting like a space cadet.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Fine, don’t answer my question. Thanks for hiding my LSAT.
SALLYSTAR: Mom found it anyway. What’s up?
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I met a cute white guy here. He works for LandO’LakesGMFord.
SALLYSTAR: It’s easier to date a Korean guy. For the families and everything.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Thanks, Mom.
SALLYSTAR: I’m just saying.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Yeah, maybe I’ll date a Korean guy like dad. That’s called “a pattern.”
SALLYSTAR: Whatever. You take his money. I have to go to a meeting at 1.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: What meeting?
SALLYSTAR: Columbia-Tsinghua protest against the ARA. We’re going to DC in a week.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: What’s ARA?
SALLYSTAR: American Restoration Authority. The Bipartisans. Don’t you ever stream the news?
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: You ARE angry at me.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally, you don’t have to live with mom and dad. You can go live at the Barnard dorm. You can get a paid internship or a job in a store. I don’t want you getting Political. Let’s just try to enjoy our lives.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally? Hello? Do you want me to come home? I’ll fly back tomorrow if you want me to. I’ll take care of mom.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally, please don’t be angry at me. I’m sorry I’m not there when you and mommy need me. I’m such a fuck-up.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally? Hello? You’ve probably left. It’s one o’clock your time.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally, I love you.
LEONARDO DABRAMOVINCI TO EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Oh, hi there. It’s Lenny Abramov. You might remember me from our little time in Rome. Thanks for brushing my teeth! Hee hee. So, anyway, just got back to the US of A. I’ve been practicing my abbreviations. I think you said ROFLAARP in Rome. Does that mean “Rolling On Floor Looking At Addictive Rodent Pornography”? See, I’m not that old! Anyway, been thinking about you. Coming to NYC anytime soon? You’ve got a place to stay here. I’ve got a nice place all set up, 740 square feet, balcony, view of downtown. Can’t compete with da tonino, but I make a pretty mean roasted eggplant. I can even sleep on the couch if you want me to. Call or write anytime. It was really, really, REALLY great to meet you. I’m committing the constellation of your freckles to memory as I write this (hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable).
Love,
Leonard
3 THE OTTER STRIKES BACK
New York City
Dearest Diary,
I saw the fat man at the first-class lounge at Fiumicino. There’s a special terminal for flights to the United States and SecurityState Israel, the most dilapidated terminal at the Roman airport, where everyone who is not a passenger is basically carrying a gun or pointing some sort of scanning gizmo at you. There aren’t even seats for the economy-class passengers by the gates, because they can scan you better standing up, get between your folds of flesh and light you up like a six-hundred-watt bulb. Anyway, life’s a lot better in the first-class lounge, and that’s where I went to see if I could find some last-minute High Net Worth Individuals, some potential Life Lovers who might be interested in our Product. I could see myself strolling into boss man Joshie’s office and saying, “Look at this! Even when he’s traveling, your Lenny’s looking for prospects. I’m like a doctor. Always on call!”
First-class lounges aren’t what they used to be. Most Asian HNWIs fly private planes these days, but my äppärät picked up on some scan-able faces, an old-time porno star and a slick guy from Mumbai just starting out on his first worldwide Retail empire. They all had some money on them, if not the twenty million northern euros in investable income that I’m looking for, but there was this one guy who registered nothing. I mean he wasn’t there. He didn’t have an äppärät, or it wasn’t set on “social” mode, or maybe he had paid some young Russian kid to have the outbound transmission blocked. And he looked like a nothing. The way people don’t really look anymore. Not just imperfect, but awful. A fat man with deeply recessed eyes, a collapsed chin, limp and dusty hair, a T-shirt that all but exposed his large breasts, and a gross tent of air atop where one imagined his genital would be. No one would look at him except me (and then only for a minute), because he was at the margins of society, because he was without rank, because he was ITP or Impossible to Preserve, because he had no business being mixed up with real HNWIs in a first-class lounge. Now, in hindsight, I want to imbue him with some heroism; I want to place a thick book in his hands and perch even thicker bifocals on his nose. I want him to look like Benjamin Franklin. But, then, I promised you the truth, dear diary. And the truth is that from the moment I saw him I was scared.