She didn’t like hearing him say that. “It’s not so hard. You could come with me. If we stayed in bed and made love all the time, we wouldn’t have to worry about getting enough exercise.” She forced herself to sound teasing and playful when in fact she was deadly serious.
He shook his head. “It’s too late for me. Hell, it was probably too late when I first signed up.”
“That’s not true. Why would you believe that?”
He shrugged but didn’t answer.
She knew he’d been through a lot more than she had. His childhood, growing up with parents who weren’t interested in him, serving four years in a juvenile facility, plus time in the military. Then fourteen years with the agency on some difficult assignments, including his last one. How many times had he faced death and walked away?
“Was it worth it?” she asked, not really expecting an answer. “Was the job worth your life?”
“The job is my life. I never thought I had a choice. And now I don’t know any different. I’ve been out too long. Tucked too much inside. Even if I could find my way back, I’m not sure I’d do it. What’s the point?”
“How about something less dangerous? Surely that’s worth a little effort?”
“You’re talking about being normal. For me normal has always been a bizarre concept.”
He was hiding from the truth, she thought with a flash of insight. It wasn’t that leaving the agency didn’t appeal to him; it was that he believed the price would be too high to get out. He had too much locked away. The thought of letting it out must be terrifying.
In the past, he’d hinted that feeling meant destruction. Was that true or just an excuse?
She thought about pushing the point, but Zach was stubborn enough to choose not to cooperate if he thought that best.
“We could go out to dinner if you want,” she said, changing the subject. “But it seems like a hassle to me. Why don’t we just order in?”
“Sounds great.”
She walked to the bed and handed him the menu. While he studied it, she wondered if she was really capable of saving Zach. After all, she hadn’t saved herself yet.
“I can’t believe you ordered that,” Zach said, pointing at Jamie’s dinner.
She looked up and grinned. Since they’d made love the previous night, she hadn’t tied her hair back in a braid. It hung loose around her shoulders. In her sweatshirt and jeans, with bare feet and no makeup, she looked about as sophisticated as a puppy at a formal dinner.
“Why not? It’s everything I’ve been craving. When I bought food for the cabin, I was more concerned with healthy foods that wouldn’t spoil. This is heaven.” She speared another piece of lettuce from her salad.
She’d ordered two green salads, a fruit salad and french fries. Zach shuddered at the combination. He, too, had wanted a salad, but just one, and a steak-served rare.
“Speaking of weird,” she said. “Why are you eating raw meat?”
“It’s not raw.”
“Sure, it is. It’s probably not even warm.” She grimaced. “I suppose I should be grateful it’s not goat.”
“You don’t like goat?”
“Not anymore.” She wrinkled her nose. “I was in a little village in the Middle East a few years ago. I stayed with this family, posing as a visiting relative. There were guns being smuggled in and out of the village. Anyway, they didn’t really have room for me, so I slept under a lean-to with the goats. There was this one young goat that always curled up next to me. We really got to be friends.”
He could imagine the scene. Jamie’s blond hair dyed dark brown. Dirt smudging her face. By day she would have fit in with the other women, performing household chores. At night she would have slipped into the village and figured out what was going on. He wished he could have been there to see her.
“You bonded with a goat?” he asked, teasing her.
She laughed. “Sort of. So I found the gunrunners, took care of the problem. The family’s oldest son was involved with them. I managed to get him out so he wasn’t caught and taken away to prison. They were very grateful.” She popped a french fry into her mouth and sighed. “Heaven. That night they prepared a special dinner. Goat, of course. I wasn’t too concerned until I went to go to sleep and my friend was missing.”
Zach tried to appear sympathetic, but he couldn’t help chuckling. “They served you your friend.”
“Exactly.” She shuddered. “I haven’t had goat since.”
“Try two weeks in the desert with no supplies. Goat would have looked pretty good.”
She reached for her glass. They’d ordered wine with dinner. “Where was that?”
“Africa.”
“James Bond makes it look so easy,” she said. “Fancy technology, close escapes, great clothes. In the movies, no one mentions how bad you smell after living with livestock or camping in the desert.”
“Agreed. But I still like James Bond.”
She leaned back in her chair and grinned. “Me, too. Okay-longest assignment and where?”
“Eight months, South America.”
She stuck her tongue out. “Mine was a year.”
He cut off a piece of steak. “Yeah, but where?”
“Berlin.”
“There’s a hardship. Living in a house, having access to electricity and stores. Boy, Jamie, what a rough life.”
“It was hard,” she said, sounding faintly indignant, although it was difficult to take her seriously as she licked the salt from the fries off her fingers. “I had to learn German. I did okay, but my accent was very shaky.”
“Strangest escape,” he said.
She thought for a second. “Pretending to be a sheepherder in the Ukraine.”
“Air balloon from China to India.”
“Oh, I guess you win that one.”
They continued to play the game, comparing assignments without sharing details. They were both too good to let secrets slip out, even with each other. It was an odd way to pass the evening, but he enjoyed it. He hadn’t ever shared much about his work. Jamie was different from any woman he’d ever known.
His experience with the opposite sex was limited to brief encounters. He’d had his share of lovers, although none of them had stayed long enough for him to get used to them. As a rule, he preferred those who didn’t demand much. He liked being able to walk away without leaving anything of himself behind. Someone easily bought off with an expensive bauble.
Jamie wasn’t like that. She expected more. With her he was often tempted to share all of it, even though he knew the danger. With her he wanted to believe it was possible even though it wasn’t.
She looked up at him. “Zach, when did you find the Bronco battery?”
“A couple of days ago.”
“Before we-” She cleared her throat.
“Yeah, before.” Before they had become lovers. Before she’d tempted him with the silky heat of her body.
“Why didn’t you leave?”
He didn’t have an honest answer for that. Not one he was willing to share. He hadn’t been ready to go. He knew this time when he left her, it was forever. She’d forgiven him once-he wasn’t going to get a second chance.
“We had a deal,” he said lightly. “I have to be able to run to the highway and back.”
She didn’t look as if she believed him. For a moment, he thought she might pursue the question, then she let it go.
She’d once asked him if he had regrets. He had one. Her. But he wasn’t sure if he regretted having her in his life or having to let her go.
Chapter 12
Jamie jogged in place at the stoplight. It was a perfect spring morning in Denver, the kind of day that made tourists think about permanently moving to a place. A few white, puffy clouds added contrast to the brilliant blue sky. The mountain peaks were still snowcapped, but the city was lush and green with budding trees and new grass.