“Remember that family at the zoo?” she asked.
“Hmm.” His voice rumbled in his chest.
“They made it look so easy. That little girl was really cute. So much personality and so trusting.”
“And all that leopard could think was snack time.”
She brushed her hand over his chest, then tucked her fist under her chin. “Whenever I’ve thought about couples and children, I always thought it would be so complicated. But I’m beginning to see it doesn’t have to be. I’m making it complicated because I don’t understand the dynamics. Then I think of that old couple in the restaurant. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be married to someone for that long. Yet they looked really happy together. So it can be done, if you’re willing to work at it. There’s no magic, there’s just believing.”
“What’s your point?”
She ignored the slight stiffening of his body and snuggled closer. “I know why you’re afraid, Zach,” she whispered. “Despite that, it’s still worth the effort.”
“I won’t pretend to know what you’re talking about.”
She sat up and shifted so she was cross-legged. The sheet pooled around her waist, but she didn’t bother pulling it up. After all, he’d seen every part of her already. She had nothing to hide.
“I finally figured it out,” she said. “I know what happened in the past. It took me this long to figure it out because I couldn’t get beyond my own hurt to look at the bigger picture. I was so angry, for years I didn’t care about your feelings.”
He started to roll away. She placed her hand on his shoulder and held him in place. When he sagged back on the bed, she exhaled a sigh of relief. He could have defeated her physically. The fact that he didn’t gave her hope.
“Seven years ago-”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, cutting her off. “I don’t have any magic answers for you. I’m not interested in finding a way back to the world you so admire.” He glared at her but didn’t move away.
“We have to talk about it,” she said. “It’s important.” She paused to gather her thoughts. “Seven years ago, you told me I had to make a choice. Do you remember?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but continued. “I could either be a good agent or I could have a normal life. I couldn’t do both.”
He glanced away without saying anything.
“You were right,” she continued. “The agency requires a hundred percent commitment. I couldn’t have done that kind of work if I’d been worried about a husband or a family. But no matter how much I used work to fill my life, I couldn’t help but feel empty inside. For a long time, I thought it was just anger at you. I thought you’d led me on-got me to believe in you and care about you, then dumped me. I thought it was about your ego rather than my feelings.”
His hand clamped over her wrist. His dark eyes filled with the truth. “I never meant to hurt you, Jamie. You’ve got to believe that.”
She nodded slowly. “I do. I also know I made a mistake seven years ago. Why didn’t you tell me the truth? Why did you let me walk away believing you were a jerk?”
This time he did roll away. He walked naked to the window and stared out at the sleeping city. The light from the small lamp by the bed didn’t reach that far. Zach stood in shadow. A shiver of fear rippled through her, but she ignored it. She had to get it all out now. Something inside of her told her this might be her last chance.
“The choice wasn’t between the agency and a real life,” she said. “You were the choice. That’s what I didn’t get. Because you didn’t ask me to stay with you, I thought you didn’t want me. But the opposite was true. You really cared about me. You wanted me to demand to stay with you. And I didn’t.”
She drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. “Of all the people in the world, you knew how important the agency was to me. You knew how hard I’d worked to achieve my goal. You knew what I was capable of. So you let me go, because you believed it was the right thing to do. I had a chance to be the best, and you wanted to make sure that happened. At the time, I might have agreed with you, but now I’m not so sure you made the right choice.”
“Don’t do this, Jamie. You don’t know what you’re getting into,” he said.
“Yeah, Zach, for once I do. For a long time, I thought I’d failed you in some way. I tried to figure out what I’d done that was so wrong. Then, when I started to realize what had really happened, I thought I’d been the one who had failed. Finally I got my answer.”
She slipped off the bed and walked over toward the window. She stood behind him, close enough to feel his warmth, but not touching him. “Seven years ago, I wasn’t right for you. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with your demons, I didn’t understand what you’d been through. I wasn’t the right woman to love you.”
She had to fight to keep her voice from shaking. This was harder than she’d thought. Continuing was the only option even though she really wanted to bolt for safety.
“I’m the right woman now. I know what you’ve been through because I’ve been there myself. I can help with the past. Together we can find a future. I’m the one you’ve been waiting for, Zach. I’m your other half. And I love you.”
The silence was deafening. It throbbed against her ears like falling cabin pressure. She held her breath and prayed for a miracle. As the silence stretched on, she remembered she was dealing with a man who had sold his soul to the devil a long time ago. There wasn’t going to be a miracle.
But she had to keep trying. This was the most important moment of her life.
“You asked me once what I would do if I could turn back time,” she said. “Would I still do everything the same? I have my answer now. I would have done everything the same. I couldn’t have stayed with you then. You wouldn’t have let me be a part of your work, and I couldn’t bear to have waited at home for you. I had to go out and make my own way. I had to use my skills, test myself. I had to grow enough to be your mate.”
He spun on her with savage fury. “You’re not my goddamn mate. I’m not a wild animal to be captured and bred.”
“Yes, you are,” she said softly. “You’re exactly like that leopard in the cage. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. It’s more than your pacing at the cabin. It’s the way you view life.”
He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “Stop it,” he demanded. “Stop saying these things. I don’t want to hear them.”
She stared at him, unafraid. “You can’t run away from this,” she said.
“The hell I can’t.”
He released her and stalked to the bed. The lamp there illuminated his body. As always, his male beauty took her breath away. Love filled her and made her strong. They’d survived worse; they would survive this.
“I don’t want to hear this,” he repeated, and began pacing. “You can believe whatever you want, but that doesn’t make it true.”
“You can pretend not to hear my words,” she said, “but that doesn’t change reality. I love you.”
He shuddered as if she’d struck him. “I don’t want your love. Don’t care about me. Don’t you see? That’s what all this is about. It’s not that I don’t want to love you, Jamie. I don’t want you to love me.”
He continued pacing, but she saw him from a great distance. It was as if she’d left her body and was floating above the room. His lips moved, but she couldn’t hear the words. All that she heard was the thundering of her heartbeat.
He didn’t love her now and he would never love her. Worse, he didn’t want her to love him.
Something white cut through her. She identified it as intense, soul-burning pain. She’d been wrong about everything.
Awareness returned with a rush. His words continued to tumble out.
“Why do you have to make it more than it is?” he asked. “Isn’t this enough?” He motioned to the bed. “It’s a hell of a lot more than most people have.” He stopped and stared at her. “All I wanted was a few laughs, kid. I’m sorry you got emotionally involved.”