“I don’t believe you,” she said, forcing the words past stiff lips. “You need me to find your way back.”
“I’m not going back.”
“What are you so afraid of?” she asked, close to tears. “How can you keep on living like this? It’s only half a life. There could be so much more.”
He shook his head. “You seem to think I can’t find my way into this world you admire. That’s not it, Jamie. The truth is I don’t want to. I’m simply not interested in the journey or the destination.”
Chapter 15
The next morning, they drove back to the cabin in silence. Jamie was still in shock. She couldn’t believe everything had disintegrated so quickly. One minute they had been lovers; the next they weren’t even speaking. It would have been kinder if Zach had simply taken out a gun and shot her. At least that would have been quick. This way she was left to replay their conversation over and over in her mind. She could second-guess herself from now until the end of time, wondering what other words she could have said to make a difference. She could create other scenarios where she was able to make him see what was important. She could imagine a happy future that had turned out to be little more than a fantasy. But she couldn’t change what had really happened between them.
She supposed the fatal flaw in her logic was her belief Zach would actually give a damn that she loved him. How naive. He’d never cared before. Why should this time be different?
She thought about trying to make conversation, but she couldn’t summon the energy. It wasn’t just her shattered spirit; she was also physically exhausted.
She hadn’t slept the previous night. Zach had grabbed a pair of jeans and disappeared into the living room of the suite. She’d crawled into bed, curling up like a wounded animal. She’d stared into the darkness and tried to figure out how everything had fallen apart so quickly. She’d searched for an answer, prayed again for a miracle. There had been no answer but silence and the dampness of the tears on her cheeks.
She closed her eyes against the beautiful countryside stretched out on either side of the highway. She didn’t want to see the trees or the mountains one last time. It was bad enough she’d lost Zach; she didn’t want to have to miss their private world, too.
Time passed. A while later, she felt the vehicle turn onto a steep driveway. The Bronco rocked as it climbed. Then it came to a stop.
Zach got out without saying anything. He walked to the cabin. Minutes later he was back out, dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. He started running.
She opened the passenger door and stepped onto the hard ground. She knew where he was going and what he was going to do. He would run to the road and back. Down the driveway. She’d promised when he was able to do that, she would leave. Now he wanted her to go.
She thought about unloading the luggage in the back, but it was too much work. She could barely gather the strength together to draw breath in and out. Everything hurt. What had happened? Why was he doing this to her? What had she done wrong?
She made her way to the front stairs and settled there. It was a perfect late-spring day. Birds flitted from tree to tree. Soft green grass sprouted from rich soil. Wildflowers dotted the ground.
She inhaled the sweet scents of new life. Tears were so close to the surface, but she forced them back. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t find an answer to the question of what she’d done wrong-and then she figured out why. She hadn’t done anything wrong. None of this was about her. She was willing to risk it all for love.
Not Zach. He wanted to hold everything inside, regardless of what it cost him now or in the future. He chose to walk away.
The rumble of an engine caught her attention. She glanced up and saw a Federal Express truck pulling up beside the Bronco. A uniformed young woman stepped out and carried over a flat package.
“How you doing?” the woman asked.
“Fine, thanks.” Jamie’s response was automatic. She didn’t think this stranger wanted to know how she was really feeling.
“I’ve got a package for Zach Jones.”
“I’ll sign for it.” Jamie stood up and started toward the woman. “He’s out running.”
“I saw him. He’s like a maniac, tearing down the mountain. I didn’t know he was there and I was scared I might hit him. He just ran on by, like he didn’t even see me.”
“He probably didn’t.” She signed on the line indicated, then took the package. The return address was a familiar one in Washington.
Had Winston found him, or had Zach called in the night? Probably the latter. Winston wouldn’t have known Zach was ready to return to work.
She waved at the woman as she turned her truck around. The sound of the engine faded, then there was only silence.
Jamie stared at the package. She knew what was inside. Information on Zach’s next assignment. Where would he go this time? Would his life be in danger? Would he make it? She wasn’t going to be around to rescue him again. He’d been in the field for nearly fourteen years. What if all his luck was used up? What if she never saw him alive again?
She sat there in the sunlight, trying to find answers. There weren’t any. She could only exist through the pain and wonder if she was going to die of a broken heart.
Finally Zach came jogging around the bend in the driveway. He was breathing hard and covered in sweat. She knew what he was going to tell her. He’d reached the highway. It was time for her to go.
He stopped in front of her, then bent over and braced his hands on his thighs. Sweat ran down his face and neck. His T-shirt clung to him in damp patches. She couldn’t bear to hear the words, so she spoke them for him.
“You made it,” she said.
He nodded, still unable to speak. Finally he straightened. “You don’t belong here,” he gasped, then turned and walked back and forth in front of the porch. “I don’t want or need you in my life.”
She watched him. Through the pain and sadness, some small spark flared to light. Anger. It temporarily stopped the bleeding and gave her courage.
“I almost believe you,” she said.
He glanced at her, obviously startled.
“You want me to crawl away broken and defeated, thinking I made a big fool out of myself,” she continued. “It’s not going to be that easy.”
Under his quickly darkening stare, her courage nearly faltered. She reminded herself this was for all the marbles. There wasn’t going to be a second chance. If she didn’t risk everything, she would spend the rest of her life wondering what could have been.
“I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what went wrong,” she said. “What I did that was so horrible. Then I realized it was you.”
“That’s convenient,” he growled. “Whatever works. You’ve had your say. Now go.”
“Not so fast. I’m not done.” She paused for effect. And because she was shaking. “You’re a coward.”
That got his attention. He raised his eyebrows. “Be careful,” he warned, his voice silky with danger.
“I’m not afraid,” she said. “You are. You are so terrified to feel even one emotion. You hide behind your work. You frighten people away. You won’t dare get involved with anyone who might actually want something from you, especially if what they want is for you to feel something. You only slipped up once, and that was with me. Seven years ago, you got involved, even though you knew it was going to have a price. You were so scared, you were willing to do anything to get rid of me. That’s why you made me choose.”
She took a step toward him. He stopped pacing and stared at her. “Damn you, Zach. You didn’t have the right. It wasn’t your place to play God with my life.”