“I did what I thought was best at the time.”
She swore. “Go sell it somewhere else. No one here believes that. You talk as if you handled the situation well. I’ve got some news. You didn’t. You were a complete jerk. You’re nothing but a faker. You think you’ve managed your life pretty well. You think you’re so tough, but there are ninety-pound weaklings with more backbone, more moral fiber and more courage than you can even imagine. Being able to take a bullet doesn’t mean you’re strong. Even a wild animal will face death bravely if the animal is motivated. Real strength is about giving something from inside. Giving something that matters, that actually costs something. It’s not brave to risk it all when you have nothing to lose.”
He turned away. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“You’re wrong. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. And that’s what makes this so hard.” Her anger faded as quickly as it had flared, and she was left with nothing but the pain and emptiness. Still, she forced herself to go on.
“I know it all,” she said. “I’ve been there, just like you. I’ve felt the pain and experienced the suffering. I’ve done things and seen things that aren’t even human. I have nightmares. I’m afraid. But I’m still willing to put that aside for you. I’m willing to try. This is about us. Not the nebulous idea of a family, not for some unreachable dream of being normal. I don’t even know what normal is. What I do know is that I would do anything for you. I would lay down my life. I would even walk away.”
“Then just do it,” he demanded, spinning toward her and planting his hands on his hips. “Get the hell out of my life.”
“I will,” she said, and nodded. She would do what he asked because there was no choice left to her. Funny, she hadn’t thought it would end like this.
She pressed her fingers to her chest as if she could stop the bleeding. Her breath caught in her throat. “Oh, Zach, I wish you’d been honest with me back then. It would have made it all easier.”
“I never lied to you.”
“Yeah, you did. You let me hope that there was a chance, that you were capable of caring about someone. You should have told me a fling was all you were good for. You should have told me not to waste my time.”
“Damn it,” he yelled, and stalked toward the woods. When he was about twenty feet from the porch, he turned back to her. “Do you think I want it to be like this? Do you really believe this makes me happy?”
“Yes,” she said quietly.
His shoulders slumped, and he rubbed his hand across his face. “What do you want from me?”
“I want it all. Don’t you see? I’m the last person who’s going to come looking for you. I’m the last one who is going to care if you live or die. We could build a life together. We could be happy. We could be like that old couple, celebrating our fiftieth anniversary together. You can choose to spend your life in the dark like an animal, or you can join me in the light. You can try. I’m going to make it, Zach. With or without you, I’m determined to find what I want. I’m going to get some balance. I’m going to learn not to be afraid to show my feminine side. I know there are risks, but aren’t they worth it? And wouldn’t it be easier if we did it together?”
It didn’t seem to matter how many times he knocked her down. She kept getting up. He didn’t know whether to applaud her efforts or have her committed. Zach shook his head slowly. That wasn’t true. In his heart, he admired the hell out of her. She had more courage, more conviction, more raw guts, than anyone he’d ever met.
He shouldn’t be surprised. From the first day she’d shown up at the academy, he’d known she was special. She’d been determined to do whatever it took to achieve her goal. She’d worked harder, longer and smarter than any recruit he’d met before or since. He wanted nothing more than to be worthy of her, but he knew he wasn’t. And if he tried to pretend, she would eventually find out the truth. This hurt for the moment, but in the end, it was the kindest act he could perform. One day she would understand that.
She might be willing to face the past, to look at the ugliness and move on, but he couldn’t.
She brushed her face with the back of her hand. He hated that he’d reduced her to tears. “Please, Zach,” she said, her eyes pleading. “If I’ve ever meant anything to you, if you’ve ever had a single hope that it could always be like this, then take a chance. I’ll be there. We’ll figure it out together.”
She made it sound so easy. A single step of faith. No big deal, right? Maybe for her, but not for him. He wasn’t like her. Couldn’t she see he was doing what was best for her? Didn’t she understand the sacrifice involved?
“Don’t make me do this,” she said. “Don’t make me leave you.”
“It’s best,” he told her. “What you want is still possible. Find that life you so admire. Be happy. Get a husband, have some kids, drive in a car pool. I don’t begrudge you that happiness, Jamie. You deserve it.”
“But I don’t want it without you.” Her tears flowed faster.
He felt as if his belly had been ripped open. He fought against the pain. Why did doing right feel so wrong? “You want it any way you can get it. I know. My chance to go back was over a long time ago. I didn’t take it. Sometimes I think I should have. I don’t know anything else but my job. It’s what I want to do.”
“No. It can’t be. Zach, no.”
“All the wishing in the world isn’t going to give me a second chance.”
She studied him for a long time. Her eyebrows drew together and she sniffed through her tears. Then she seemed to come to some decision. “Seven years ago, you made me choose. You were wrong to do that.”
She didn’t know how wrong. Next to this conversation, it had been the most difficult moment of his life. But he’d known then she would never be happy if she didn’t go out and experience all she’d worked for. He hadn’t had the right to ask her to stay with him, so he’d let her go. He’d suspected then she’d been his last chance and he’d been right. Now it was too late.
“We can’t change the past,” he said.
“I know. But we can change the future. You made decisions without consulting me. You put yourself in charge of my destiny because you thought you knew what was best for me. What if you were wrong?”
“I wasn’t.”
“Maybe then. But you’re wrong now.” She drew in a shaky breath. Her dark blond hair shimmered around her shoulders. This was how he wanted to remember her. Proud. Beautiful. Strong.
“We both paid a price for that moment,” she continued. “Now you have to choose. You can be the warrior or you can be the man.”
“You still don’t get it, Jamie. You’re stronger than me. You always have been. The kindest act is to let you go.”
“You’re wrong. The kindest act is to love me. That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You don’t love me. You never have.”
He wanted to speak the words. The lie. If he told her he didn’t love her, she would leave and never look back. But he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t deny the one truly perfect part of his life. Loving her. He’d always loved her.
She walked to the porch and picked up a package. “You’ll let me go, but you’ll let me go wondering what could have been between us. That’s cruel of you, Zach. I expected more. I deserved more.”
He wanted to defend himself. Didn’t she know how hard this was for him? He said nothing.
She held out the flat package. “This came for you. It’s from Winston. Probably your next assignment. Tell me something. Is Winston omnipotent, or did you call him from Denver?”
“I called him last night.”
“Good. I would hate to think he really does know everything.” She glanced at the package. “This is the world you want. A world without love. Without me. Take it.”