“My body does not please you. I can build you huts and kiss you all day long—and I would love to kiss you all day long—but it will not change the fact that I have two cocks. I will never be the mate you want me to be.” Skarr is somber, holding me loosely, as if he’s afraid that I’ll pull away again.
I realize that I’ve hurt him, and I feel even worse. How many times have I felt awkward in my own skin, being too tall and too plain? It’s a feeling I recognize, a memory I have, and I hate that I’m making him doubt himself over something out of his control. It just makes me feel worse.
I gaze at his chest, unable to make eye contact. If I do, I’ll never be able to spit out the words I clearly need to say. So I fuss with the leather strap that crosses over his pectorals and attaches to his belt. It keeps the leather wraps pinned to his body and prevents his belt from sagging on one side when his belt pouches are full. I know it’s a practical sort of garment, but I think it looks a tiny bit rakish and I like it. I fuss with it, straightening it and trying to think. “We should talk.”
“I thought that is what we are doing right now?”
Ugh, he’s not making this easy for me. “I was very drunk that night and I acted in ways that I would not normally act. I certainly would never grab a man’s crotch without asking permission.”
He’s silent.
I pluck at the strap, flustered. “So you can’t hold it against me that I ran away. I was startled to learn about the…differences in our bodies, but that doesn’t make it gross. There’s nothing wrong with you. I was just surprised.”
“But it still does not appeal to you?”
“I have genuinely never given it much thought before now,” I admit, face hot. “Is it um, a normal situation for guys like you?”
“Ssethri males are born with two cocks, yes.”
“And do they both, ah, get hard at the same time?”
“They do for me, but only one carries seed.” His khui is humming louder under my hands, making me very aware of this conversation and the husky way Skarr tells me facts about his body. “The other just experiences pleasure.”
I have so many questions, but I don’t know how intrusive they would be. Do lady ssethri have two vaginas? Are his penises the same size? Does one feel better than the other? Get harder faster? It seems nosy to ask, but I don’t get the impression that Skarr minds. I think he likes me asking about his penis. Penises.
I manage a tiny smile and nudge the leather strap with my fingers again. “See, there you go. It’s normal for your people but not for mine, and that’s why I got startled. I didn’t run because I thought you were repulsive.”
“So you would have continued to kiss me?”
“Not if you didn’t want me to.”
“Would you kiss me now?” he asks, voice low and husky.
It sends heat curling through my system. “Only if you want me to.”
He gazes down at me, eyes bright. His fingers stroke along my jaw, lightly caressing. “I would like that.”
I nod, licking my lips nervously. Then I pull on that strap across his chest, tilting him toward me. I’m nervous, but not afraid. This is Skarr. He might be alien, but he’s made it clear that he worships me. It’s heady stuff.
His mouth descends towards mine, and I rise to meet him. Our lips brush ever so gently, and a bolt of pleasure flares through my body at that small touch. I kiss him, putting all of my sincerity into the touch of our lips. I want him to know how I feel. That I never meant to hurt him. That I’m terrified of what the future brings, but it’s not his fault. That kissing him has been one of the few pleasures this new world has brought me.
That I miss him when he’s gone, and it makes me feel strange to admit that.
Our mouths play against one another and he’s content to let me lead. My kisses are soft and gentle, giving promises and teases and only the barest graze of tongue. He groans against me and then I pull back, studying his expression.
“I know I’ve been wrapped up in my own head,” I confess to him, my mouth throbbing and soft. His is flushed a deeper green, and I want to kiss it again, but I also want him to reach for me. “But I promise I’m going to do better.”
He rubs his nose against mine, drinking in my scent. “My lovely, perfect Vivi…I do not know what that means. Do better than what?”
Oh. Heh. I smile wryly. “It’s a human saying. I’m going to try harder to figure this out between us.”
“What is there to figure out? I am your mate, you are mine.” His mouth brushes over mine in an almost-kiss, a teasing flirt of lips, and it sends a flutter straight to my thighs. “Resonance has decided, yes? We are together because we are the best ones for each other.”
“Yes but—”
Skarr pulls back, eyeing me. “What ‘but’?”
“I’m anxious,” I admit. I’m still clutching at his clothing, and I have to force myself to uncurl my fingers and let him go. “I’m scared of what the future means because I still feel as if I don’t have a past. Can we go slow? You and I?”
He strokes my cheek with his fingers, and I have to admit, I like the soft, careful touches. Like he can’t get enough of me and has to steal just a bit more. “What does it mean to go slow, Vivi? Tell me honestly because I do not wish for there to be more misunderstandings between us.”
“I want us to spend time together. I want us to get to know each other. Not just as mates but as friends, too. I want to take a bit of time before we…before we get pregnant.” It feels silly to state it that baldly, but I need him to understand exactly what I’m saying.
He tenses, a hint of a frown on his face. “So no kisses?”
“No, we can kiss. We can do other stuff too, but if I say I want to go slow, I mean…” I fumble around for the words, thinking. “Like if we’re touching and kissing and I tell you to stop, I want you to stop.”
He pulls back, his expression offended. “You think I would not stop? That I would ignore what you want?”
Oh, I’m really messing this up. “No, I don’t mean that, Skarr. I think you would. I know you would. I am just setting the expectation that I might say no at inconvenient times and I don’t want to feel pressured.”
Skarr gazes down at me with a look of vague displeasure.
“What is it? Tell me so we can talk about it.” His expression is making me anxious, like I’ve gone and borked things already.
“I am tempted to go find a human male and shake him. Are they all so terrible you must give me warning after warning?”
“Not at all,” I protest, scrambling. “But it used to be different amongst our people, and…actually you know what? I’m not going to defend men. I’m just being extra cautious. I would like for us to start with kisses and spending time together before we get to…you know.”
“Before we get to two cocks,” he agrees, grinning at me.
“Exactly.”
“Very well, I shall not go and push Jason into the sand.”
I smother a horrified giggle. “Please don’t.”
He grins at me, pleased at my laughter. “I should like to spend time with you this day, Vivi. Shall we pick out blankets for your new home? And I can bring food and we can eat in here.”
“Honestly? That sounds absolutely lovely.”
“But I would like to kiss you again before all of that.”
We’re being so polite, he and I. With another giggle, I nod. “I would like that, too—”
I can’t get out the words before he pulls me against him, his mouth on mine. This kiss isn’t timid like mine, either. It’s hungry and devouring, showing me all the pent-up hunger inside him and fanning the flames of mine. Skarr’s tongue teases against mine, stroking and caressing and leaving me weak in the knees. I’m aching and my demanding khui is humming when he pulls away and gives me one final, possessive kiss.