When she finds out what, Flank?"
Frank tightened his grip on the gun and leveled the weapon at William, who raised his arms higher and backed up. His back touched the bathroom door. If somebody came in now, they'd bump into him and Frank might squeeze off a shot in surprise. "Please put the gun down, Frank. Let's talk about this."
"We are talking," Frank said. He looked crazed and desperate. "You need to listen."
"Okay, I'm listening." Please, just put the gun down!
*You already told me everything 1 need to know. I'm fucked. My life is over, it's gone, it's fucked. They're going to find out everything, and I don't want to be around when that happens."
"What are they going to find out, Frank? Are they going to find out that you really were involved?"
Frank's face trembled; he looked on the verge of tears, as if he was trying to hold his emotions in. He struggled to compose himself, still pointing the gun at William. "I never wanted them to find out. You've got to believe me. I've kept it secret for so long… nobody knew. Not even you. Joan certainly never knew, and she never would have understood. She would have left me in a second if she'd found out. I knew I could never show her that side of myself… she never even indulged in light bondage with me. You know what I mean, William? The bitch never even consented to just a little light B&D, a little slap and tickle, a little role-playing. Know what she called it? She called it sick fantasies for sick perverts."
William didn't know what to say. He could only stand there silently, hands raised in surrender, hoping Frank would calm down.
"1 kept it to myself," Frank continued. "I… it hurt me to hear her say that, so…. I kept it to myself.. "
William licked his lips. "I'm listening, Frank. Go on… you can tell me everything."
Frank looked up at William again, his eyes wide, panicked. "Why should I tell you everything? You're just going to tell Joan that-"
"What's the harm in her knowing now?"
Frank's grip on the gun tightened. "If I shoot you now, nobody will know!"
'Ibat's not true, Frank. On the way over here, I talked to one of my investigators. He's the one who found out the information on you" William paused briefly, hoping this would get to him. It did; Frank's face paled."How else would you think I found out? Why else would I bring this subject up to you?"
"Oh… God.. " Frank moaned. His back was leaning against the tiled bathroom wall. He still had the gun pointed at William, but he was loosening his grip. "I'm… so… fucked…
"It doesn't have to be that way, Frank I can get you help. Please put down the gun!"
"You can't help me. They'll still find out and I'll be ruined. Everything I've worked at to keep that part of myself secret… it'll all come out and I'll be called a monster, only I never actually killed anybody! I just liked to watch! It'll be just as bad-"
As William's suspicions bore fruit, he tried to fight down his revulsion. "You liked to watch? Why? I don't understand, Frank, what led you to this. Why.. "
"I don't know," Frank moaned, tears pouring down his face. "I don't remember how it started, it just happened! I just… found myself attracted to it… found that the hardcore imagery turned me on sexually and… the more I got into the extreme hardcore scene, the more I liked it. It just… it just kind of grew from there."
William was regaining some of his confidence in controlling the situation. If he could keep Frank talking, keep talking to him in a smooth voice and get him to let down his guard, he would rush him. "Why Lisa, though? I can accept you had… that you were living this secret life as… as a voyeur of… of this stuff, but… why Lisa?"
Frank wouldn't answer at first. He kept the gun pointed at William, his features displaying the range of emotions that were battling to the surface. William could tell he was losing it. "I couldn't imagine what Joan's reaction was if she'd known I was into heavier stuff than just the light bondage, which she was so… so repulsed by. I kept it secret. I had to. I needed Joan, needed that security of a wife and a family and a job. I needed that… that respect that comes from doing well in business. But I also… needed to indulge every once in a while. I… I didn't like to… actively participate… but… I just liked to watch… and… and.."
"How long have you been into this, Frank?" William asked calmly.
Frank wasn't looking at William now, although he still kept the gun trained on him. A long time," Frank said, looking at the tiled wall in front of him. "I was fortunate enough to keep it hidden, to live that other life so nobody knew. It was like… any other thing. Some guys get turned on by normal pornography, others get turned on by fetish stuff… all that never did anything for me. What I liked was… very extreme hardcore S&M. At first it was okay that it was all an act, that… the people in the videos were all consenting adults. I could fantasize that the bottoms were being taken by force. But… after a while that wasn't enough. Can you believe I was actually asked to leave one of the bondage groups I was involved with?" He looked at William. "When they found out I wanted to watch a scene where the slave was really being taken by force, that she was an unwilling participant, I was told to leave and not come back. They looked at me like I was a freak. That's when I knew that… something was wrong."
"Why didn't you get help?"
Frank ignored the question. He was looking back at the wall in front of him, still holding the gun. "I did some more searching, was able to find out through one of my contacts about a more select group, and I got in. That… made me feel better. Knowing there were others like me, who just liked to watch… who were just as outwardly normal and were professional people on the outside in their everyday lives and contributed to society, even though it was a very small group of people. At least I knew I wasn't alone. I still contributed greatly to society, I rose up in management, I provided for my family, gave them everything they needed. But when I needed release, I knew I had an outlet. I was.. '. fortunate enough to gain the trust of this group. I was good at keeping my mouth shut, at just showing up at the gatherings and watching, paying any amount of money they asked for to watch and then go away. But then-"
"Why Lisa, Frank?"
Frank had slumped down into a sitting position on the bathroom floor, his back still against the wall. The arm that held the gun was less in control now, but William still didn't dare take a step forward to try to take it from hishands. He hoped to be able to talk Frank out of it. "The minute I saw her, I knew that she was the one."
William paused. "What do you mean?"
'When I saw her, I couldn't get her out of my mind. Every time I saw her, I… I imagined what it would be like being with her… doing to her what… what I saw in the few… snuff films I saw. I kept fantasizing over and over what it would be like to… torture her and see her suffer. Maybe that's how it works for… the people who are into this. I know that's how it was for me. I didn't pay to see some… some anonymous whore get snuffed and imagine I was the one doing it to her. I always pretended that it was somebody else and… in the last few years that somebody I visualized was Lisa."
William felt cold listening to this. To think that it wasn't malice or greed or some monetary reason that had driven Frank to arrange for Lisa's murder, but the simple desire to watch her suffer and die left William reeling.
"For a long time it was just something I could fantasize about," Frank said, panting. "I could fantasize about it and it was okay, but then… then when Brad got engaged to her and they started coming to the house more she… she became part of the family and they got married and then… then I… started becoming more… emotionally attached to her… more… I couldn't control the thoughts, they got stronger and… I didn't want her… didn't want to someday lose control and… and be alone with her one afternoon or something and lose control of myself and make an advance towards her. That would have been trouble and… Brad and Joan… they would have hated me forever. So I kept trying to suppress those feelings, but they wouldn't go away! They just wouldn't go away, no matter what I tried to do!"