Her depression affected her work performance, but she wasn't let go: George Brooks put her on light duties, and when she wasn't at work or therapy, she slept. Brad constantly worried that she would turn to self-abuse, and he monitored her medication and was hesitant to leave her alone. Gradually, when it became apparent that she wasn't a danger to herself, he began to allow himself brief sojourns out of the house to cope with his own problems and issues. During the spring of 1999, Lisa began to show strides in her therapy. It appeared that she was making great progress; she spoke less of her guilt, began entertaining thoughts of the future. There was something about the way Lisa carried herself, the look in her eyes, her demeanor, that told Brad she was getting past the worst of it. "I may never forgive myself, but I can try to move on, right?" she said one evening while they lay in bed talking about their individual therapies. Encouraged by this, Brad began pulling himself out of his own funk. They began doing the kind of things they used to do together shopping at Thangle Square and taking in movies (light comedies, mostly), followed by dinner. They even went out with friends one night.
And then, as suddenly as it had begun turning good, it nose-dived. One balmy June Saturday afternoon when Brad returned home from running errands, he entered their bedroom and found Lisa in bed, the two urns that contained Mandy and Alicia's ashes clutched to her bosom. An empty box of her sleeping pills was on the nightstand, along with a note, which Brad didn't read with any clarity until three days later. No matter what I do now to make it better, it will never be better. Even though I made a horrible mistake, and my actions were deplorable and I don't deserve forgiveness for them, the fact of the matter is I fought for them. 1 fought for us when we were pulled over in Ventura, and I fought for my life back at that cabin. / fought for Alicia and Mandy even after my own selfishness took over, and 1 fought for my life again in Nevada because after being dragged all that way I didn't want to go down without a fight. I wanted to hurt those who had hurt Mandy and Alicia. And I hurt them. I hurt them bad, and I'm glad they suffered before they died. But I can't live knowing the one who is the cause ofAlicia and Mandy 's deaths is allowed to live her life, be happy, possi. bly have children and see her babies grow That was denied Alicia and Mandy, and I know that I would be a miserable wife and mother and human being for the rest of my life if 1 continue on. Therefore, it is with great sadness that I leave. Know this, Brad-I love you, and I will always love you. Go forth and do what I will not be able to do. Live life. Enjoy life. And more importantly, appreciate the beauty in life. Do this for me. Don't beat yourself up because of what your father did. Your father was the monster-NOT you. He did this, NOT you. Don't let him drag you down. I only wish I could be strong enough to resist the urge to end it all, but I can't. I've tried to look at things from a different perspective the past few weeks, but I can't stop thinking about them and what I did. There is no other way for me. My path has led me to here, and / would rather chose this path than the one of life, which I know will be wrought with pain for the rest of my life. Maybe I deserve that, but I don't deserve the possibility that I can rise above my grief and misery and be happy once again. I don't deserve the possibility of happiness and all that can come with such happiness, such as our love and marriage, our getting pregnant again and having children. I don't deserve it, and I know this and accept it. Please understand Brad. And please remember that I will always love you. Love, Lisa.
He still had that suicide note, and he read it again as he sat at the grave site, the paper it was written on now lined and creased from constant handling. Brad folded the paper again and wiped the tears from his face. "I understand now," he said, as he held the note in his hands. "I understand.*
He paused for a moment, eyes dosed. The late afternoon sun was warm, and the breeze that blew in from the ocean was tinged with salt spray. Brad sighed, feeling in touch with himself again. Ready to go on. "You know, the past year I've never felt better," he said. "I mean, I'll always miss you, and Elizabeth knows that you'll always remain special in my heart. In fact, it was her idea for me to come out here and tell you this, so… well, I better get to telling you."
He paused; he had been rehearsing what he wanted to say all day, and now that he was here he felt awkward. In a way, he felt the same as he did in the months after meeting Elizabeth on a stop in New Mexico and falling in love with her. He felt a slight edge of betrayal that he was stepping out behind Lisa's back. But he also felt that Lisa was smiling down on him, was telling him ft's all right, Brad. She's wonderful, and you deserve her. Be good to her. Be good to each other. And hearing her voice whisper those words in his mind brought a smile to Brad's face. The two years he had taken off of work after Lisa's death had been dark years, and many times he wondered why he even bothered to continue living. But it was his travels, meeting new people, keeping in touch with Billy and his mom, and Danielle Kwong and George Brooks and the rest of their friends, that had kept Brad going. In their own way, they had helped Brad find beauty and wonder in life again, and when he and Elizabeth Robles fell in love two months after meeting at a dinner party given by an old college friend, Brad finally felt he could end his solitary rambles and try to appreciate life again.
That had made it easier to uproot from California to New Mexico. Orange County held too many memories of Lisa, and the trips he made back to visit his mother and Billy became less painful as the months flew by. When he and Elizabeth wed in September of 2002, their wedding was held in the foothills that surrounded Santa Fe, the city he now called home.
"You know, I understand now why you did what you did," he said, fingering the note. "Checking out, I mean. It's taken me the past five years to come to peace with that, and I suppose that if I'd been put in the same situation I would've done the same thing. I would've checked out too.
"Because life's worth living. You don't forfeit others' lives for your own. You fight for life. For your own, for others. You made a horrible mistake, and you regretted it and…" The tears came again. "I still wish there were some way you could take it back, but you can't. You can't take it back, and I can't take it back, and life has to go on, you know? So I'm going on and it's been hard. But as you know.. " He sighed. 'The past year or so has been great, considering all that's happened. I've gone on with my life. I have a new life, a new home. I'm working for a small firm in Santa Fe now, and Elizabeth is a journalist for the local paper. We do pretty well, you know?"
He took a deep breath, looked down at Lisa's suicide note, then at her grave. "Elizabeth's pregnant " he said, sobbing as he spoke those words. He was sobbing out of a mixture of pride and regret that it wasn't Lisa who was going to bear his child. "We're already past our first trimester, the hardest part. When we found out, I was so scared. I mean, I couldn't believe that it could happen, and it did, and I didn't want anything bad to happen, you know? So we kept quiet about it and hoped and prayed everything would be all right, and we're past the first hurdle. The last two ultrasounds we've heard a nice strong heartbeat." Tears blurred his vision. "We're gonna be okay."