He held her wrists captive in front of her as he stared into her eyes. “You asked me why, Ren. I’ll tell you why. Because when you met him again, I saw something in you. I saw a spark of something that made me uneasy. Seeing that also made me realize several things. Mainly that I loved you and the thought of losing you made me crazy.”
Her mouth popped open but he released one of her wrists and put his finger across her lips. “Let me finish.”
She nodded and he let his hand fall away.
“I had to come to terms very quickly with the fact that you weren’t like other women I’d been with. What I felt for you wasn’t just sexual or me fulfilling a kink. And it befuddled me. I’ve made a practice of not getting emotionally entangled with women. But you snuck up on me. I can’t even tell you the point in which my feelings for you changed. Just that they did. With any other woman but you I would have sent you to Cole and been happy to do so. I wouldn’t have felt like my guts had been ripped out and I wouldn’t have counted the days until I could return for you. I would have moved on as you accused me of doing.”
“I still don’t understand,” she said tearfully.
“I wanted you to be happy, Ren,” he said quietly. “If Cole was the person who was going to make you happy, then I wanted you to have your chance with him. Did I want you to go? Hell no. But I thought you should go so that maybe when you returned to me—if you returned to me—you could let go of the past and embrace your future …with me.”
She swallowed and stared at him in wonder, trying to digest everything he’d just admitted. Her heart was bursting but she wasn’t sure if she was happy or devastated. How could she be sure when she hurt so much?
He moved onto the couch beside her and pulled her into his lap. For a long moment he held her tightly against his chest and caressed her arm.
“I was wrong, Ren. I’m sorry. I never wanted you to be hurt. I should have known this would put you in an untenable position. I wasn’t thinking that way. Maybe I thought it would be an easy choice. Your past or your present. I’m a black-and-white kind of person, but you aren’t and I should have seen this coming. I swear I only wanted to try to be unselfish and to give you the happiness you deserve.”
Lucas didn’t often admit he was wrong. It wasn’t that he was too arrogant to ever think or admit he was wrong. He simply wasn’t often wrong.
“I don’t know what to do, Lucas,” she whispered.
He went still against her and then in a low voice he said, “If you want to go back to him, I’ll drive you over.”
Tears stung her eyes. Eyes that were already red and swollen and that she hadn’t imagined had any more tears to shed.
“It’s not that easy. It’ll never be that easy.”
“Why? Talk to me, Ren. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
She pushed herself up so she could look into his eyes. She owed him that much at least.
“I love him.”
The dullness in his eyes hurt her more than she could have ever imagined. Lucas wasn’t one who often showed emotion. Ren could never remember him appearing vulnerable. He was strong, disciplined and he was always in control.
She palmed his face, unable to bear the pain in his expression or the bleakness that had entered his gaze.
“I love you too, Lucas. I was so miserable with Cole.”
Lucas frowned. “But—”
“It’s so twisted. I was miserable because I realized after you left that I loved you. Everything else was already there. Trust. Respect. Friendship. Desire. I was distraught because I’d convinced myself you had dumped me on Cole and I’d never see you again. But at the same time, being with Cole made me incredibly happy. Satisfied. I realized that I loved him too. That I’ve never stopped loving him.”
Lucas’s expression softened. There was relief mixed with sadness. He stroked her cheek even as she held his face in her hands.
“Have you ever been torn between two impossibilities and knew in your heart that no matter which way you went or which path you chose that you were doomed to unhappiness?”
“Oh God, Ren. I never meant for you to feel this way.”
He leaned his forehead to press against hers. He cupped her face and kissed her, wiped away her tears with his thumbs.
“I’m so sorry, baby. We’ll find a way. I promise.”
She stared at him, grief overtaking her until the words nearly choked her. “He said that too. He told me that we’d find a way. That he wouldn’t let me go. And yet at the first opportunity, he walked away. Again.”
Lucas enfolded her in his arms and rocked back and forth as she buried her face in his neck.
“I’ll make it right,” he whispered. “Somehow I’ll make this all right for you.”
She clung to him but blocked out the promise. She didn’t want any more promises. She only wanted truth. The hard, ugly truth.
“I love you, Lucas. I do. I want you to believe that. I don’t want to be without you no matter how it may sound. I’m hurting right now, but I’ll survive. I survived before. Just please be patient with me. Don’t be angry because I can’t give you one hundred percent of me just yet. I’ll get there. I swear it.”
She made the vow because she was determined that it would be so. Cole had walked away from her once before and she’d been devastated then. Now? She was destroyed. It hurt worse the second time. But she refused to allow it to dictate the course of the rest of her life.
Lucas was the best of men. She loved him and he loved her. In time she’d be able to embrace her future with him. But first she had to lay her past to rest.
CHAPTER 35
“On your knees.”
Ren slid to her knees and focused her attention on Lucas, waiting for his next command.
He stared down at her, his gaze probing and assessing. He was more patient of late. Almost as if he weighed every single command or perhaps he was afraid he was being too hard on her. Ren wasn’t sure, but she knew she needed this. In her very unstable world, she needed the constant that was Lucas. She needed him hard and firm. Unyielding. Because if he wasn’t, then her world really would crumble.
She wanted to tell him that she wouldn’t fall apart. That she needed his dominance and routine now more than ever. But she refused to sound that weak and needy. Besides, he knew. He could see right into the heart of her, which was why he was treating her with kids’ gloves.
She sighed unhappily and forced herself to await what came next.
“Choose tonight’s instrument,” he said, and took her back so many nights ago to one similar as this. The same evening they’d eaten out in a restaurant and the course of her future had forever been altered, though she hadn’t known it at the time. It was the night Cole had seen her.
She licked her lips, suddenly indecisive. She would have loved to have said a belt, but the bite of leather reminded her too much of Cole. He’d liked the belt and had used it often. He’d never, ever touched her with a whip. She wondered if he’d even ever laid hands on one after all those years ago.
Even asking for wood brought back the memory of being on board the yacht when Cole had used the wooden oar. A shiver stole over her as what had followed came back to her with startling clarity.
“Your hand,” she finally said.
“Was it such a hard decision?” he asked mildly.
If he only knew. But she shook her head and said instead, “I was weighing my options. I prefer your hand.”
“Perhaps later you’ll tell me why,” he murmured. “Very well. Rise to your knees and come with me to the chair.”