I took it from her hands, and cradled it on my lap. I knew inside I would hear from Bobby again, but I wasn't ready to do it here. I wanted to be where I would be closest to him. At my favorite place in the world.
The lake house had never felt so quiet before. Even when it was just Bobby and me, there was laughter or shouting or splashing or tools clanking. But all I heard when we stepped out of Will's car was the soft swooshing of trees. Not a bird. Not a grasshopper. There was an unprecedented stillness around us. And I knew it was Bobby showing me he was still here.
I handed the keys for the main house to Sasha. “I think I'd like to go down to the dock alone for a bit.”
“Sure, honey,” she said, running her hand over my hair.
She voiced something inaudible to Will before they looked back at me, smiled, and gave me my time alone with Bobby.
I stood at the edge of the dock, at the spot we jumped from on that night when we had finally confessed how we felt. I closed my eyes as a strong wind came through as a flock of birds all launched from the lake at once. I smiled. It was a strange reaction, but for a fleeting moment, I felt the good times. They still lived here. They still lived in me.
I slid off my shoes, placed the box on the ground, and sat on the dock's edge, dipping my toes in the cold water. The weather was perfect, the heat had finally broken to a pleasant warmth.
I pulled the brown paper wrapping off the box. Affixed to the top was a notecard. I scraped the last bit of strength I had from the bottom of its well, and pried the note open.
Lil,
I don't know when you'll see this. I hope that you never have to or that it's when your hair is grey and you're watching your grandchildren laughing and running around, but if it's sooner than that, I am so sorry.
I don't think I am supposed to be here very long. Sometimes I think I was given a little extra time to make things right with you. I think—I hope—I've done that. You not coming along affirms my hunch. Like my mission might be complete. I hope you understand that any mistakes I made were because I was trying to do the right thing. And I know I hurt you, but I tried to do the things I thought would give you the best life.
I'm just a few hours from heading out west, and I hoped it would be with you, but we can't have everything we want.
I want you to understand that I'm not angry at you for staying. My only hope in coming back was to let you know that you were the love of my life and that no one else could ever take your place. That I left precisely because of that. Everything else that happened upon my return was just a bonus. So the times we did spend together have been the most incredible moments of my life.
I've been all over the world, met so many people, seen so many things. And yet, I understand why the lake was your favorite place on earth. I laughed you off when you told me that the night before your wedding. But I was just a nineteen-year-old trying to sound worldly when I didn't know anything yet. The truth was it was already my favorite place because it was where I got to spend the most time with you.
Anyway, the contents of this box were something I held onto. I mailed these to a PO box thinking one day I might give them to you. But then, when I saw you, I didn't want to wrap us up in the past. Seeing you only made me think of possibility. Of a future I didn't even allow myself to consider. That maybe I was given the chance of an entire lifetime with you when I got a second chance up on that hill.
But I think you should have these. You should know what you meant to me all those years we missed in between then and now. And the other stuff, it's just my way of taking care of you even if I'm not around any longer. I just want to make sure you have all the things you need to be free if you so choose. And if this finds you later in life and you don't need it, please pass it to someone else who you think will. I trust you'll put it in good hands.
I might be gone, but I'll never leave. Ever. You have a piece of me. You always have. Since before I could understand what that meant.
I hope your life is filled with joy and wonder. And I hope we'll find a way back to each other as we did once before.
- Bobby
I took a while to get to the box. I just sat there for a while, holding his final note to me close to my heart, and then I slid it down to my tummy, so our baby could be close to her father. So she could feel his love, and what an incredible person he was. I ran my fingers along the letter, touching something he touched. I only wished his fingers were on the other end instead of paper and ink.
I placed the letter to my side and opened the box. At the top was a stack of envelopes bound together, bent and foxed from wear. I pulled on the twine and flipped through them. I pressed them to my lips and nose, taking in the scent of the old paper. Trying to find a way hug Bobby's words. I had assumed he tossed them or lost them when he was taken. When he first told me about them, I was too bitter to ask.
I choked on tears of melancholic joy. Bobby was dead, but there was still part of him left to discover. I once thought I would have a lifetime to study him, to learn something new every day, even after all the years we had known each other, but I lost that. At least this was better than what I thought I was left with.
I hesitated to open the first one. There was something precious about the way they were still sealed. But they were sealed for this purpose. So that they would be safe until they reached me when I needed them the most.
I devoured the letters. Crying. Laughing. Snorting. Snickering. Swooning.
. . . I've only been here a few days, but I met this guy named Curtis. He talks A LOT. But he's really funny. The kind of guy that makes you want to laugh when you're not supposed to. Almost got me in trouble with the SGT when I had to hold in a laugh. What a clown . . .
. . . We're getting sent to South Korea tomorrow. I'm going to be honest with you and tell you I'm nervous. I know that's not what I'm supposed to say. But I keep thinking, what if I don't come back home and I never see you again? I should have stopped by. I should have said goodbye. But I didn't want to be a disruption . . .
. . . Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I wonder what you're doing. If you're thinking about me. If what happened between us is just a silly thing that you've gotten over. Because I haven't, Lil. I thought running off would make me forget how it felt. But all it does is make me miss you more . . .
. . . This is a little bit embarrassing. Remember Curtis? He and I have gotten really close. You'd love him. He has a girl, and well, I told him I did too. You, Lil. I know it's silly, but I tell myself that I have you waiting for me at home. Maybe I do, not in the way that I'd like, but in a way I can accept. I want to see you again, so bad . . .
. . . I saw something awful today. No, awful's not the right word. This kid, Jimmy, from Kansas. He was kind of quiet, but really nice. And right next to me, just feet away, there was an explosion and he was in pieces. Pieces all over me. And when I looked, he was still alive. But he was blown in half. And I held his hand until the life left his eyes. There are times when I want to give up. It's so cold, and I'm so tired. And there's so much noise. It's so loud. And when I get a moment of quiet, I think about your laugh. I think about you. About that night. How I thought I would never know what it would feel like to feel your lips on mine, to run my hands over your soft body. And yet, there you were, like a wish fulfilled. I know it's wrong, because you're with Rory, but I need those memories. They are the only things that keep me going. Do you think about me? Do you relive that night over and over like an obsession? I want to tell myself that it's not just me romanticizing it because I'm trapped in this hell. But you said you loved me. So I have to believe that you still go back to that night in your dreams like I did . . .