“It's fine,” I said. “I'll talk to him.”
They both looked up.
“Lilly,” Rory gasped softly.
Julia rolled her eyes. “Fine. But you are not supposed to be stressed. If there is any shouting, I'll call the police, Rory. That's the last thing you need with your legal troubles.”
“Yeah . . . thanks,” he uttered sarcastically.
Julia gave me a look, to let me know she would be there if I needed, and went outside.
Rory ran up the stairs to meet me.
“I don't know what to say,” he said.
“Well, you came all the way here. I would hope you did. Otherwise, I have nothing to say to you.”
His chest sank as despair rose to the surface. “Lilly, I'm dying. You think I wouldn't have stood in front of those bullets for him?” His eyes glossed with tears.
“Whatever you would have done, he took the bullets for you. If you had just turned yourself in—” I tried not to let myself get caught up in the anger. I didn't want our baby growing in that environment. “I don't have to tell you. You know.”
“I miss him, Lilly. I don't even care. If it meant not having you, I still would want him back. I would do anything to bring him back.”
“Well, we can't always have what we want,” I replied coldly.
He sucked back tears and looked down at my stomach. “The baby?”
“It's not yours.”
“How are you sure?”
“How do you think, Rory?”
He looked down in a mix of shame and resignation. I could see his mind race as he paced away. “Let's stay together. I'll raise him. He's a Lightly and he should stay in the family.”
“Do you think after everything that happened, I would ever let you get near this child? I don't love you, Rory. I don't want to be with you.”
“Then why? Why did you marry me?” he asked.
“I don't even know anymore,” I sighed. “We thought we were doing the right thing. And yet,” I shrugged my shoulders, raising my hands to indicate the devastation all around me.
“I'm not ready to let you go. We both made mistakes.”
“Don't equate us. And it doesn't matter if you are ready or not. I've let you go.”
“You're all I have left,” he barely uttered.
Did my heart sting at those words? Of course. Did I pity Rory? Well, I was only human. I hated that I could see Bobby in some of Rory's mannerisms. He didn't deserve to resemble Bobby. He didn't deserve to still be here. I would always resent Rory. I wasn't a big enough person to forgive him. I understood why he did the things he did, but I could never forgive them. Not after he caused me to lose so much. Not after his actions took away the father of my unborn child.
“We're done here,” I said.
“You can't keep that baby from me,” he said, reminding us both of the true Rory. If he couldn't solve things with kindness, his next step was aggression.
“I will. Because this baby is not yours. It's Bobby's.” I could have stopped there. But I wanted to make him hurt. It wasn't big of me. It wasn't right. Bobby probably would have been upset with me. But I still felt Rory hadn't suffered enough for what he caused. “You can't make children. I promise you that. You and I didn't have sex for a month because when Bobby came back, I couldn't even stand to think of you touching me. When he came back, and you went away . . . we made love, we had sex . . . we fucked,” I glowered, “so much that I was sore. Because I couldn't get enough of him. Because I always loved him. And I was sick of doing you the favor of being your wife. Being your accessory. Bobby never would have done that to me. We made a mistake, you and me. We should have never married. Bobby did in three weeks what you couldn't do in seven years. I don't know how else to explain it.”
As I said those words, staring right into Rory's eyes, I watched them redden and spill over with tears. I watched his lips form a tight line, a mixture of rage and sadness. He began to shake, and when I was done, I watched his hand quiver as he used all of his strength not to slap me.
I didn't flinch.
Rory took a deep breath and the shaking subsided. “And I'd still bring him back if I could,” he muttered.
“I know,” I replied.
Rory looked down at the floor, shook his head and turned around. He left without saying a word.
The next eight months went by quickly. It took some work, but my lawyer was able to get Bobby's truck out of the impound lot. Once I had it, I would visit his grave once a week. It didn't matter if it rained or if it snowed. It didn't matter if Will and Sasha or Julia told me I should rest instead. Every time I visited, I would talk to him. Give him progress updates on how the baby and I were doing. Sometimes I would just rattle on about silly things, the way you might catch up with someone over drinks.
I never talked to him about Stan or Rory.
Sometimes I would cry. Sometimes I would lie on the grass and hold my belly, imagining he was alive on the grass beside me, and not buried underneath.
I missed him.
And it was different than the first time he left. Then, I didn't have hope. Then, there was no body. Then, I used resentment as a shield.
But before I really lost Bobby, I allowed myself to believe we could have everything we dreamed of. I opened myself up fearlessly to him. It made our time together the best times of my life, but it also made losing him a pain harder than I thought I could bear. It was only the promise of this new life growing in me that helped me get through each day.
Summer Lightly was born on a chilly spring afternoon. I named her after the season I always looked forward to, because it was when I was able to spend the most time with her father. The season of midnight swims in the lake. Of cool popsicles on your tongue as sweat beaded down your forehead. Of boat rides and hitching a ride on Bobby's bike to get to the general store. Of cook outs, and fingers sticky with BBQ sauce. Of lying soaking wet, on the hot dock, and letting the sun bake us dry.
I didn't expect for her arrival to fill the hole in my heart. No one could ever fill it completely. But she made it less gaping, less cavernous. She gave me a reason to not just survive, but to live.
So after twelve months of Summer being on this earth, I knew I was ready to move on. Being close to Bobby gave me the strength to carry her. Reading his letters late at night allowed me to hear his whispers. But I made a two promises to Bobby. I called Will. And now I had to leave.
It was not something women did often then. Even now they don't.
Will and Sasha weren't thrilled when I told them my plans, though they understood it was Bobby's wish. My sister even less so. The world was dangerous. People were out there to prey on us. It was safe here. I should stay in one place.
But this was between Summer, Bobby and me. Bobby returned to me through our daughter, and I was going to keep his curious spirit alive through her. I was going to make sure our lives were filled with joy and wonder, one of his final wishes.
While I carried Summer, I felt close to Bobby by staying. But I knew that now I could only stay close to his presence by moving around. By watching the waves crash into the bluffs on the Pacific. By driving through the winding roads of the Northwest. By navigating my way in a world were the only language I shared with the locals were smiles and kindness.
So when I knew it was time, I filled up Bobby's truck with our most important possessions.
“Are you sure about this?” Sasha asked protectively.
“Leave her alone,” Will butted in. “We can't keep her here forever. Bobby will keep her safe,” he said, putting his arm around her shoulder. Summer had the best godparents. “But you better check in.” He pointed at me.
“Promise,” I smiled.
“Are you scared?” Sasha asked.
I thought about it for a moment and grinned. “Nope,” I answered. I was done being scared. Playing it safe. I had seen how dangerous that could be.