“Bobby said he would help you plan everything in my stead. I know it's a bit short notice.”
“Oh, well . . . I’m sure I can handle it, but thanks for the offer.”
Rory scoffed. “You are so mean, Lil.” It was almost playful.
“I am?”
“You're going to exclude Bobby?”
“Hey man, whatever she wants to do. I'm just here to help,” Bobby chimed, eating from his plate on the counter as if to offer us the illusion of privacy at the table.
“You know, you guys aren't in middle school any longer. You're allowed to be nice to each other.”
“I'm nice!” Bobby called out.
“I'm nice too!” I insisted. I looked at Rory, then Bobby and sighed. “I promise if I need help, I'll ask. I just like planning things my way, you know that.”
“Alright, I gotta head out,” Rory said, glancing at his watch.
“I should too. I need to go to the pharmacy in town,” I added.
“Oh, I'm heading into town too. Let me give you a ride,” Bobby offered.
Be nice. The words lingered. If I rejected his offer, I'd get called out again.
“Yeah, sure, I just need to grab my things. Have a safe trip,” I said to Rory.
“Thanks hon.” He kissed me on the lips and I received the kiss, but didn't want to make a show of it in front of his brother.
The ride to town was brief and quiet, but the tension between us was blaring. It always had been in the past. Except we used to release it with play fighting, teasing, and verbal jabs. Now that we knew, we couldn't release the pressure like we used to, the secret was out. Innocence was lost.
We agreed to meet back at the truck in a half hour. I picked up some things from the grocery and went to the pharmacy to refill my prescription. It had been the longest I had gone without my meds and I figured that's why it was so hard to stop the tornado of emotions running through me. On the outside, I relayed calm, but inside, I felt like I had been mangled. Ever since the night I spoke with Bobby, I nursed a silent raw pain. Learning all those years he had wrote me was earth shattering. And I didn't know what was worse. Thinking he hadn't, or knowing he had.
One of the bag boys helped me walk the groceries to the beat-up blue pickup that Bobby drove. As we closed in on it, Bobby spotted us and crossed the street.
“I've got it from here,” he scooped the two bags from the boy’s arms and walked by my side. I placed my purse in the driver's side seat when I heard: “Shit.”
I looked over in the middle of the street and one of the bags had ripped, spilling its contents. I couldn't help but laugh as I scooted over to help.
“I'm glad this is so amusing to you,” Bobby replied dryly, scooping his finger into the partially opened box of a now mangled cake and swiping frosting on my nose.
My jaw dropped in disbelief. “You ass!” I exclaimed, one-upping him by taking a dollop and smearing it across his mouth.
“Mmmm, delish.” He licked his lips teasingly. Bobby's eyes searched the ground for another food item for retaliation when a honk got our attention.
A small line of traffic had backed up waiting for us.
“You lucked out.” He jabbed his finger at me.
“Looks like no cake for you,” I teased before running back towards the truck.
We managed to save almost everything except for the cake and a rogue apple and decided to cut our losses. As I opened the door to enter the passenger side, Bobby was already in and bent over.
“Your purse upended and spilled everywhere,” he said as he retrieved its contents. “You're a mess.”
I looked around me at the used-up truck. “I'm the mess?”
“If you are implying that this baby is a mess, then you wouldn't know quality if it smacked you in the face.”
“Let me get the rest,” I insisted, kneeling to the floor of the pick up.
“What's this?” Bobby asked, quizzically spinning my new bottle of pills.
“Give me that.” I snatched at it, but like a ninja, he yanked it just out of my grasp.
“Lil, you're taking this shit?”
“My doctor prescribed it to me,” I huffed defensively. “And it's none of your business.”
“I've been reading about this. The docs have been just handing these out like candy.”
“Don't—” I snatched the bottle out of his hand this time, but he didn't resist.
I hopped into the seat and slammed the door. He pulled out of his spot, the playful mood usurped by one of his fits of brooding silence. Once we were out of the main street, he couldn't help himself. I’ll admit, it was almost a relief compared to the raucous quiet of his thoughts.
“Lil, promise me you won't take that shit.”
“What do you care?”
“Lots.”
“You can't just come back and start demanding changes.”
“Goddammit Lil,” Bobby yelled, gripping the steering wheel. “Don't you understand? That shit numbs you. It makes the pain go away. You are supposed to feel pain. You are supposed to be uncomfortable. That's your soul telling you something.”
I shook my head. I couldn't do what my soul was telling me, so I had to find another way to cope.
“Now I get it. It's so glaringly apparent.” He shook his head as if he was blind to something that was in his face the entire time.
“Oh do you?” I scoffed sarcastically. “Do tell, Bobby.”
“I remember all the things you wanted to do. And this place, all these things, they're your prison. And you feel it. And you're trying to ignore it.”
“What do you want me to do?” I yelled in frustration. “Pack my bags and go to India? Life's not that easy. We're not all you. We don't all just walk away from our responsibilities.” I immediately regretted those last words, recalling the scar on his shoulder. There were some responsibilities Bobby faced when others would have run.
That was one of the things that hurt the most about Bobby leaving. He had options despite being drafted. He took a break from school, but could have gone back to college and applied for a deferment. His parents didn’t want him to go, and in a worse-case scenario, they had connections, and could have found a way to keep him home. But when Bobby left, Rory told me their parents said that Bobby didn’t even try. He got the notice and didn’t hesitate to step up. Maybe it was self-centered, but I felt like it was a silent message to me. That Bobby wanted to escape to the other side of the world, to be surrounded by the explosions of bombs and bullets, over ever seeing me again. I was so enraged that he didn’t try harder to run away from the conscription when he had the chance.
“It's not about what I want you to do, Lil. What do you want?”
What I wanted was no longer relevant. It was too late for what I wanted.
“You keep taking that shit and one day you are going to wake up and realize you slept your whole life away. There may be people who need that, but you are not one of them. Let yourself feel it all. The good. The bad. The fucking great. Don't imprison yourself.”
I knew he was right, but I had grown comfortable in the numbness. Yet there was something luxurious about the pain I felt upon Bobby's return. It was rich and textured. I could feel it in my bones and my chest and on my skin. I could taste it. I could feel again. And feeling the pain also gave me room to feel alive.
“If you keep doing this, how are you any different than Rory? We want to get him better right? Well, the changes start with us. I'm back and trust me, that wasn't easy for me. And now you've gotta bring yourself back.”
I swallowed sharply, preparing myself to say goodbye to my dear friend. A friend who had always been there. More than my sister, or mother, or Barbie could be. It understood my fears, my insecurities, the things I had sacrificed. It knew my secrets. I never had to explain myself to it. It never judged.