I try calling out his name, but he has his earphones in and can’t hear me. I’m less than a block away. I concentrate on him and nearly run over a group of tourists trying to take a picture.
“ETHAN!” I scream, although I know he can’t hear me.
I’m only a few feet away from him and I reach my hand out to tap him. He stops dead in his tracks and I run right into him.
Before I know what hits me, I find myself lying on the sidewalk. Ethan’s eyes are wide as he takes out his headphones. “Are you okay?”
He reaches down and helps me up.
“What’s goin’ on over here?” A police offer approaches us. “Did you not see the traffic light?”
I brush the dirt off my pants. “Sorry, officer. I was trying to catch up to my friend.” I’m trying to catch my breath; all the cold air is burning my lungs.
“You could’ve gotten hit by a car.” He shakes his head and goes back to directing traffic.
The light changes, and Ethan and I cross the street.
He finally speaks. “What was that all about?”
“Sorry, I was trying to catch up to you. I didn’t see that you were at a crosswalk.”
“No, I mean, why are you here?”
I stop walking. “Ethan, I got into Juilliard.”
His face lights up. “Emme, congratulations!” It’s the first smile I’ve seen from him in weeks. He gives me one of his Ethan hugs. I thought I missed him, but being here with him, in his arms, makes the reality of what I lost much more traumatic.
“But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I mean, it is. But …” I try to compose myself. I didn’t really have a plan but to find him. “When I saw the e-mail, you were the first person I thought of. It’s like nothing happens to me unless you know about it. And it’s like these last two weeks didn’t exist because you weren’t a part of them. My biggest fear this entire time was losing you, but all I was doing was pushing you away. I don’t want you to be away. I want you to be here. I need you, and not because of the band or because you help me, but because I love you. And as much as I was trying to pretend that it was just in a friendly way, it wasn’t.
“You being with Kelsey made me not ever have to come to terms with my feelings for you. And the reason I got so mad at you for cheating was because I always felt like you were cheating on me as well. And when you two finally broke up, it frightened me. Because then I was going to have to figure out how I really felt. When I think back to the alumni night, the memory that sticks in my head isn’t being onstage, it is afterward when you kissed me. And then when you apologized I thought you saw me like those girls who throw themselves at you during our shows. But I never regretted that kiss. The only thing I regret is that I didn’t have the courage to take a chance on us.”
Ethan entwines his hand in mine. “Let’s walk.”
“Oh.” I’m surprised and a little disappointed that’s all he has to say to me.
“We need to stop having these conversations in front of people.” He gestures toward the group of people drinking coffee outside. “Plus, it would be nice to not have an audience when I kiss you again.”
The shortness of breath I have is no longer from running.
“So I’m going to need you to excuse me because it is going to be very hard for me to contain myself for the next three blocks.”
Ethan doesn’t say anything, but picks up his pace as we walk into his apartment building. We stand only inches apart in the elevator and I find myself utterly aware of his presence.
He stays silent until we get to his room. He turns around and studies me. I’ve seen that look one other time from him and it was before he kissed me.
“Wait!” It takes me a second to realize that came from me. “I’m sorry, I just I need you to know something….”
He sits down on his bed. “I need to tell you something first.”
A numbness falls over me. Did I just ruin the moment? Last time he said that to me, he made a wonderful confession. I’m not so sure this time.
“I didn’t get into Juilliard.”
I collapse on his bed. “What?”
“It’s okay, really it is.” He rubs my back. Why is he comforting me?
“When did you find out?”
“Yesterday. I didn’t want to say anything until you knew about your application. I don’t want this to change how you feel. It’s unbelievably incredible, Emme. You should be really proud of yourself.”
Ethan didn’t get in, but I did? Out of all the confusing things to have happened this year, this is the one thing that makes the least sense.
“I’m going to the Manhattan School of Music.”
“What about Berklee?”
“I don’t want to leave New York. There are too many things that are changing as is. I don’t want to move to another city on top of it all. And, to be honest, you getting into Juilliard confirms I made the right decision. My parents wrote out the deposit check last night.” He looks at me hopefully.
“Oh.” I move closer to him.
Ethan moves his hand so it’s around my waist and he rests his chin on my shoulder.
“We did it.” My quivering voice betrays the calm façade I’m trying to maintain being so close to him.
“Yes, we did. I’m so proud of you, Emme. I truly am.”
I rest my head against his and we sit there quietly for a few minutes. I try to comprehend everything that has changed in the last hour or so. I know my fate: I’m going to Juilliard. And Ethan will be in Manhattan.
“So what did you want to tell me?” he finally asks. “Please don’t say you’re taking back what you said to me outside. Because those words will never leave my mind.”
I pull away so I can look into his eyes. “No, I don’t take those back. I’m really sorry about the past few weeks. I was just overwhelmed.”
“There was a lot going on.”
He’s always been understanding, but I know I’m not being clear. Oddly enough, my stress had nothing to do with school coming to an end.
“No, I’ve been overwhelmed by you. You overwhelm me … in the best possible sense. You once told me that you wish I could see myself through your eyes, but I can. Because I’ve always seen how you look at me. I didn’t know it was possible to be loved in the way you love me. I’ve always kind of thought that kind of love was the stuff of movies and cheesy ballads. I didn’t think it existed and I’ll admit, it frightened me. What if I couldn’t live up to your image of me? What if once you got me, I wouldn’t be enough? But I’m not fighting it. I want to be with you.”
Ethan smiles and pulls me closer. “So does this mean I get to take you on a proper date?”
I giggle nervously. We know each other so well and have gone out to eat so many times, I wonder how differently things will feel on an “official” date?
“Hmm, I guess you can take me to dinner to celebrate.”
“That I can do.”
I lean in. “And maybe write a song about how you saw your way to forgive a silly girl.”
“That I won’t do.”
I don’t even have time to be disappointed by his reaction. He cups his hand around my face. “Because you’ve done nothing wrong. And you’re here now. That’s all that matters.”
We kiss. And at no point does either of us pull away or apologize.
Because we don’t have anything to be sorry for.
Graduation
Sophie
