She remembers the panic she felt watching his ungraceful slide to the ground. Gonzalez had shouted for McCafferty to go get Lynn as she knelt beside her dad. Soon Bri and Robert were kneeling beside him as well. His face looked red and his breathing came in gasps. Gonzalez checked his pulse and Lynn showed up. They retrieved a cot and carried him inside. They all sat with him for most of the night and Bri feels the tiredness of staying up so late. He didn’t wake up or move the whole night.
Those memories flash through her mind as she sights downrange and squeezes off the first round. She feels the small kick against her shoulder as her M-4 talks to her. She feels it become just another part of her as it responds to her wishes. The weapon against her shoulder is just another extension of herself. She feels a comfort with it in her hands. With each pull of the trigger, she feels an anger build within. She is like her dad in that manner; that fear will turn to anger. She has heard him mention that before but never really realized what he meant until now. It was one of those things she’d just shrugged off thinking it was just her dad talking.
She thinks of Nic and the anger builds. She is incredibly sad that Nic isn’t here and misses her so much. Tears well in her eyes blurring the target in her scope. She blinks them away but the feeling remains. She is oblivious to all around her except her thoughts and the target. The M-4 locks as she runs through her ammo. She inserts another mag lying beside her, flips the release and continues firing. Each round that exits increases the feeling inside; feelings of both sorrow and anger.
She centers the dot on the target again after recovering from the barrel raising a small amount. The sadness of remembering Nic folds into anger as she realizes that she won’t ever see Nic again. She has known that of course but locked it down for too long. The feelings she stowed away now surface. She is angry and fearful for her dad lying sick on his cot. She thinks it has something to do with the scratch he received on his neck some time ago that hasn’t completely healed. She knows several soldiers died from such scratches, well, really bites, they had received. Nic is gone and her dad is sick and who knows if he’ll recover. Both are a result of confrontations with night runners and her anger is directed towards them.
She resolves to see every night runner dead. They took her sister away and now possibly her dad and she’ll see every single one of them dead. The target in the distance becomes another night runner and her eyes narrow as she puts her dot square on it. She replaces another mag and continues firing. She feels an inner toughness build. The pain in her arm vanishes. There is only the night runner (target) in front of her, the red dot, and the trigger. A voice intrudes on the bubble she has created. “Cease fire, I said,” she hears Gonzalez shout.
Bri removes her finger from the trigger and looks up to see Gonzalez standing over her. Bri had become so focused on her feelings and the target — yes, they are only targets now — that she lost everything else. Even Robert is looking over at her from his position with a quizzical look. She feels the burning in her eyes from the tears and feels slightly ashamed of having them. She wipes her eyes and Gonzalez kneels down beside her.
Gonzalez calls for a cease fire but one gun still rings out with single shots one right after the other. She looks over to see Bri still sending rounds across the firing range.
“Cease fire, I said,” Gonzalez shouts standing over Bri.
Bri looks up and Gonzalez sees her red eyes with streaks of dirt trailing down her cheeks. Behind those red eyes though, she sees an inner toughness that she always knew Bri had inside but is now shining clearly through. She knows that look and what is running through Bri’s mind. She remembers a time when that came over her and what it could lead to. She’s seen it happen enough times to others; they can become so hardened they begin to shut out other forms of humanity. Any other feelings are overshadowed by that hardness that they become close to non-existent. Looking into Bri’s eyes, she remembers when that hardness came upon her.
She always had a certain strength growing up in the streets of the small town of Clovis, New Mexico. But that was made into something else during her tour in the sandbox. Her squad had been patrolling through the streets of Tikrit, as they had been for some time, when they were ambushed. Not wanting to relive the entire experience again, Gonzalez just focuses on the loss of her friends and the feeling of that steel settle within her. Yes, she knows the look in Bri’s eye. She had a Sergeant that took her aside and told her the same thing she is about to tell Bri. It made the difference for her and she has so far been able to keep the toughness and humanity in balance.
She kneels next to Bri. “Look,” she starts off quietly so only Bri can hear her, “believe it or not, I know what’s going through your mind. You want to kill everything and everyone that took away those you care about. I understand that. But don’t let it overwhelm your other senses. Hold onto the toughness but don’t let it dominate you. You don’t have to act like a guy or carry bravado to be tough. You don’t have to carry only that anger inside or be angry all of the time to be tough. Constant anger will eat away your soul. Be tough yes, but not to the extent of everything else. Keep your feminine side. Hold it close and wrap yourself in it but keep that inner steel too. Let them complement each other rather than choose one or the other.”
Gonzalez sees her words settle into Bri. With a nod, she rises. “Okay everyone. Mags and chambers clear. Let’s get these weapons cleaned and then we’re going for a nice jog around the compound.”
The shame Bri felt because of her tears vanishes with Gonzalez’ words. She feels the essence of what Gonzalez said sink in. The anger retreats to an extent. The fear and worry for her dad remains as does the sadness she feels for Nic but there is a settling within her that she feels to her core. That the night runners will die doesn’t leave but the deep-set anger is replaced by an inner calm. The anger doesn’t fade altogether and she can feel the fiery furnace just below but it blends. That’s what it feels like. Tempered steel comes to her mind. That’s what she’ll be. But she remembers the part about keeping her soft side. She feels a deep connection with Gonzalez and relishes Gonzalez’ ability to be tough yet still jokes around. Yes, tempered steel.
She rises and picks up her empty mags after checking that her chamber is clear. “Are you okay, Bri?” Robert asks rising with her.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Just worried for dad,” Bri answers.
“What did Gonzalez say?” Robert asks.
“Nothing. Just for me to listen better next time,” she replies.
“Yeah, okay, whatever,” he says.
They clean their weapons and then drain buckets of sweat on Gonzalez’ “trot” around the compound. There isn’t enough air in the entire Northwest to fill their lungs yet Gonzalez runs beside them asking if they all have lead in their asses. Bri feels good with the exercise and delights in the feel of the hard run. If not for the lack of air, she would like to run more. She will build herself and she sends a thought out to the area as they finish — “Watch out night runners. I’m coming.”
Little does she realize Robert is having the same thoughts.