“Ireland,” I replied, “must be a most interesting country. Have you ever heard of what we have here in Cornwall? Have travelers told you of our Cyclopses, fauns and centaurs, of our wild oxen, hyenas, and lamias; of our white merles, crickets, and men with eyes before and behind? Just as soon as I can I intend to destroy all these evil monsters, and I am really surprised, Queen Broda; in fact, I can not understand at all, at all, why it is that you have allowed your fair land to be overrun by such trash as you tell me of. Allow me to offer my services after I have cleaned Cornwall of its monstrosities. Did you know that I had magical powers? How surprised were Gog and Magog when I conquered them, and Agit and Agimandi were absolutely dumbfounded when I bound them in chains and cast them into the Mare Nostrum. I have eaten of the plant Assidos, which protects the eater from evil spirits, and I wear on my body the stone Nudiosi, which prevents the sight from growing feeble and makes it possible for the wearer to see a great distance. For example, at this very moment I can see how this matter is all going to end.”
I could see that she was impressed, for she replied, “Just from looking at you, Sir Cecil, one would not believe you had all these powers, and yet there must be something about you, because in no time at all you have established yourself here.”
“Well, it is hard to tell about a man, just by looking at him. But tell me one thing: what put this idea into your head about Lord Fitz-Hugh’s having a tail?”
“He is a man of Cornwall, and all of that land are thus tailed.”
“Are you sure?”
“Certainly. You are not going to doubt my word, are you? The next thing you will be calling me a liar. It happened this way. A very learned man, Polydore Vergil, hath written the whole tale in his book. He tells how Saint Thomas a Becket came to Strood, one of your villages, which is situated on the Medway, the river that washes Rochester. The men of Cornwall living in that place, wishing to put a mark of contumely on the good Saint, did not scruple to cut the tail off the horse he was riding on, and, for this profane and inhospitable act, they covered themselves with eternal reproach, and since then all the men of Cornwall have been born with tails on them, and no man like that shall ever sit by my side and rule Ireland, and the only way I can ease my pride is to take his head back with me” — here the poor lady began to cry—“and he should have thought of that and how it would make me feel, before he made me love him so. And how would it be for me to be the mother of a poor little Princess with a tail on her like an ape or a monkey?”
“That would not do at all,” I replied in my most soothing way, and when I try to soothe the ladies, I usually succeed. I remember very well how I completely changed the desire of a lady in Araby once, for she was first minded to kill me, but, by my power and a certain talisman that I carried, I compelled her to other ideas. So, I soothingly said:
“That would not do at all. But how would it be, if by my power I removed this tail? Suppose I made Lord Fitz-Hugh like other men? How then? Would you still demand his head?”
“Don’t be silly,” she replied archly. “Of course, I would rather marry him than kill him, but I never thought that anything like that could be done — you mean without a scar? And if there was a little baby, she would be all right? Just like any other little baby?”
“If I promise you that everything will be all right, everything will be all right. All you have to do is to trust me. Of course, it would take some powerful magic. I will at once begin my sorcery by the use of rabdomancy; later on I may have to use the blood of a newborn child, but I should rather not do that unless it is necessary. Suppose we have Lord Fitz-Hugh come over here? You will promise him safe conduct, I know. Then the three of us could go down into my special cavern, far in the bowels of the earth, under my castle, and there I could do what is necessary to this man of Cornwall and make him closer to your heart’s desire.”
“You promise me that it won’t hurt him much?”
“Not as much as cutting off his head. Of course, he may moan a little, but he is quite a brave man, and I am sure that he can stand it. Suppose you send most of your army back and come into the castle as my guest. I can take care of about fifty of your men. Then we will send at once for this tailed man and start to work. I suppose you are anxious to go back to Ireland? But I want you to promise me one thing: If I do this feat of magic for you and restore your lover to you, built as all other men, no fear of hereditary taint, you will tell those men of Wales to leave Cornwall alone or settle with me. Will you promise?”
She promised; so I left her with the understanding that she and fifty of her men would become my guests on the morrow and the rest of the wild Irish were to go back to their island. And I walked back to the castle.
Queen Broda sat silent in her golden chariot, but there was a look of happiness and hope on her lovely face.
The next day Lord Fitz-Hugh came. He was just as dismal as ever.
“I have to remove either your head or your tail,” I told him, “or this wild Irish lassie of yours is going to let the Welshmen cut our throats and wash Cornwall in blood. So, off comes your tail.”
“No one can take my tail off,” he answered, surly and sad.
“And why not?”
“You know why,” was all he could say.
Certainly in that mood he was no fit playmate for a girl like Queen Broda. I saw that I would have to be rather clever or they never would marry, tail or no tail, and there they were, madly in love and grieving themselves sick over the matter.
That night the three of us met in a cell, far down under the castle. It was a very unpleasant place, hut it was the best I could do in a hurry. I had sent down some rattling chains and a brazier of charcoal and some incense, which made a terrible smell, and I had a hound dog tied in one comer and seven rats in a wire cage hanging from the wall; so it all looked horrible enough, and even my blood chilled when the hound howled, which he did every time that he looked up at the rats. I had a stool for the lady to sit on, but Fitz-Hugh and I stood up. I began with the Lord’s Prayer in Latin said backward, a trick I had learned in ray boyhood. And then I threw a dead mouse on the burning charcoal and closed my eyes and just muttered, and then with a howl that startled them all, even the dog, I jumped on poor Fitz-Hugh and wrestled with him, and when I separated from him, I had his tail in my hand, and, after showing it to the Queen, I shakingly put it on the charcoal and it gave off a mighty offensive smell as it burned.
There was no doubt left in the mind of Queen Broda. The man of Cornwall had had a tail; by my magic I had taken the tail from him; and now he had the tail no more and she could marry him. She did not waste any time, but took the poor lad in her arms and kissed him till I tired of the counting, and he kissed her and I saw that I was not wanted; so I suggested that we return to the library and I would leave them there to talk matters over and arrange for their future.
In the library they were most, grateful. The Queen told me that I need never worry about those men of Wales, for she was going to attend to them personally, just as soon as the honeymoon was over. Gladly Fitz-Hugh told me he was going to send me a gold chain and some books he had that I wanted. So everything was lovely, and that very night they were married by my priest.
The next morning they left me. I went down the road a piece with them. Of course, Lord Fitz-Hugh was riding with Queen Broda in her golden chariot, and she was silent, but her eyes and dimpled cheeks did a lot of talking. He stepped out of the chariot and came over to my horse when he said good-bye to me. He looked at me earnestly.