‘Er…’ he began before being interrupted…
‘Hello.’
The layout of the cafe meant that there was a moment, straight after the doorbell rang, when you didn’t know who had entered. But Yukio knew whose voice it was immediately.
Mum…
After a few moments of watching the entrance near the cash register, he saw Kinuyo hobble in, using Yohsuke’s shoulder for support.
‘Ah…’
The moment he saw Kinuyo, he turned his face away so that she would not see him. He bit his lip.
Have I come just before she was hospitalized?
The last time he had seen Kinuyo in the flesh was five years earlier. At that time, she was still fit and well. She hadn’t needed someone’s shoulder to help her walk. But appearing before him now, she had withered terribly. Her eyes were sunken and white hairs covered her head. Her hand gripped by Yohsuke had bulbous veins, and each finger looked like a thin cane. Already, her illness had wasted her body.
She is so frail! I had no idea…
His face was frozen as it was, unable to look up.
The first to notice him was Yohsuke.
‘Grandma…’
Yohsuke spoke softly into Kinuyo’s ear as he slowly helped her turn towards Yukio. Grandma’s boy, Yohsuke had become her hands and feet, and he knew how to support her frailness.
When she saw it was Yukio at whom Yohsuke was looking, her eyes widened.
‘Oh goodness…’ she said softly.
Responding to her voice, Yukio finally looked up.
‘You look well!’ he said.
His voice was brighter than the one he had spoken to Kazu with.
‘What’s up? Why are you here?’
Kinuyo seemed very surprised that Yukio, who was meant to be in Kyoto, had suddenly made an appearance in this cafe. But her eyes were shining joyfully.
‘There’s a little something,’ he said, returning a smile.
Kinuyo whispered in Yohsuke’s ear, ‘Thank you,’ and walked by herself to the table where Yukio was seated.
‘Nagare, one coffee for me if you please. I’ll drink it here,’ she requested politely.
‘One coffee coming up,’ Nagare replied. Before she had even asked, he had already put the beans he had just ground in the filter. He only had to pour over the steaming hot water, and the coffee would be made.
Since Kinuyo always came to the cafe at the same time, he had ground the beans to coincide with her arrival. Yohsuke plonked himself down on a counter seat facing Nagare.
‘And what is young Yohsuke going to have?’
‘Orange juice.’
‘Orange juice it is.’
After taking Yohsuke’s order, Nagare took the pot and began pouring the hot water over the grounds in the filter holder that was in the shape of the letter ‘e’.
The aromatic fragrance of the coffee began to drift through the cafe. Kinuyo’s elated grin made it clear how much she loved this moment. She exhaled a noisy ‘Oof!’ as she sat down in the chair facing Yukio.
Kinuyo had been a regular at this cafe for decades. So, naturally she knew the rules well. It must be clear to her by now, without needing to be told, that he had come from the future. Yukio wanted desperately to avoid telling her the reason he’d come.
I came to see my dead mother…
There was no way to say those words. He hastily felt the need to say something.
‘You look like you’ve lost weight.’
As soon as he blurted it out, he was cursing himself for saying such a thing.
He didn’t know whether she had been diagnosed with cancer, but it was the period leading up to her hospitalization – of course she was thin. Turning the topic of conversation to her illness was the very thing he’d wanted to avoid. A pool of sweat was forming inside his clenched fists.
But Kinuyo simply replied, ‘Oh, really? That’s nice to hear.’ Placing both hands on her cheeks, she looked happy to hear it. On seeing her reaction, he thought, Perhaps she still doesn’t know that she has cancer.
Sometimes people don’t find out until they are in hospital. Her reaction was completely understandable if she didn’t know about her illness. This came to Yukio as a relief.
He relaxed a little. He tried his best to keep the conversation casual and normal.
‘Really? You’re happy to hear me say that, even now?’ he laughed dismissively. But Kinuyo’s expression was earnest.
‘Yes, I am,’ she replied. ‘You’re looking pretty thin, yourself,’ she added.
‘…Oh, you think?’
‘Are you eating properly?’
‘Yeah, of course. Recently I’ve even been making my own meals.’
Yukio hadn’t eaten one proper meal since he’d heard of her death.
‘Oh, really?’
‘Yeah, rest assured, Mum, I’ve given up living on cup noodles.’
‘What about washing your clothes?’
‘Sure, I’m washing my clothes.’
He had been wearing the same clothes for nearly a month.
‘No matter how tired you are, you must always make the effort to sleep on a futon.’
‘Yeah, I know that.’
He had already cancelled the lease on his apartment.
‘If you get into money trouble, don’t borrow from people. Speak up about it, OK? I don’t have much myself, but I can give a little.’
‘Money is fine…’
Yesterday, he finished filing for personal bankruptcy. There would be no burdening Kinuyo and Kyoko with massive debt.
Yukio simply wanted to see Kinuyo’s face one last time.
If it was possible to change the present by going back in time, then he probably wouldn’t have chosen this ending. He would have done everything possible to ensure his mother, sitting in front of him, could get the best hospital treatment. He would have explained the circumstances to that large man he didn’t know behind the counter and begged him to take some action.
The reality was, however, that none of his wishes would come true. His life had lost all meaning. Not wanting to break Kinuyo’s heart was his only grip on life. That single powerful feeling inside him kept him going, despite having been cheated into a life of endless hardship. He had resolved not to die while his mother was still alive.
But back in the present, Kinuyo was no longer there…
His face was at peace as he spoke to her.
‘I’m able to open my own studio now. I’m going independent as a potter.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, I’m not lying.’
‘How wonderful.’
Tears began spilling from Kinuyo’s eyes.
‘Hey, that’s not something to cry about,’ he said, handing her a paper napkin.
‘It’s just…’ No more words came from her.
While looking at Kinuyo’s teary face, Yukio calmly pulled out something from inside his jacket.
‘So, anyway, here…’ he said, placing it before her. It was the passbook and stamp that she had given him when he first left for Kyoto.
‘I thought I would need it if things got hard, but I ended up not using it…’
No matter how tough life had become, he could never bring himself to use the money. It was filled with the wishes of his mother, who – never doubting his success – had believed in him as she sent him off. He was planning to return it to her when he succeeded as a potter.
‘But that money…’
‘No, it’s OK. Just knowing it was there enabled me to get through the hard times, no matter how tough things got. It gave me the strength to keep going. I always ploughed on so that I could return it to you, Mum.’ That was not a lie. ‘Please, I want you to take it.’
‘Oh, Yukio…’
‘Thank you.’ He nodded deeply.
Kinuyo took the passbook and stamp from him and held them to her chest.