«You don't love Joe?»
«Of course I do. I love him very much, but things aren't always perfect. Look at the shit I've brought into his life. It's horrible. And him being a sheriff? He could be taken from me every time he goes to work. It's not perfect, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. When I'm with him, time stops. He's it, all I think about, all I want, but it's not always easy.»
«I guess I see what you mean,» Jim replied, trying to think what life would be like if he had never met Donovan. And now that he had found him, what would life be like if he let Donovan go? None of it looked good.
«Uh, where can I get a bottle of this stuff?» Jim asked as he held up the bottle of lube.
«You can have that one. It's new and we have more.» Nate laughed. «Joe always makes sure we have plenty on hand. I swear we need to buy stock in the damn company. We'd make millions.»
Jim stood to his feet and headed for the door, turning back to look at Nate. «Thanks, Nate, for talking to me. If I have more questions, would you-«
Nate laughed. «You can ask me anything you want, Jim.»
Jim nodded, opening the door. «I'm glad Joe found you, Nate.»
«Me, too.»
Closing the door behind him, Jim shoved the bottle of lube in his pocket and headed downstairs. He needed to locate his mate and find out if he was still interested in being mated to another man.
Walking into the living room, he found Donovan talking with Chase and Joe. He waited a moment then cleared his throat. «Donovan? Can I speak with you for a moment?»
Donovan, already looking in his direction, nodded his head. Before anyone could see the blush filling his face, Jim turned and went back up the stairs. He could hear Donovan behind him as he went to the guestroom on the far side of the house from Nate.
Jim walked into the middle of the room, turning to face Donovan as he followed him in. «Please, shut the door,» he said. He watched Donovan shut the door, then turn back to him, a dark brown eyebrow raised in query.
As Donovan stared at him, Jim suddenly couldn't think of anything to say. His mouth felt dry, his palms sweaty. Rubbing them on his pants, he felt the bottle of lube in his pocket. Pulling it out, he handed it to Donovan.
«What's this?»
«My answer,» Jim said with quiet emphasis.
«To what?»
«Whether I'm going to keep you or not,» Jim muttered hastily. He suddenly felt like the world's biggest fool as Donovan looked at him, astonishment written all over his face. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe Donovan hadn't been thinking along the same lines.
«You seem to have given this some thought,» Donovan finally said.
Jim nodded his head as he watched Donovan's thumb rub over the small bottle of lube. «I'm not sure I've really been thinking about anything else,» he said in a voice that seemed to come from a long way off.
Jim felt like his nerves were being stretched to the breaking point as he watched Donovan start to pace back and forth. Every few steps he would stop and look over at Jim, his eyebrows drawn together as if he were in deep thought.
Finally, Donovan stopped pacing to stand in front of Jim. «Do I get a say in this?»
Jim's mouth dropped open in shock and surprise siphoned the blood from his face. «Yes, of course you do.» Jim dropped his eyes down to the floor and pushed his hands into his jean pockets. «I just wanted you to know how I felt.»
«Duly noted.»
Jim lifted his eyes to stare Donovan for a moment. Disconcerted at the indifferent look in his eyes, Jim crossed his arms and pointedly looked away from Donovan's piercing gaze. «I'll just let you get back to what you were doing then.»
He started to step past Donovan to leave when a strong grip on his arm stopped him. Jim looked over to see Donovan's hand on his arm, stopping him from leaving. His eyes flickered up briefly as he wondered what other humiliation he was about to endure.
Jim hesitated to say anything, torn by conflicting emotions. He wanted to turn into Donovan's arms and kiss him again. He wanted to explore all of the sexual fantasies swirling around in his head.
He wanted to run for the door and escape the closed expression on Donovan's face, to take back the last few hours and pretend that they never happened. He wanted to be blissfully ignorant of the fact that he couldn't live in the closet anymore because his mate was a man.
He was suddenly anxious to escape from Donovan's disturbing presence, from the feelings of longing he created. To his dismay, his voice broke slightly when he spoke. «Was there something else you wanted, Donovan?»
«I'm not-I'm not very good at this, Jim,» Donovan said, his voice thick and unsteady.
Jim's mind was congested with doubts and fears. He looked away hastily, then moved restlessly. Perhaps it was simply his own uneasiness, but Jim suddenly wondered if Donovan was being totally truthful with him.
«Good at what?» He said the words tentatively as if testing the idea. He took a step back in confusion when Donovan let out a bitter little laugh.
«Besides the whole I'm waiting for my mate thing, there's a reason I don't have a girlfriend right now, Jim,» Donovan said as he released Jim's arm only to stroke his hand through his light brown hair.
His voice was deceptively calm as he continued. «I don't do relationships, Jim. It's too messy. And I basically suck at them.»
When Jim spoke, his voice was tender, almost a murmur. «And you think I'm any better? I've been avoiding getting involved with a woman all of my adult life. And that has nothing to do with waiting for my mate.»
«The whole living in the closet thing?» Donovan asked as he sat down on the side of the bed and looked up at Jim.
Jim nodded, feeling his face heat up. «I watched what Joe went through when he came out, how people changed toward him, and I never wanted to go through that. So, I chose not to.»
Donovan burst out laughing. «That came around to bite you in the ass, didn't it?»
Jim didn't know how to reply to Donovan's words without hurting his feelings or sounding like a complete goober, so he didn't say anything. He just nodded his head in agreement.
«If you've decided to accept me,» Donovan said as he looked down at the bottle of lube in his hand, «how do you plan on avoiding that? I'm pretty sure people are going to figure it out, Jim, because I refuse to live in the closet with you.»
«How about my place then? Will you live there with me?» Jim asked cautiously. He could feel Donovan's eyes on him, watching him, measuring him.
«So, I'm just supposed to give up my place and my position in my pack to move here and live with you?» Donovan asked. «Why don't you move to my pack?»
Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he tried to reign in his anger. He opened his eyes and looked at Donovan, hoping he had beat down his anger enough to not sound like he was attacking Donovan. «Okay, then we'll live with your pack.»
«You're serious.» Donovan sounded astonished. Jim couldn't figure out why.
«Why are you so surprised?» Jim asked in confusion.
Donovan's hands slammed into the mattress beside him. «Jim, you're talking about giving up your life here, your friends, your family, even your job just to move to my pack and live with me. Why would you do that?»
«Because you're my mate?» Jim asked, bewildered.
«Jim, I'm a man.»
Jim tilted his head to one side as he gazed at Donovan, a slight smirk on his face. «That was kind of hard to miss.»
«If we live together, if we claim each other, you're going to have to admit that you're gay. I refuse to pretend we're just roommates or friends. I'll want to live with you in every way, to be able to touch you whenever I want to. I won't make sure that no one is around before I kiss you.»