It wasn't as if she didn't know what was at the root of her problem – but knowing the problem and knowing the solution are two different things. Even though she had loved Ralph very much, she hadn't been able to respond to him the way a full-blooded woman should. Every time they went to bed, her mother was there between them in spirit, and the ghost of the old lady held her daughter back, curdling the physical response which nature had instilled in her body.
Lisa's mother was puritanical and prudish, but unlike Lisa, she believed sincerely hers was the only right way for a woman to behave. She had explained the mysteries of sex to her child when Lisa had come running home with her first menstruation, tearfully afraid something was wrong and she was bleeding to death. The mother's teachings had consisted entirely of dire warnings about the bestiality of men, and the woman's chore of submitting to their disgusting animal-like ruttings which overcame good taste and gentlemanly breeding. A woman had to endure, but never allow herself to willingly serve in the evil and filthy practice of procreation. To this day, Lisa could recite chapter and verse of St. Paul and St. Augustine, and the passages concerning the devil's love of flesh and the meaning of Original Sin.
It was certainly no wonder that Lisa lasted as a virgin all during high school and teacher's college, despite the numerous temptations cast her way. When, at the age of twenty-three, she had fallen in love with Ralph and lost some of her reticence, he had tried to explain to her that her mother was wrong. But the damage was too complete, and no matter how logical or loving he was, he couldn't dent the mother's insidious teachings which by then had seeped into Lisa's subconscious and controlled her basic emotions. The result had been that she'd remained untouched until her wedding night, and if she'd had her way, would have continued undefiled afterwards. Love was pure, sex was ugly… and the two could never be joined.
"Be kind, Ralph," she pleaded that first night together. "Please, be gentle with me."
And Ralph had been gentle and kind with her. But in the double bed with him, Lisa's eyes filled with tears, and when he caressed her breasts through the transparency of her honeymoon nightgown, her whole curvaceous body had shuddered uncontrollably. She sucked in her breath convulsively when he slid the negligee up over her naked body and began kissing the pink nipples of her breasts, making them harden and distend with involuntary desire. She could recall after all these years every clear detail of his strong hands sliding over her nude skin in the darkness of the motel bedroom, and the way her flesh had betrayed her mind by responding with shivery goose bumps of delight. His fingers moved slowly lower, until at last they teased softly over the curly silken hairs of her pubic mound. Then down deeper… to find their way gently into the tight valley between her tender vaginal lips…
Now, staring sightlessly down at the pile of work on her desk, Lisa Hamilton fought to erase the memories which still haunted her, but without success. The painful recollections of her marriage were too vividly seared on her mind to ever be forgotten, or forgiven. She unconsciously trailed her eyes down her conservative woolen dress, thinking how Ralph had traveled the length and breadth of her naked body that first night and on many subsequent nights after that. And she recalled the unwanted sensations he had caused to ripple through her exposed loins, now so correctly covered from blatant exhibition…
Ralph had been her husband, and she knew it was her wifely duty to please him. But her mother's warnings about tiny electric sensations of pleasure were still too strong for her to overcome, and she lay frozen on her wedding bed in fear that there was something wrong with her because he was sexually arousing her. And when her lawful mate lowered his strong, muscular body between her cringing thighs, and probed her defenseless virginal passage with his thick, throbbing penis, Lisa was more terrified than she'd ever been before in her life.
Ralph's massive cock-head buffeted lightly against her hymen, easing its way into the undiscovered moistness of her soft trembling pussy. It felt too good to her to be anything else except evil… and then she was able to sense the tight ring of her purity give way to the prodding tip of his long, hard cock. There was a spasm of pain, she recalled, but not like any pain she'd ever known before, it was warm and more fulfilling than frightening, and she involuntarily gasped with delight as she felt him slide further up inside her tightly clasping cunt.
Yet, helped by her domineering mother's disapproving image, she was able to fight away even the tiniest bit of excitement from her senses. She endured her new husband's lustful passions with hundreds of puritanical proverbs she had become infused with, reciting them silently with her eyes squeezed tightly shut and her lips bared back over her clenching teeth. She prayed her morality wouldn't desert her as she heard Ralph's breathing become harsher and more labored, and sensed the contradicting emotions surging through her when his penis flooded her vagina with great spurts of his hot thick sperm. That was the only reason for allowing a man to have his way with her… for children, for procreation… or so she told herself over and over.
Still, in spite of her firm resolve not to weaken, somewhere in the back of her mind were excited nerve-endings that lewdly reveled in the spewing warmth of his semen. His pulsating cock pressed rhythmically against the smooth, rippling walls of her helplessly contracting pussy. Those sudden, uncontainable spasms of delight had scared her breathless, and she redoubled her promises to resist the slightest sign of prurient pleasure for fear of becoming no better than a sluttish whore.
The next few nights were even worse for the newly-wed couple, no matter what Ralph did to try to overcome her resistance. Lisa's inability to rid herself of her mother's image and actively enjoy his love-making made her stiff and rejecting, until she was almost driven insane with guilt. It got so that in her mind's eye, his hardened erection was the symbol of all she was supposed to hate, and the sight of it projecting thick and spear-like from his hirsute loins was enough to set her trembling with witless anxiety. The blood-rigid rod of male flesh was too big, too lustful and overpowering for her to accept, and she groaned beneath its thrusting and surging with undisguised repugnance.
Months passed, and even talking out their problem was too painful to do any good. It was a time of hellish agony for the young woman, and she lay awake at night, listening to her husband toss and turn in his frustration. Even during the day, life was becoming increasingly unbearable for them – for Ralph, because his wife's apparent repulsion to sex made him feel sexually inadequate for the first time in his life; and for Lisa, because her own fears and frigidity made her hostile not only to her husband, but to herself as well.
Eventually her consistent denial of sexual pleasure reached the point of no return. Over a night-club dinner on their first anniversary, Ralph drank a bit too much and blurted angrily: "I want a divorce. I want out, you cold-cunted icebox, so I can find me a real woman…"
And a self-denying, cold-cunted divorcee Lisa had remained ever since, miserable and subconsciously frustrated…
With a heavy sigh of regret and self-pity, the melancholy teacher gathered her books and papers together, and with a last look around the cavernous room, walked out and shut the door behind her. The hall was empty, the mad exodus of students over now, and her footsteps were a lonely sound to her ears. She could hear the last bus leaving the parking lot, and from further on came the distant yells of the school's baseball team practicing on the field. Pretty soon the custodian would begin his rounds, pushing the day's collection of dirt and trash ahead of him with his big broom. Perhaps I should let him sweep me up, too, she contemplated sadly. I'm not any more use than an empty bottle, or a discarded candy wrapper…