He found himself wishing he could talk to Durhan, his Sech, his teacher. But he was busy, working with the Vindrizi on their sanctuary world and preparing the beginnings of something very special, something for.... afterwards.
He found himself wishing he were a child again, learning at Varmain's feet. He found himself wishing he could remember more of her lessons, more of her words. Alas, all he could recall were her last whispers.
So much. Valen has blessed me indeed.
Had Valen blessed him? Would he look back on his life as an old man on his dying day and smile as she had done?
He laughed at the thought. What foolishness! A futile dream of one who had not realised until too late the price of all his decisions. Now he knew, but now it was too late. He was stuck with the burden of his responsibilities.
That, he knew, was why he was moving so slowly. He could have finished Sonovar months ago, destroyed him directly after the loss of the Tak'cha. Even giving the renegade enough time to accept or refuse the offer of negotiations, he could have moved by now. So why had he not? He knew why. He knew what he would have to do after Sonovar was defeated.
He raised his pike, Stormbringer, and looked at it. He had forged it with a part of his own soul, and it had absorbed and claimed all his darkest essence, becoming a distorted reflection of himself he did not like to acknowledge. There were times when he longed for a day he could set it down and never raise it again, and others when he wished to lift it high on a battlefield and charge to his death.
No. No more procrastinating, no more delays. Rastenn's words had confirmed what he already knew, what he needed to know. He had to act now.
"Lanniel," he said, and she looked up. His choice was not random, he had known she would be the one for this task ever since he had prepared it in his mind. There were few others he could trust with something like this.
"Lanniel, there is something I need you to do. It will be dangerous, very much so, and it may well claim your life."
"I'm not afraid to die, Primarch," she replied simply. "Command me, and I shall obey."
He sighed. He had known she would say that.
"When I was a child, I used to watch the workers at nightfall. I was meditating, training, all the things young warriors do. There was one occasion, one out of many, but this one I remember.... I was standing in the Reihaido Gardens in Yedor. I was still and quiet, absorbing my surroundings, filling myself with knowledge, memories, the wisdom of my ancestors.
"Then I heard laughter. It was not mocking, not arrogant, not bitter. It was the genuine laughter of happy people. I roused from my meditation, irritated and annoyed, and turned to see who it was.
"They were workers, three of them. They were returning from some task. They were covered with dust, their garments were worn and dirty. They looked.... pathetic.
"But they were laughing. They were smiling. They were happy. I wondered why, and I wondered for a long, long time. What could such as they have to be truly happy about?"
Kozorr smiled, and brushed the dust of stone from his tunic. "Now I know," he said.
"It is a wonderful feeling, isn't it?" Kats agreed softly. She saw the light of understanding in her beloved's eyes. She heard the whispers of peace in his voice. But she also knew that the peace, understanding and contentment he had been radiating these past months were nothing but masks, thin layers of silk over a heart that burned and raged.
Still, even the thinnest of layers could one day harden.
"To create," he said in wonder. "To stand back and look at the efforts of your labours. It is.... I have been trained in twelve different techniques of meditation, each one aimed at bringing calm and peace, a respite from worldly concerns and fears. None of them has ever made me feel as I do now."
It lit her heart to see him so happy. She knew what it had cost him to be here. The two of them had come here after the incidents on Anla'Verenn–veni, partly at Sinoval's wish, but also to try to force a reconciliation. There was still much to be done here. Even after the damage done by Sonovar's attack over a year before, there were raiders, pirates, scavengers. Warriors had been sent to help deal with them, mostly people who had defected from Sonovar's side. Many of these had known Kozorr before. They saw him moving with workers, 'grubbing in the dirt' as one of them had put it.
He had said nothing, but looked down, his eyes dark. They chose to interpret his place in the work crews as a particularly humiliating punishment from Sinoval. He had not chosen to disabuse them.
"Are you tired?" she asked. He never looked directly at her any more, always choosing to stare just to one side or keep his head down. Still, at least he could bear to be around her these days. He would talk to her. The inner demons he was battling were being cast down.... albeit slowly.
"I feel I could stay awake for weeks," he said.
"Perhaps you should sleep. Then I...." She hesitated. She had been intending to say this for some time, but the words had never come. Now she was sure she was ready. There were rituals and formalities to be followed. She had not approached his family, and even if they were still alive she had no illusions as to how they would receive her suit. Nor had she formally asked his lord - Sinoval. She knew what he would say, but she knew she had to do this herself.
"Then I could watch you."
His eyes flashed with remembered pain, and he looked down. "I.... That would.... not be...."
"My name is Kats," she said, stiffly. He had not spoken her name since his return here. "Or you used to call me 'my lady'. I always liked it when you did."
"It would not be.... appropriate," he said harshly. "Not any more."
"We both know it is."
"I am not worthy of you. Please.... don't make me say this. We both know I do not deserve you.... not after what...."
"No!" she snapped loudly, speaking with a force that belied her gentle bearing. "Kozorr, listen to me.... You did not abandon me when I needed help."
"But I did," he said. "I should have helped you.... I should have acted against Kalain earlier, I should have...."
"No! You acted when it was right to do so. You spoke to me when I screamed at night. You were always there, always wise and strong. I thought of you constantly when.... Kalain was.... You restored my mind and my soul to me.
"Now, I am free.... and I will restore your soul to you." It was true. She was free from Kalain now. There had been a vision on Anla'Verenn–veni, where she had seen him again and realised that she did not hate him any more, or fear him. No.... she only pitied him, and so she had been able to forgive him.
"I have no soul," he whispered. "My lady, why.... please.... leave me...."
"No." She glided across the floor of his simple room, moving to his side. He turned away, but she reached up and touched his face, looking into his eyes. "Neither of us can know what will happen tomorrow, but we do know that there is today. I know you need healing. For all these months you have needed healing. I am here, and I will not abandon you. Not again."
"My lady.... Kats...."
"No," she said again. "Don't say anything." Gently she touched her lips to his and held him close to her. He wept and trembled, and every tear cleansed both of them, until they were healed and ready to face their future.
There is a message I need you to take to Sonovar. Place it in his hands. Do not harm him or any of those who follow him. That is important. Defend yourself, yes.... but harm none of them.
If he chooses to give a reply, then bring it back to me.