After a while, when her body had cooled and breathing became normal she asked, “Aren’t we leaving tonight?”
“Fuck if I’m going anywhere after that.” His voice sounded deep and husky, like he’d been half-asleep.
She laughed and smiled until her cheeks hurt, then fell asleep in his arms.
Chapter 12
They were in the car and headed to Dmetri’s the following morning. What they’d done last night clung to her skin and thoughts like glue. A part of her almost wished she could forget it, but she’d have better luck trying to forget ever being mated—yeah, right. Then the other part of her really didn’t want to forget it. Not at all, not ever. Something had happen between them last night. They’d shared something that was more than physical. She just didn’t quite know what it was yet.
In truth though, it frightened the hell out of her. In her daydreams, which seemed so innocent in comparison to actually being with Brayden, she’d had girlie thoughts of falling in love. He’d fall in love with her and it’d be all smiles, sweet words, and happily ever after. Yet when she’d awoken this morning, she’d felt none of that. She’d felt a bit cold, even with his arm wrapped around her waist. Things felt distant. She’d taken a quick shower as he ‘fed’ himself and few words were spoken. How could things feel so awkward after sharing what they’d done last night?
How could he look at her like she was just any other woman in his house? Like how he looked at Gail this morning when she came in for work. He’d had the same deadpan glaze to his eyes, the same nod of his head when he said hello. He hadn’t even kissed her good morning. Isn’t that what real couples did?
Hell, that only brought on another probing question. Just what were they? She’d committed adultery by sleeping with him, not that she cared about that. She could almost laugh. Maybe if she told Joseph, he’d be so disgusted with her, he’d give her a divorce. But she couldn’t actually laugh at it, because she knew it was untrue. No way would he give her up. She was a prized possession to him. She made his life so much easier, doing everything he wanted, even as she felt like she was shoveling her own grave with each task she did.
So, what were they? A fling, a couple, dating? What did he mean when he said things couldn’t go back to how they were?
She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. He looked tense. His eyes were pulled forward, lips pursed, and his index finger on the steering wheel kept tapping a constant beat. A thought dawned on her that rocked her world. He regretted it. Her chest squeezed so tight she couldn’t breathe. He regretted it. The words were like a haunting melody chiming over and over again in her head. Her heart hurt and she had to turn away because tears filled her eyes.
She removed her thoughts, and with it, her tears. But nothing she could do, no matter how hard she concentrated, could remove the suffocating pain surrounding her heart, building in her chest until everything hurt.
“We need to talk,” she said and winced at the croaking miserable sound of her own voice. She hated that sound. It was the voice of a weak person, someone alone and lost in life and that wasn’t her. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and called upon her strength. She had it; she knew she did. How else had she put up with Joseph for two fucking years?
When he didn’t say anything, she glanced over. He was looking right at her. His eyes looked sharper than usual, brighter. Probably just from feeding this morning. Her task just became a whole lot harder, because he had really pretty eyes.
“Are you sure you want to do that...?” The way he said it, like she might not enjoy where the talk would lead them, made her hesitate. She shook her head. No, no, they needed to talk. She needed answers.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
His finger stopped tapping as his hands curled tight around the wheel. “Fine, talk.”
She knew the words that needed to come out, but couldn’t seem to form them. God, what was wrong with her? Was she that fucked up or something? Leaning her head on the window, she banged her head into the glass a three good times. Not enough to hurt, but hopefully to knock some sense into her. God, what she’d do for a drink right now...
Okay, she’d start simple. “What’s with you, today?” She faced him a bit in her seat so she could study him, even though he kept his eyes on the road.
“Nothing. What do you mean?”
She laughed a soft, sarcastic sound. “Excuse me? Don’t lie; you’re smarter than that and I know it. Tell me the truth.”
The corner of his mouth jerked in a twitch. “That’s not an easy answer, Vanessa.”
Pain flared at the inside of her eyes. She squeezed the bridge of her nose and sighed as it alleviated the throbbing if only a little. “Okay, let’s try another one. What are we?”
He glanced at her, then frowned before gazing back at the winding highway. “I’m not sure I understand the question.”
Her jaw slid tight and hard, left then right. She bit out the words feeling anger rising. “What the fuck are we? A couple? Or fuck buddies, maybe? I want you to explain this whole ‘not going back thing’ and what we are. Is that fucking clear enough for you?”
He didn’t look at her. “You should relax. There’s nothing to be upset about.” His words grated on her nerves like a serrated knife.
Her jaw dropped and then unbelievably, she started laughing and couldn’t stop it. She laughed at the absurdity of his response, she laughed at the impossible situation she was in, and mostly she laughed, because otherwise she might break down and cry.
“Please, just answer the question,” she whispered. Her warm breath fogged the window and she watched as the steam appeared then slowly dissipated to reveal the lanes of cars next to them.
She didn’t think he’d answer. But he did, and when the words started flowing she froze in her seat, sight unseeing as she soaked in his words.
“Everything changed the moment I lost control with you. The first time. I come from a strict background, Vanessa. My father married and never strayed as some other men did, and she never strayed either. It wasn’t love or even desire that I know of, but the times and the era. He believed in honor, duty, and law. In doing the right thing. And I believe in that too, all of it. Perhaps, even more so than he did. That’s why I wanted you to obey your father, because it was your duty and for the better of the people. Then you came here.” He shot her a look, his eyes dark with a heady mixture of anger and passion.
“I never thought the man you’d mate would hurt you. A man doesn’t do that. A man protects and honors his woman. That’s the right way, especially for lykaens. I can honestly say that when I met you two years ago, I saw a little girl being rebellious and thinking only of herself. I also never thought your father would settle you with someone unworthy. Not having met him, I still trusted his opinion. I was wrong. So now, what does that make us? That’s a hell of a question to ask and I’m not sure if you’ll like the answer.” His voice faded and though her voice croaked a bit she managed to respond.
“Tell me.”
He rubbed a hand over his chin slowly. The bristly sound of his chin stubble made her palms itch to touch it. “I’m old, Vanessa. Old as dirt next to you. When you came into my headquarters...I didn’t see a rebellious girl. I saw a strong woman. A woman with fight and courage, even if she was creating a scene. It surprised even me, but I liked it. I like you.”
He cast a look at her, his eyes hard as if daring her to speak otherwise, challenging. “Having you in my house...I like even more. I’m still not sure why. I can feel relaxed with you. You almost make me laugh.”