His hands. His lips. His eyes.
The way she wanted him to fuck her and fuck her until she dissolved.
* * *
The way he obliged.
* * *
The way he did not seem able to help himself; the way he was — and this was so normal, after all, she stressed, so understandable—so unsettled, so confused. Because, she said to Liam, these things were, after all, complicated, weren’t they? These things — she was sure that he himself had had his doubts…
“My doubts?” Liam said, looking at her almost wildly, and for a moment Catherine thought he had said My dice?
(That accent. That accent which should never, ever, have been trusted.)
“No, Catherine,” he said, and he did it to her name again, rolled it out as though it was a name in another language. “I’ve never had my doubts.”
* * *
(Well, that was his business.)
* * *
Well, it was just that she thought he deserved to know, was all, Catherine said, turning the beer mat over and over in her hands.
Pieces flaking and crumbling off of it. The thick square of it, soggy with the Guinness she had spilled, sitting down.
It was just, Catherine said, that she had decided that — for both their sakes — this could not go on any longer.
This deception.
This lie.
Did he see what she meant? Did he understand why she had had to tell him?
(Dates, all stored up and ready to give to him. Evenings, and mornings, and weekends; because she had known every moment of that summer. She had known, every moment, where James was, and she could remember every evening that he had been with her, and every evening that he had not, and so, she could list them out.)
* * *
“I can’t believe this, Catherine,” Liam said, but she could see that he could.
The trouble in his eyes; she could see the trouble she had put there.
And she had never had any doubt, really, but that he would believe her.
Because, when it came down to it, really, how could you ever be sure of knowing any other person?
Really knowing them?
And Liam knew this, she saw. Liam understood this.
* * *
On the way home she stopped at Patrick Kavanagh’s bench.
The bronze face glared.
* * *
And even if it was not true now, the thing she had told Liam, then still it was true in the core of her, and the core of things was, wasn’t it, what mattered?
The core of things was what counted.
And it was just that it was not Liam’s time for James, she told herself.
Not yet.
* * *
“You’re looking better,” Lorraine said to her, that evening. “You’ve been looking so tired lately.”
“All those bloody horoscopes,” Catherine said.
Lorraine smiled. “Exhausted from seeing what lies ahead of us.”
* * *
In a day or two you will know where you stand in relation to something important to you.
This week will bring closure.
This week will bring a return.
* * *
And no, of course Catherine had not thought it through.
What James would or would not say; what he would or would not be able to say to Liam, to undo the things Catherine had told him, to turn Catherine’s truths into fictions with a wave of his hand—
She had not yet come to that part of the thinking.
Because she had not been thinking at all, actually.
She had only been doing what her every bone and every blood cell had ordered her to do.
* * *
The knock on the door. The knock, loud; loud and angry.
Lorraine going to answer it, and Lorraine’s cheery hello, and Lorraine’s cheery hello faltering into concern, into confusion, as James walked past her, calling Catherine’s name, giving Catherine’s name two syllables, and both of them ugly, and both of them sharp—
Catherine went to meet him.
His face, leached of light.
His eyes, in them nothing she had seen before.
And still her stupid heart leaping at the sight of him.
* * *
And everybody hearing. Lorraine, Cillian, the friends who were over at the time, visiting them — everyone. The people in the flat upstairs; the people downstairs; the people in the houses on either side, even. They would be hearing them; they would be hearing James as he roared at her. What would they make of him, Catherine found herself wondering — worrying — as she stood there, in the path of him? What would they think of the things he was letting them hear?
“People can hear you, James,” she said, at one point. “Everyone can hear.”
He looked at her. She had stopped him, at least; she had stopped him mid-flow. At least there was that; at least there was this silence, merciful between them, for these moments.
(Even if there was that look in his eyes.)
And then he spoke.
“Christ,” he said, “You learned your spake from the best of them. People can hear? Christ, you were taught and taught well.”
(His spittle, as the words formed, landing on her cheeks, landing on her lips as they opened to try and form words of her own.)
(She did not wipe it away.)
* * *
That she was devious, controlling, manipulative.
(Well, she knew that.)
That she was insane.
(And she knew that, too.)
That she could not bear to see him happy. That she could not bear to see him have something, someone, of his own. That she could not stand not to get her own way, when her own way was what she had always made damn sure of getting; that she was a spoiled child, a self-absorbed child; that she was a madwoman, that she was hysterical, that she was out of her disturbed and unstable mind. The way she had clung to him — followed him home to Carrigfinn — the way she had gone behind his back with his boyfriend, or tried to; what was fucking wrong with her, for Christ’s sake? Why would anybody want to go on in that way?
(Why, indeed.)
And that she was wrong, too. That was the greatest irony of it. That was the laugh, almost; that was almost the laugh. That she was wrong about Liam. Wrong about him. That she was wrong if she thought that it had been so easy, that any of this was, for James, in any way easy; in any way just something into which and through which he just wandered, easily, blissfully, as though he was just as much of a child as her. That none of this was easy for him. That so little of what he had brought home with him from Berlin had gone away. That Liam had made things easier, had made things feel lighter, but that Liam had not just wiped all slates clean. That every day was still difficult, that every day there was still the fear; not being able to hold his boyfriend’s hand in the street, for instance — did she have any idea what that felt like? And even though they were not holding hands, seeing the way people looked at them, knowing that people saw them, and knew, and hated them — did she have any idea what that was like? Probably not, because she was one of those people, actually, wasn’t she? She was one of those people who begrudged them every precious scrap of what they had? Wasn’t she? Yes, she was. Yes, she was, no matter what she tried to tell herself — well, then, if she was not, then why had she done what she had done? How could she have done what she had done? How could she ever have thought—? What kind of fool had she taken Liam for? Did she honestly think that Liam would believe something like that of him? No, he hadn’t; no, he hadn’t, no matter what it had looked like to her; no matter what Liam had looked like to her in the pub. And what did she think she was doing, anyway, arranging to meet his boyfriend in the pub? Arranging to lie to him? What was actually wrong with her? What had she turned into? Had she always been this way? Was it just that he had not seen it? Because, when it came down to it, they barely knew each other really, he and she; they had barely even known each other a year, if they were being honest. Writing those fucking letters to each other, like children, like pen pals — his letters that — he knew, he knew fucking well — she had barely even bothered to read. Because they had not fitted with her nice, light, college-girl lifestyle. Because they had not fitted with her boys and her parties and with all of the things that she had wanted to do more than she had wanted to bother with the trouble of being a friend to him. Until he had decided to act the same way, of course. Until he had decided, himself, to strike out on his own, to stand on his own feet. Oh, then it had stopped being all right for her, not to have him where she could see him, not to be aware of his every breath, his every move; then it had stopped suiting her.