She looked to Amber before turning toward me. “We need to talk.”
“Do you want me to stay?” Amber asked.
Why the fuck would Amber need to stay for me to talk to my girlfriend?
Vanessa shook her head. “No, I’ll be okay.”
“What’s going on?” I asked as Amber walked away. Vanessa looked to her right and then back to me, her glassy brown eyes looking into mine.
“What’s wrong?” I sat on the rock and pulled Vanessa into my lap, draping her legs over mine. She rested her head on my shoulder, her left arm around my neck as she started to cry.
“Talk to me, babe.”
She sniffled. “I’m …” She stopped and I waited, but she only cried more. I pulled her as close to me as I could. She was almost shivering in my Letterman jacket.
“What’s wrong, sunshine? Is it us?” She stilled and my heart sank. “Sun—”
“I’m pregnant!” she blurted.
She cried harder, her body shaking in my arms, and I rocked her until she stopped crying because I had no idea what else to do. As I sat with her in my arms, staring out into the dark sky with the ocean waves crashing in the distance, the thought hit me.
I was going to be a father at eighteen.
We stared at the pregnancy tests, both not sure if we were reading them correctly. We decided she should take five more home tests to make sure she was really pregnant.
“Does one or two lines mean that you’re pregnant?” I asked her. She stared at the sticks, not saying anything. “Sunshine…”
“I’m pregnant.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I pull out each time.”
“Fuck, Paul, this can’t be happening. We can’t be parents. I’m going to be a supermodel. I can’t have stretch marks.”
“They have Photoshop,” I joked, trying to make light of the situation. I was freaking out, but I didn’t want to show it because if I did then she’d freak out more and I didn’t want my parents to hear.
“Are you serious right now?” she snapped.
“Yes, I’m serious. No model is one-hundred percent natural on anything out there.”
“I can’t have a baby, Paul!”
I didn’t like when she used my real name. People called me PJ and when things got hot and heavy, Vanessa called me God. “We’ll make it work. I promise.” I’d commute to UCLA from Malibu, and while she went to shoots, our parents could take care of the baby when I was in class or had a game. We could make this work. I knew we could. We were both staying local.
She started pacing my room. “How can we make it work? I don’t want a kid, Paul. I have dreams.”
“And I don’t?” Her tone made me snap.
“Of course you do, but mine are about my looks. I can’t be some fat heifer with stretch marks.”
I watched her pace for a moment. “Do you care about my dreams?”
She stopped walking and tilted her head slightly as if I’d lost my mind. “Of course I do.”
My heart was hurting the more she talked only about her dreams. We always talked about our dreams; how I would go pro, how she would be a supermodel, how we would get married, how we would start a family, and how we would be together forever. I knew we didn’t plan to get pregnant during high school, but Vanessa didn’t have plans to attend college like I had. Did she even think about that? Did she even care?
“Do you?” I challenged. “Because I’m willing to bust my ass every day to build a future for us, Vanessa. Not me. Us!” I snapped. “Do you even love me?”
Her head snapped back as if I’d slapped her. “What?”
“I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t.”
“How could you say that?”
I expected her to cry. Part of me had said it to see if she would. Maybe I was an asshole because I wanted her to cry, to prove she cared about me and not the stretch marks she’d get from being pregnant—that she’d kept mentioning.
“Well, do you?”
She hesitated before answering and at that moment I had my answer. “Yes, of—”
I chuckled sarcastically. “You’re just with me because I’m the captain of the football team. Fucking All-State tight end. You think going along with me is going to get you places, sugar?”
“Why are you saying these things to me?” she whispered.
“They’re true aren’t they? Tell me, Vanessa, what are you more upset about? Being pregnant because of stretch marks or having a baby at seventeen?” I didn’t bother to ask if having a baby with me was a factor. If she was tied to me for eighteen years and I was a pro-football player, then she’d at least get money out of me and that had probably been her plan all along.
“I’m gonna go.”
“You do that,” I hissed. I was done. I needed to cool off before I said something more I’d regret. Vanessa had my entire heart, but the more I spoke, the more I felt myself pushing her away.
When she opened the door to my room, she turned. “The real reason I was crying last night wasn’t because I’m pregnant. It’s because I never thought I’d have to go through an abortion.”
My head snapped up. “You’ve already made up your mind?”
“Of course I have. I’m seventeen, PJ. I can’t be tied down with a baby. I have dreams.”
I pulled her back into my room and shut the door. “What do you mean you’ve already made up your mind?” I barked, spit flying from my mouth.
She wiped her chin. “You don’t get to make this decision.”
“The hell I don’t!”
“It’s my body!”
I stepped closer, coming nose to nose with her. “It’s my baby, too. My fucking blood.”
“This is not up for discussion anymore.” She pushed my chest, but I didn’t budge. I was like a brick wall especially when I was pissed as fuck. “Move out of my way.”
“No.” I shook my head.
She started to poke my chest with each word. “I. Don’t. Want. Kids. Now get out of my way!”
I stared at her. “You’re going to get rid of our baby? It’s a part of us! We made that baby together and you’re just going to go and get rid of it? You really don’t love me, do you?” She looked past me, not saying a word.
I had my answer.
“You disgust me. Get the fuck out of here,” I spat. I didn’t know what more to say or do. She was carrying my baby and was going to get rid of it like it was yesterday’s trash. She didn’t once shed a tear. I, however, cried like a little bitch the moment I saw her pull away.
She was taking more than just my heart with her; she was taking something I’d created. I was by no means ready to be a father, but I wanted to be with Vanessa forever. I loved her more than anything … More than football. She was the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep at night.
And now we were done.
After I’d manned up, I got in my car and drove around for an hour feeling weak until I saw a sign:
Army Strong
It was as if it was calling to me. Without another thought, I pulled in front of the building, turned off my car, and walked inside.
That was the day I put my country’s dreams before my own.
Chapter Three
Joselyn
Two years later …
Holy fuck. “Um, okay?”
He chuckled. “You have no idea do you?”
“What do you mean?”
“So you do know more than two words?” I rolled my eyes. Crossing my arms over my chest, I looked out the heavy tinted window at the passing street lights. “I wouldn’t give me attitude, sweetheart. You don’t know what I’m capable of.”
I turned and straightened my head back toward him. “What am I doing here?”