I’ve always enjoyed making fun of other people, cornering them. But now that she’s here, the whole world feels different. I’ve always been so soft, but I can feel myself hardening up.
Does she stand for so-called goodness and morality in this place? I guess she’s always had that side to her, even in the waking world. She was always saying, ‘Don’t do that… It has to be this way… That’s unforgivable.’
But her power’s not without limits. When I put my foot down, she abides. Later on, she’ll start griping ad nauseam, but I can usually tune her out.
Maybe she corresponds to my underdeveloped unconscious. Maybe she’s like my shadow. Which I guess means I’m her shadow. Together, the two of us form a whole.
What one lacks, the other brings to the table.
A groan wells up in my throat. I lie back on the grass, utterly deflated. God, how simplistic.
She came right up next to me, like a bride approaching the altar. Now I understood why our relationship turned out the way it did, her looking after my every little need. On trips together, as soon as we’d reach the hotel room, she’d make tea, wipe down the table, hang up my dresses. What a pain, I’d tell myself, all the while letting her do it anyway.
—What are you going to do now? What’s going to happen?
Who knows, I reply, not giving it any real thought.
—That’s kinda scary.
—Being scared isn’t gonna change anything.
What else could I say?
—Hey, it’s getting darker, isn’t it?
—Sure is.
How long can she keep going on like this?
—Is the sun going down?
—Nope.
—Then what’s going on?
—REM sleep’s ending.
—What happens then? What happens to me?
—You disappear.
—But I don’t want to disappear.
—It doesn’t matter what you want. You’ll vanish as soon as I wake up.
—Okay. See you again, right?
What – I mutter under my breath – from now on? Forever?
Un-cha-cha un-cha. A repulsive melody blared inside me. An awful ostinato. I woke up.
The vision slowly loosened its fearsome grip. It lost its colour, like a faded photograph, and then vanished in the dark.
I took a deep breath.
In the waking world, I obsess over the superficial. I devote myself to the acme of emptiness. And that devotion infiltrates my dreams, the world of my unconscious. Covered in thick plastic – that’s how I’ve made myself. Over years and years. The sadistic act of self-creation.
The sudden arrival of this shadow threatened the balance. She infused a syrupy wetness into my world. I’m better off on my own, I tell myself again and again. What’s she trying to do? I guess it wasn’t that hard to figure out. Within the realm of the mind, the emotions that guide her behaviour are just as rational as reasoned thought. That being the case, I could calculate the results of any emotion she might have. If she tried to keep the feeling down, she’d just flip a pig. First law of thermodynamics.
The only reason she can do what she does is because she doesn’t know the first thing about self-control. Yeesh. There’s no way I can do this every morning. No way. The dream was slow to fade – I could still feel the breath of the beast on me. It had always been such a merciless world before, too. So bright, so dry.
I guess it was good I went to sleep last night with my body-phone on. I was about to take the pendant off when the world’s most shameless guitar rang out. The heinous sound made me shudder. My leg shot up, sending my blanket up into the air.
I laughed. What I wouldn’t give to take a look inside the head of the person who programmed this stuff. That’d make life more fun.
I headed into the kitchen with my bodyphone playing and made coffee. Surrendering myself to the ridiculous rhythm, I pulled out a paper filter. Nothing beats the old way. That’s what tastes best.
With the hot mug in my hands, I went into Mum’s room. She was already awake, just staring at the ceiling.
‘There’s that face again!’
I handed her the mug of coffee, grinning like a fool.
‘Hey, what did you expect? At my age, when I wake up, I need a minute to sit here and just sigh at… I don’t know, the heartless logic of this world.’
‘You mean time?’
‘Yeah, time. It’s all I have, and it’s a big fat void. Sounds sad, right? But it’s not. And that’s what makes me so sad. Know what I mean?’
‘Sure I do. I’m pretty much over the hill myself.’
‘Come on, don’t start with that again.’
‘Start with what? It’s all downhill after twenty-five! And, you know, looking back is fine and all, but it’s awful when you turn to look forward only to see yourself looking back.’
‘You’re not making any sense, honey. Hey, a call came earlier. I was barely awake, so I left the cam off, but there was this tiny man on the other end. It wasn’t how I wanted to start the morning, eye to eye with this shorty.’
‘Takes one to know one. What’d the guy say?’
‘He asked if that friend of yours went into cryosleep. I told him I wasn’t sure.’
‘Oh, that guy. That’s her boyfriend. A real catch, right? Well, I guess they deserve each other. He’s such a freak. I dunno, maybe he’s not that bad. If that’s her thing, though, she’d be better off going out with a dog.’
‘You’re joking, right? You’re such a phony,’ Mum said, a smirk on her face.
I sat on the floor.
‘Yeah, obviously. I’m cursed, incapable of being serious with anybody. I could never say something like that and mean it. Just said it for kicks. No other intentions, base or otherwise.’
‘Maybe he’ll call again later.’
Mum threw on her gown and started looking around for her slippers.
‘He’s got to be wondering about her.’
‘Hey, keeping somebody under costs money, right? I wonder if the Population Department can stay in the black.’
‘They’re saying they can. What with their new methods and everything.’
‘That’s what they say, sure.’
‘Exactly. But maybe all those people are actually dead. The doctors at the Population Department show us all this data and swear that’s not the case, but who knows? We won’t know anything for sure until they’re unfrozen, and that’s waaay in the future.’
‘Hey, you okay? You look zapped.’
I picked at the carpet, saying nothing.
I killed that robot at the Centre ages ago. She made me remember that. The fact that I have zero remorse makes me feel weirdly cold — and sad. Dreaming every night was draining me. I could see her accusing finger pointed right at me. I horrified her. She’s probably itching to throw herself into some classical tragedy.
‘Do you really have to work today?’ I asked, mustering all the sweetness I could.
‘As if I have a choice…’
‘Aw, come on. Work’s the worst. What if we took a day off? We can live like a couple of bedridden biddies and have a good old-fashioned nap-off.’
‘You’re getting a whole lot of sleep these days.’
‘But I always wake up tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I’m so worn-out that I go back to bed early. Then I dream, and my dreams wear me out again.’
‘Honey, it sounds like you hate this friend of yours.’
‘Not at all.’
Mum set her mug down on the bedside table and lost herself in thought.
‘Did you talk to the doctor at the Centre?’
‘I told him everything. But lately it all feels so moronic. I mean, why should I bare my soul to this guy? Think about it. We don’t even know each other.’
I did like him once. He was basically a stand-in for my father, but he turned out to be completely useless. He never did anything for me. Still, I guess he filled a certain role for a little while. But I no longer had a need for him. Where the hell was I heading now? I was always moving from one attachment object to the next, no end in sight.