And Yoshiko probably thought that made me dangerous. It scared her.
‘You feeling okay, honey?’
She’s worried. Poor momma. How’d she wind up with a daughter like me?
‘Your head’s full of sawdust, like the stuff those dolls are made of,’ Mum said. ‘You’re like a composition doll.’
I felt even worse now than when I got up. Music wasn’t working. I turned off my pendant, killing the sound no one else could hear.
‘Isn’t there some way to keep yourself from dreaming?’
‘There is. But you’ll go insane if you keep it up. Schizophrenics are fine without REM sleep because they dream during the day, with their eyes open.’
Mum frowned at me.
‘Hey, wanna eat?’ A necessary change of subject.
‘What’s going on with you these days? All you ever want to do is eat. You sick?’
Mum went into the kitchen.
‘Sick of not having a man in my life.’ I tried making Mum laugh, but I missed the mark. Staggering to my feet, I dragged myself to the dining table.
‘I thought you had a guy.’
‘I got bored.’
‘Did something happen?’
‘Don’t be stupid, Mum. Nothing happened – that’s why I was bored. He didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing. I’m just beyond it. I guess I’ve achieved enlightenment.’
‘Yeah, right.’ This time she laughed. I could tell by the way her back shook.
Ever since Yoshiko started showing up in my dreams, all I wanted was more sleep, more food. Did I want to die? No, that wasn’t it.
The phone rang.
I went to the screen and flicked the switch. Even that took it out of me. The doctor’s face appeared in front of me.
‘Oh, good morning.’
He bobbed his head a little like he was sorry to bother me. I did the same in return.
‘It’s been a while since we’ve seen you at the Centre. Is everything okay? Do you want to put our meetings on hold for a little while?’
‘It’s just’ – suddenly I was a child again – ‘there’s no point.’
‘Geez! Will you listen to this kid,’ Mum muttered, twisting her neck to look at me.
‘Why would you say that?’ The doctor blinked.
‘Because I don’t need a cure, even if I am sick.’
‘But you’re not sick.’
‘What difference does it make? I’m so wiped. All I mean is, I think I’ve made my peace. Like, I’m fine the way I am.’
Safe to say I’m definitely not.
‘If that’s how you feel…’
The doctor looked down for a second, then lifted his head again.
‘Well, you should come visit whenever you’re feeling up to it. Are you working?’
‘Not really, no.’
‘Then how about next Friday morning? If you’re heading somewhere else, maybe you could stop by.’
Why’s he being so polite? Poor guy. What the hell’s going on with me? Why am I taking pity on everybody this morning?
‘I’ll see what I can do,’ I said softly, ashamed.
‘Well, I’ll be waiting. Take care.’
Then the screen went dark. Like a fading dream.
Mum started setting out cups and plates.
‘You’ve been like this ever since the transfer, a shadow of your former self.’
Mum took some time to think, then continued, ‘What if you had them erase her? Could you?’
‘Yeah, any time.’
‘Well, maybe you should.’
‘Not yet. I still wanna see where this goes. I kinda feel like something’s gonna happen, something crazy.’
‘You always want to see how far you can push things — it’s gonna be your downfall.’
‘Yeah, you may be right,’ I said as I started stuffing myself.
‘From the sound of it, she’s not a bad person.’
‘That’s what makes it so hard. The whole thing really bums me out, but I guess it kinda appeals to me, too, almost like a game. It’s like, who has more willpower, you know? Except it’s my dream, so it’s a little unfair. Still, nothing goes the way I want, either, so maybe things are actually more balanced than I thought.’
‘Just forget about work. What if you went roller skating?’
‘Yeah, that’s what Lucky said.’
‘That guy keeps on calling, huh?’
‘He’s cute, like a puppy. Simple and cheerful and full of energy. A while back, we were going through the park at night and it was a full moon, so Lucky got down on all fours, looked up at the moon and started howling. God, I looove that side of him.’
I cracked a smile. I honestly felt that way, but there wasn’t any spark there. It was more like I was looking down on him from a great height.
‘So why don’t you call him? He’s got nothing else going for him, other than being a good kid, but he’s way better than the other boys. Taller, too.’
I almost gagged on my soup. Height is all she cares about when it comes to boys. Height first, then smarts. For me, I don’t care that much about brains. What really matters is how much the guy listens to me. Of course, I don’t act that way with Lucky. It’s never even crossed my mind to try to get him to understand me. All I ever think about is how I can trick him. I know, ‘trick him’ is a funny way to put it. I just want us to have fun together while we can. But I can feel my desire to be with him slipping.
When we were done eating and I was getting changed, the phone rang. It was Lucky.
‘How’s it going?’
He always seems so happy.
‘Like this,’ I said, switching on my cam. I unbuttoned my blouse so he could see the lacy bra he’d given me. Why was this guy sending me this kind of stuff anyway?
‘Whoa, whoa. Put ’em away! I’m with Buddy Boy.’
I buttoned up.
‘Why aren’t you guys at school?’
‘We bailed. You get my tapes?’
‘Yeah. They were insanely good. My favourite’s the one with all the vile, ear-splitting tracks.’
‘I bet they had you flapping around like a fish out of water.’
‘Oh, I thought I was gonna die!’
Please, please stay this way forever, I thought. Always happy — never sad, never serious, never in pain. It’d mean the world to me, just to know you can go on being the way you are. Far, far away from me.
‘And that’s what they call art. I have no idea what they’re trying to say, making music like that. Makes you wonder what they were thinking, huh?’
Lucky would just glide right on, same as always. He would get into all kinds of things but never go deep. All his value was right there on the surface. And that was why Mum thought he was such a playboy.
‘I can’t go out today.’ I almost wanted to tell him why, but it was too much trouble.
‘Why not?’
‘You wouldn’t understand. It’s an adult thing.’
‘Pssh, I’m only two years younger than you.’
‘You’re young for your age, Lucky. And that’s what I like about you.’
I meant it, too. This was no act. But I could feel a comfortable distance growing between us. Which was fine.
‘Hey, we’re gonna be at this guy’s house later.’ He grabbed Buddy from off cam. ‘You know the place, right? Don’t keep us waiting. Cool?’
He always had the weirdest way of talking – brutal one second, sweet the next. Before I knew it, I was nodding.
Where am I? Standing in a dim corridor, inside what seems to be some gigantic building. I’m barefoot, in a bathrobe.
There are doors all around me, but they don’t touch the floor, don’t reach the ceiling. Every one of them is the entrance to a shower stall.
I start walking, my bare feet slapping against the floor. I don’t know where I’m heading, but I guess I’m looking for a way out. I start at the far end, opening the doors one at a time. Nobody anywhere. When I turn a corner, all I see is more doors. Another hallway, cold and wet.