I guess she’s right about that.
—Look, the window. There’s a crack in it, so the air’s got to be fine.
I walked away from the room. It looked like the building was buried under a gentle hill. The corridors weren’t corridors anymore. More like a cave system.
Timidly, I made my way toward the source of the cold, white light. I could see a storm outside the cave. The sea was close. Trees that looked like black palms were blowing in the wind. There was a narrow trail of clay so weather-beaten it was almost gone in places. I could tell we were at the edge of an inlet.
—There are people, way over there. That’s where I want to go, but there’s no way in hell…
The more I talk with her, the more I sound like a boy. Even though it’s not like that when we argue. She starts clinging to me.
—Is this the end of the world?
Calm down. It’s not like you’re the only one who’s scared here.
—I dunno.
—What were you thinking? Why’d you destroy the world?
—It’s not like all life has been wiped out!
—Those aren’t human beings. Hey, do you think it was a nuclear war?
—No way. I have a feeling this world is in another dimension.
—So what do you think happened?
I don’t know how to respond. I’m afraid that if I voiced the doubts spreading inside me like ink, they might become real.
The kind of light you see before the dawn, its brightness unchanging…
We were standing at the top of a hill. All around us was a waste-land of red earth. This planet has to be extremely small — there’s a roundness to the horizon.
She couldn’t speak for a while. It was all too much.
The sky hanging over our heads had transformed into a dome. Harsh, mineral light covered every inch of the hard blue surface. At the centre of it all was a pasted yellow sun that looked like cheese. It had a cruelty to it, like a giant eye glaring down at the beings on the surface.
—This place is terrible.
She spoke at last.
Each ray of light was like a needle, offering no warmth, but it was so bright it stung. Nothing in this place had a shadow.
—I wish there were people here.
—Even if there were, they probably wouldn’t be any help.
—Still, I wish there were people.
Maybe she got her wish. Slowly, I turned around and saw a group of humans – maybe fifty or sixty of them, crawling along the earth like ants. What was this? Forced labour?
I heard a siren blaring somewhere, announcing some catastrophe.
—All this nothingness… It’s horrible.
—One time, I was in a town with light like this, but it was a town. Still, I could tell all the buildings were just some kind of backdrop. When I looked at the backs, they were nothing but plywood. The sky was an ominous purple. The roads were packed with people and cars, though.
—Don’t tell me you like this kind of world.
—I don’t hate it.
—Why not? It doesn’t make any sense!
—Beats me. I can’t explain it.
—What’s there to like about a place like this?
—For starters, look at how immaculate it is. This light blanches everything.
—You’re out to annihilate the human race!
—Yeesh, you sound like a broken record. The thought’s never even crossed my mind!
—Is there no real life left in your world? No friends? No school? Do you hate those things?
—You kidding? I love them.
While I fielded her questions, I had to ask myself: What was it about her that was turning me into a man? Got to be all that femininity. She’s acting like such a woman (as society defines the role, anyway) that I have to play the man just to keep the balance. What if I ran into a boy? Could I even play the part of a woman?
I don’t need any men here — not Lucky, not the doctor, nobody. I’ve already got everything I need.
Syzygy? Androgyny? I’m no man and I’m no woman. Who needs gender anyway? I just want to get out of this place, to be on my own.
I’ve got no desire to see the collapse of humankind or the end of the world. I just want everyone to enjoy their lives. That’s why I came here — to a different time stream, a different planet, a different universe.
—You hate this world, don’t you?
I asked with sympathy.
—Yeah, I hate it.
She’s still pissed off. Poor thing. She really has zero grasp on the situation.
Here, in this place, you’re only a shadow.
—I don’t know how it got this way. It wasn’t like this before, not until you came along.
—You mean it’s my fault?
—That’s not what I’m saying. But why can’t you just stop caring?
—Like you don’t care? That’s bull. You’ve got your own likes and dislikes, too. Even when it comes to people.
—’Course I do. It’s all light and shadow, practically nothing in the middle. And I get a kick out of making fun of the people I hate. But, on a more basic level, I don’t care. I don’t care and that’s what makes it so fun.
—All at the same time?
—Yeah, all at the same time.
—And it’s always been like that?
—Ever since I was little. Don’t get me wrong, I have all these emotions inside. I get angry all the time. But if I try to think about why I feel that way, there’s no real reason. I just get angry cause I’m bored.
—Does that go for everything you do? It’s so unnatural.
—I guess it does, so it’s natural for me. Everything feels serious, and everything feels like a pose, not that it really makes any difference. I can act all kinds of ways, but in the end it’s always an act.
—What about the real you? Aren’t you just repressing your true nature?
—That’s what I’m saying. This is the real me, this is who I am.
—That’s the saddest thing I ever heard. To think that’s the only way you can live.
—It doesn’t make any difference, though. I mean, who cares?
The needling light was unchanging. What if this planet’s sun is just a ridiculously powerful light bulb? That’d explain why it isn’t moving. But if it doesn’t move… What about time? Had it stopped?
—You’re off your rocker.
—Yeah, rockin’ and rollin’. Doesn’t bother me.
There was a line running straight across the blue firmament, like someone was slicing the dome in two from the outside with a giant razor.
A thin black line rose slowly from the horizon.
—What is this? What are you doing?
—Don’t ask me.
She always wanted to attach motives to everything. Otherwise she couldn’t relax.
The invisible razor cut right through the flat clump of yellow sun.
—I can’t live in a world like this!
Her whole body was trembling. I’d seen her like this once before, in the waking world. I went to her house one day, and we were just sitting at the dining table, talking, when she started convulsing like crazy. This wasn’t your average twitch. It was some real fork-in-socket stuff. I wanted to say something, but I got the feeling she didn’t even know what she was doing, so I decided against it.
There was one other reason I kept quiet, too. I was afraid. She really had no idea what was going on – she just kept talking about her favourite celebrity, shaking the whole time. That really scared the hell out of me.
I remember thinking how if she ever went crazy, she’d be the type to sink into some murky abyss without even realizing it. Even our madnesses were opposite. For me, it was always a conscious thing. I wanted to be this way — and that’s why I dispatched myself to this far-flung world.
—Hey, you can do whatever you want.
I couldn’t take all the talk. I looked up at the sky. At the beautiful hard dome, split clean in two. And when it opens up, on the other side… a black, empty, sinister void… if I can just make it there, maybe time will…