A slip came for me.
Choose? I don’t want to choose anything.
When I put the piece of paper on the table and cradled my head, Mum came over.
‘Wanna make a run for it? Momma will figure something out.’
A long time ago (when was that?) I felt pity for this person. If I were the same person I was then, I would have felt the same, I’m sure of it. But I’m different now, never feeling anything.
‘Hey. Talk to me.’
The woman who gave birth to me peeled my fingers off my head. Softly, too – one at a time.
‘My head hurts,’ I said in a hoarse whisper.
‘I know. You don’t want to go under.’
‘It’s not that,’ I said, shaking my aching head slightly.
‘What is it?’
‘A purely physiological pain.’
She never came back to my dream world again. There was no merging of shadows inside me, either. I had her erased. Now she lives in somebody else’s dreams. I was alone again, in my own twisted world, unbothered by all other forms of life. I felt whole again.
Same as in this world, I could feel my own heart stop. That had been going on for some time, even during the day. There were times when I lost all feeling, when I truly felt nothing. I felt like I could do anything — even kill someone. It happened once a year or so. Then when my emotions would start up again, I’d shudder at my own heartlessness… But that would fade over time… In my dreams, there was nothing holding me back, and that was where I truly felt free.
My head hurt because every time I go to sleep I stare right into that blinding light, never even blinking.
‘It’s okay, though. I’m feeling a little better.’
I took my hands off my head and looked at Mum. What a cute face she’s got.
‘I wish it came to me instead.’
She’s talking about the slip. But of course it came to me, of course it did.
‘Hey,’ I said, remembering I had something to say.
‘What?’
‘Don’t hate me, but I’m not going to transfer into your dreams.’
‘So who are you…?’
‘No, I don’t want to be in anybody’s dreams. I want to go someplace where there’s nothing.’
My mental work was over now. All thanks to Yoshiko.
‘You…’
‘Come on, don’t say anything embarrassing. Nothing about self-destruction or despair, okay? It’s not like that, not at all.’
I just want them all to stay sunny — Mum, Lucky, the doctor. It doesn’t bother me that I’m not going to see them anymore, not even a little. Different kinds of people belong in different kinds of worlds. And, lucky enough for me, mine’s a world within reach.
I want to keep on living. Forever. And that’s how it’s going to be. I’ll become a lone eye somewhere, floating, without consciousness.
‘Your soul’s not like mine, is it? It’s really something else,’ Mum said.
‘Yeah,’ I said, softly. ‘Something nowhere near as good.’
NIGHT PICNIC
Junior’s dad came in while he was studying at his desk.
‘Well? How’s it coming along?’
Dad looked over Junior’s shoulder, mouthing a cigarette.
‘Good… Hey, aren’t you supposed to light those things?’
‘Oh, right. I keep forgetting.’
Dad produced a lighter from his pocket and lit the cigarette. He drew the smoke into his lungs.
‘Come on, Dad. You’re the one who’s always saying that we can’t forget to act like Earthlings.’
‘Got me there. Sorry, son… I know it’s up to me to set a good example for the family. As Earthlings, it’s our responsibility, regardless of the time or place, to carry on our way of life. To be the very model of a family. Especially since we’re so far away from Earth, out here on our own.’
‘Yeah. I guess you’re right.’
He examined his father’s outfit.
Dad wore a black double-breasted suit, paired with a black shirt and a white tie. Red rose thrust in the buttonhole of his lapel, hat on his head, thick rings cladding his fingers.
‘Spiffy, huh? Pretty sharp for your old dad. I took a couple of cues from a guy I saw on a video I was watching earlier, all dressed up and dancing.’
‘Hey, I watched that one too. So I guess that makes this a dancing costume?’
Junior weighed his words, careful not to sound like he was talking back.
‘Ridiculous.’ Dad puffed out his chest. ‘In other videos, I’ve seen guys wear this kind of thing while riding in cars, or having their nails trimmed at the barber shop. And everyone who sees them treats them with respect. Which, if you ask me, makes this the perfect outfit for a father.’
‘Okay, but how come you’re almost twice as fat as yesterday?’
‘You have to be this big, or else a double-breasted suit won’t look right,’ Dad said, lacking conviction.
Junior decided not to argue. He shut his book. ‘I’m making decent progress with deciphering for the day. Honestly, now that I’ve got the hang of it… it’s kinda fun.’
‘No one’s forcing you to enjoy it… I wonder if this book’s legit, though. Seems there are three kinds of books: ones that are all lies, ones that are half lies and half true, and ones that are true through and through. Hard telling which is which.’
‘You got that right. Why is that? Why bother stringing all those words together if the end result is one big lie?’
Father and son pondered the question. This was a persistent mystery to them. Junior in particular was sceptical. They assumed the videos, at least, were telling the truth, but what were they supposed to do if those were lying, too?
‘We human beings are complicated creatures.’ Dad sighed. This observation, while not exactly helpful, struck him as a pretty cool thing to say.
‘I think this book is true, though,’ Junior said. ‘It even provides a date for everything.’
‘Righto! Keen observation, boy. So smart. Like a father, like a son.’ Dad beamed. ‘You know, I failed to notice that myself. It’s hard to tell what aeon most of these books come from.’
‘This one’s set in nineteenth-century America. I found it on the map. It talks about the War Between the States. But the main character’s a woman.’
‘Once you’re finished deciphering, tell me if they explain why humans ventured into space.’
‘I’m not so sure they will, but I’ll keep going anyway. This woman just had her heart broken. Look how many pages I still have left though! So maybe there’s time yet for her to wind up on a spaceship. I mean, when people get jilted, don’t they usually skip town?’
The gifted son spoke with certainty.
‘Suppose so…’ Dad cocked his head.
‘You know, like take a trip? You hear a lot of that in songs.’
‘I guess so.’
‘I kinda want to try getting my heart broken.’
‘I think you’d need to be in a relationship…’
‘What about my sister?’
‘Right. Sure, worth a try.’
‘First, though, we have to meet up at a dance party, or go on a date or something.’
‘Don’t get your hopes up. There’s only four of us Earthlings left, after all… Who else would you invite? The monsters that gambol they beyond the hill they do?’
‘Wait, but can’t those guys transform so that they look exactly like us? We could make them tons of nice clothes with the replicator. Then they’d have something to wear.’
‘They don’t have any interest in that kind of thing. The concept of a civilized existence is beyond them. We’re lucky they’re tame. They won’t do us any harm, but they’re obviously a different form of life. Who knows what they’re thinking? They’d have a lot more fun if they were living in our automated city. But they insist on roughing it. They must prefer it that way.’