‘I can’t do anything about it. I have to eat with the others in the canteen so we can hatch our plans and talk over all the possibilities,’ Sol explained patiently, squeezing her hand.
‘But I’m the only one who’s being excluded. I know it’s because I’m a Terran.’
Beyond the reaches of Emma’s understanding, a complex situation was unfolding – and Sol was concealing it from her.
‘I wish I’d never met you. I’ve left my family and my home behind me, and all you do is ostracize me.’
‘Not this again. Please try and understand my position.’
‘And how am I supposed to do that? There’s no way of understanding it when I’ve no clue what’s going on!’
‘Look, I understand that you’re angry because you’re cooped up all alone here. But we can’t let you go walking around. There are also their feelings to consider.’
‘I’m not well, Sol. I feel like I’m going mad.’
If only Sol would look her in the eye when he was talking to her. He’d begun to lose weight and had become lethargic, his eyes alone hinting at his old energy with a glint of intense colour. He reminded her of a dragonfly. Was he eating properly? Was he not getting enough sleep?
‘I find it hard to breathe, Sol. I’ve no appetite, and I feel dizzy all the time. Symptoms this bad can’t just be a matter of a change in environment. I don’t think it’s a question of the food not agreeing with me, either. Is there something in the food here? Some kind of drug?’
Sol continued to stare at the wall. She went to touch his shoulder but then felt, instinctively, that she shouldn’t. His face in profile looked unspeakably depressed.
‘I’ll send for a doctor,’ he said after a while, his voice gravelly.
‘Are we still not there yet? How much longer will it take?’
‘The ship’s pilot isn’t very good at navigating the warps. He got his licence over thirty years ago.’ He turned to look at her and smiled.
‘What are you hiding, Sol? What’s happened?’ She reached out and touched his shoulder.
‘I’m not hiding anything!’ Sol roared. She saw a muscle in his cheek spasm. His eyes narrowed and blazed with a violent green light. His white face looked like it was made of plastic.
‘I’m sick of this! I want to go back to Earth!’ Emma cried, her voice faltering.
‘Go back then! Right now! Get them to send out a rescue rocket.’
Sol’s face was blanched to transparency. Emma stood up, making to push past him and leave the room. At the very last moment, Sol’s arm flew out and knocked her down. Emma registered the blow to her forehead and then came the pain. Sol squeezed the fist he’d used to punch her with his other hand.
‘Don’t make a fuss,’ he said in a strangely restrained voice. ‘If you can’t trust me, then forgive me. But even if you can’t do that, you can’t just give up.’ His voice had regained its usual composure. He sounded sad. ‘You mustn’t forget, Emma. I’ll never forget how you were when I first met you, and all the things that’ve happened since. Why do you think it is that we haven’t had a war on my planet for two millennia? It’s because we don’t forget. We don’t forget the fear or the tragedy. When feelings like that are powerful enough, they get into our genes – just a small amount, but that’s all it takes. When an emotion’s sufficiently strong, we can’t ever forget about it.’
Emma pressed a hand to the lump already forming on her forehead.
‘Does it hurt?’ Sol said, drawing closer and touching her face.
‘Yes.’
‘Why do you forget things so quickly? Meelians could never look back on war with nostalgia – nationalistic, planetary or otherwise. Our feelings don’t change or get eroded over time. And so when we reach a certain age – it differs from person to person, but when that person’s mental capacity reaches its capacity, it means their time has come.’
Now Sol was looking her straight in the eye, speaking in a voice that was almost a whisper as if he were trying to soothe her to sleep. She could smell his breath.
‘Will that happen to you too, Sol?’ She looked away from him.
‘Yes.’
‘When? You’re not trying to tell me that your time is coming?’
‘I can’t say. Even if I knew, I couldn’t tell anyone,’ he said. He seemed to be suffering.
‘Are there some people who tell others?’
‘I suppose.’
Silence reigned between them. The cabin had no windows, so there was no looking out at the stars outside. How much more of this would she have to endure – this confinement for reasons she didn’t even understand? The cream ceiling seemed to get lower all the time.
Emma could hear the faint growl of an engine. Was that the ship’s computer? There would be no returning to Earth, Emma thought to herself.
‘I’m exhausted.’
She went back to bed. She had all the time in the world to sleep. That was all she did of late. Every day she grew thinner and frailer; every day more of her physical strength deserted her.
‘Tomorrow we’re going to get married,’ Sol said as he left the room.
Emma felt so despondent she didn’t know what to do with herself. It seemed as though she was falling into a fathomless dark pit. It took everything she had to crawl out of bed.
For her wedding, Emma didn’t change out of her indoor spacesuit. She felt terrible for the duration of the ceremony. She understood that she and Sol were marrying solely in order to procure the paperwork that would allow her to enter Meele. But she didn’t want to be tied to Sol at an unhappy time like this. She felt she’d been dragged into marriage.
When it was over, Emma returned to bed and was given medicine and an injection. I’m going to die soon, she thought. It’s possible I’m being used as a guinea pig here.
Jebba appeared in her room. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Awful.’ It was an effort to speak, and her voice came out raspy.
‘You’re not happy?’ he asked solicitously.
‘As if I could be happy! I never imagined that marrying Sol could make me feel this awful. I know that this is all part of some plot.’ She shot Jebba a piercing glance.
‘You shouldn’t talk too much, you’ll tire yourself out.’
‘Do you think I care? I’m going to die soon anyway. I’ll talk all I want. You can all fuck off and die! There’ll be plenty of time for your goddamn reasoning then!’
‘Look, the Terran government went and announced that the Space Bureau director’s sister has been abducted by Meelians. We had to carry out a wedding ceremony to show it was consensual. But the Earth side won’t believe it, anyway. They’re going to say you’ve been blackmailed or you agreed while under the influence of drugs. Of course it’s not like they actually believe these things, but that’s the message.’
‘None of that matters to me.’
Emma was feeling utterly desperate. How miserable it would be to breathe her last in a spaceship like this one!
‘And they’re pinning another crime on Sol as well. Do you know Luana? She was killed two days before we left.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t be surprised Sol did it,’ Emma wailed.
Sol chose this moment to enter the room.
Emma glared at him, eyes full of malice. Jebba took his leave, and Sol sat down in the chair, his eyes glinting as they turned on her.
The noise of the computer was joined by a different dull thumping sound, resonating all around the room. Sol sat there, saying nothing.
‘So you’re being charged with murder? That’s just great.’ Emma said, coughing. She even managed a faint smile.
‘You think so, do you?’ His face was a strange shade, as if he was feverish.
‘I don’t know what you did to Luana, but I know that you’re gradually killing me.’