‘Ya think?’
Okay, now I get it. She got a slip. She’s never said anything about cryosleep before. Not a word.
‘The way they’re doing this, it doesn’t make any sense. You know what I’m saying?’
Sure I did. But saying so wasn’t going to change anything now. ‘Well, it’s a lottery, so…’
Now she was getting worked up. She shook her head, then reached into her bag and pulled out a ratty but pristinely folded handkerchief. She took a corner and dabbed neatly at the corner of her eye. If it were me, the same action would have been so sloppy and careless. We really couldn’t be more different, the two of us.
‘But that isn’t true, I’m sure of it. Top government officials are definitely getting special treatment!’
If you’re so sure, then why bother asking me for my opinion?
‘It’s so unfair…’ Her voice started to crack with emotion. ‘Don’t you think it’s unfair?’
‘I do, I do.’
She wasn’t interested in what I had to say. She was just talking at me. But that’s the way we’d talk: duelling monologues, each of us in a bubble all her own, no hope of ever going anywhere.
‘I know one of the ministers got a slip the other day, but that was a total sham. They’re just trying to win the public over. Most people have no idea what’s going on. Everyone knows that from an international perspective…’ Another habit of hers: producing long strings of borrowed thoughts she hasn’t bothered digesting.
‘Gee whiz, looks like I’m about to get a real wake-up call…’
Sarcasm undetected.
‘No, that’s not…’ she said, her cheeks a little red. Then she kept on going. ‘The Population Control Act went into effect a century ago, but it never should’ve happened…’ – she couldn’t stop herself now – ‘…law of death… crime against humanity…’ Blah blah blah.
All I could do was wait for her to calm down. She talked and talked and was still miles from making her point, whatever that might be. Still, I played the role of concerned friend, listening to her vent for nearly two fucking hours. Whenever she got that way, I couldn’t help but feel like I was just some human-shaped receptacle, there to receive her emotional excreta.
Of all people, though, why me? I’m a far cry from the shoulder-to-cry-on type.
‘Hey, do your parents know?’
‘I couldn’t bring myself to tell them… But I guess they got their own notice about it. It’s true what they say, being a parent can be a real drag.’
‘Yeah, I guess.’
I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
‘They’re losing their minds, both of them. Know what I mean?’
‘Sure, I get it.’
Hurry up, already. Yeesh.
‘Seeing them in person would’ve been way too much. I couldn’t do it. I mean, who could’ve seen this coming?’
The words coming out of her mouth are so tragic they’re actually comical.
‘Come on, no one’s gonna die or anything,’ I said, trying to console her, but it backfired.
‘Same difference! No one who’s gone under has ever come back, not once.’
‘’Course not. It’s only been thirty years.’
‘And the worst part is all those stupid kids who actually want to go under! They go along with the crowd, even though they have no idea what’s going on.’
‘What, and you do?’
‘Hey, I’m not saying I have all the answers. But it’s kinda obvious if you think about it. The population’s out of control, so they’re trying to keep it in check. They act like it’s just a little nap or something. It scares me how everyone’s so cool about it, but I guess that’s the world we live in. Everyone’s so numb they can’t even take life seriously anymore —’
‘Sure, sure.’
‘Come on, I’m being serious.’
Did I hurt her feelings?
‘Okay, what do you want me to say? Tell me and I’ll say it.’
‘Now you’re making fun of me.’
Wait, she just figured that out now?
‘Hey, we’re not getting anywhere like this.’
‘Okay, fine,’ she said, putting her hand on her forehead.
I was pretty worn out, but I had to try to get her back on track. ‘You had something you wanted to ask me, right?’
‘Right. I was wondering if you’d be okay with me transferring… to your dreams…’ She was staring right at me, her question hanging in the air between us.
‘Okay. Why not.’
‘Huh!’
‘“Huh”? You mean you wanted me to say no?’
‘No no, you just… blurted it out.’
‘Want me to reconsider?’
‘That’s not what I’m saying…’
I got it. She wanted me to look deep into her eyes (holding her hands in mine) and give my solemn assent. She was convinced that everything that matters is revealed in big melodramatic moments. She was disappointed to be deprived of her precious climax.
‘It’s just most people transfer to a family member or a lover. Not that I’m opposed…’
‘I understand.’
Understand what?
‘You know we’re total opposites, right? You’re okay with that?’
‘That’s kind of the point. I asked my parents, of course. Neither one of them is much of a dreamer.’
‘Everybody dreams. If I dig deep, I can remember at least four dreams a night. The question’s whether or not you remember.’
‘I guess you’re right. That makes sense.’
‘You just don’t want to be forgotten, do you?’
‘Of course I don’t! That’s the whole idea, right? What’s the point of being transferred if you won’t even be remembered?’
She was always so quick to agree with everything I said. What a way to live. Were her own thoughts so nebulous they couldn’t resist the pull of other people’s opinions and ideas?
‘I dream every night. It really takes it out of me, too. My dreams are always so fucking vivid.’
‘That’s why I’m asking you. I mean, we’re definitely on the same wavelength.’
‘Yeah, I guess so.’
‘From the time you get the slip, they give you fifty days. So before they put me under, we’ll have to go to the Population Department together. I guess they have these helmets or whatever that they have to put on us.’
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘It’s supposed to take ten minutes or so, wait time included.’
‘I bet they’re really backed up, what with all the people out there dying to be frozen.’
‘Whole families, even. If you’re terminally ill, I can get that. But some of them have the craziest reasons. They want their son to be a spaceman or something. Stuff like that.’
‘I dunno, kinda makes sense.’
‘But not for us. It’s way too optimistic. The Population Network is constantly broadcasting images of some perfect metropolis in a future full of nature and all-round prosperity. Most people are so naive they buy it, too. So many kids out there want to be crew members that it’s getting seriously competitive. They want to wait until they can make enough ships. They can call it cryosleep all they want, but it’s death — they’re putting these people to death.’
‘So when’s good?’
Called back to reality, she balled her handkerchief in her hands.
‘Um… How about next week? I’ll set it up so we can go drinking after.’
Hardly necessary. All we had to do was stop by the nearest office – walk-ins welcome. We could find a bar wherever we went, no problem.
I was feeling worn out again. I should have said no. We’re just so different.
Like most people these days, I don’t overthink things. I’ll go along with whatever. No firm beliefs, no hang-ups. Just a lack of self-confidence tangled up in fatalistic resignation. Whatever the situation, nothing ever reaches me on an emotional level. Nothing’s important. Because I won’t let it be. I operate on mood alone. No regrets, no looking back.