Before me, the world stretches out flat, smooth and featureless. Gentle and inconstant.
But this friend of mine was a serious stickler. Every single thing she did was awkward, wholly devoid of charm.
We’d been friends for years, but not once had she ever surprised me. I don’t care who it is, everyone’s got to have a side to them that takes you by surprise, typically something childish: an unexpected purity, naiveté, coldness…
Then there was her. No ups, no downs. Living in her own tiny world, clinging to the past, indecisive, maudlin, overemotional.
But it was fine.
It was too much of a hassle to back out now. Why bother? Though I suspected thinking like this was a bad habit of mine, I also reasoned that even if I granted this obstinate soul entry into my mental universe, it’d only be while I was asleep.
‘You have time now?’ I asked, injecting my voice with a shot of levity, hoping it’d clear the air of bad vibes.
‘Sure. You wanna get something to drink?’
‘Let’s drop by the Population Department first.’
‘You mean now? Are you sure?’
‘It’s not like we have to do anything to get ready. As long as we’re sober, whatever works, right?’
‘Well, I guess. It’s just so sudden…’
What was going on in her brain? Why make such a big deal out of some stupid little transfer? It’s not like it’s a birthday or something.
‘It doesn’t matter when we do it, right?’
‘I know, but…’
‘Look, if we’re gonna do it, why drag our feet? Let’s get it over with.’
I pulled out enough money to cover my own coffee, all the while wondering if she’d take it as an insult.
‘Don’t worry. I’ve got it,’ she said, waving her hand, but I ignored her and stood up.
‘Oh, by the way,’ I said, ‘what happened to that guy from last year? He’d let you transfer, wouldn’t he?’
She gulped.
‘Forget about him,’ she said, her voice high and borderline threatening. ‘Just let it go, okay?’
I didn’t say anything else. I sighed and followed her out.
I’m standing under a bright blue sky.
In front of me is a path stretching out like a white ribbon, zigzagging over a gentle hill, then disappearing beyond the curve.
It’s spring. Just the thought of spring fills me with joy. And it’s that much better because there’s nobody else around. Slowly, I start walking.
It’s so warm here. Feels good. My mind’s a total blank. I leave countless shells – sloughed-off selves – in my wake.
In moments like this, I swear I can almost feel eternity.
Someone’s behind me.
Didn’t see that coming.
Eyes. I can feel a sticky gaze on my back. When something creeps up behind you like that, it can only be the past – or an enemy. Darkness, something incomprehensible.
And on a beautiful day like this… I almost click my tongue. The air behind me is heavy. I feel something warm on my neck, something like an animal’s breath.
Pulled by an invisible string, I spin around.
It’s her.
She’s just standing there, looking clueless.
Why’d she appear right behind me like that? Why not up ahead or off to the side?
—You scared me! It’s been two months.
—They put me under yesterday. That’s why I’m here now, or at least my consciousness is.
Huh. So this is a dream.
—How do you feel?
—Pretty good, actually. Loads lighter.
—Funny, you look just as heavy to me.
—Because that’s how you see me.
—Think so?
—It’s not just me. This whole world is yours. You’re responsible for all you see.
What the hell? She appears out of nowhere and starts telling me how everything’s my responsibility?
—Hey, if you don’t like it, no one’s forcing you to stick around.
—That’s not what I said.
—Do what you want. This is the world for me, though.
Just feel it, the soft light of the sun. It’s like an invisible scarf.
—Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I like what you’ve done with the weather. And it’s really good to see you.
Guess she’s in a good mood.
—Likewise.
Not really, but I can play along all the same.
—But this place is way too dry.
—Oh yeah? I don’t really have anything to compare it against.
—Mine’s wetter, a gentler world.
—Well, well, well…
—And it’s bright here, too bright.
Why’d she bother saying sorry if she was just going to keep on nagging? What’s her deal?
That instant, the sky changes colour like nothing I’ve ever seen.
—Wh-what was that?
—It changed, just the way you wanted it.
But that isn’t true. The sky is mirroring my mood.
—Whoa! Things can change that quickly? Kinda scary.
Well – I start to say – don’t get all mushy on me now, but I bite my tongue. If this is where we’re starting, it’s pretty easy to see where we’re heading.
Low and ominous, dark clouds rush by at frightening speed, roaring like a dragon clearing its throat. How would she react if Wagner started playing and a black fortress appeared out of nowhere?
My mood has soured in no time. No surprises there. I guess I usually end up like this when I’m with her.
The sky settles into a smudgy charcoal, the diffuse light of the sun blurring the edges of the landscape all around us.
Lacking the will to walk further, I sit down on the grass. She plants herself beside me and starts futzing with her skirt.
—Hey, what’s that?
—A robot from when I was a kid. He was at the Centre, but that was maybe twenty years ago. Wonder what he’s doing here.
The robot wheezes closer, wheels spinning, lights on his head blinking. He’s the most primitive model — the kind kids go nuts for. He makes a noise like a fuzz guitar, like he’s saying LET’S PLAY TOGETHER.
—I spent a whole lot of time with this robot. He was my only friend.
She’s making me dig up childhood memories. I’m a hard-core people-pleaser, even in my dreams.
—Wow!
Is she actually blushing? She’s such a sucker for schmaltz. It’s like she gets drunk on emotion, like it’s a religion for her.
—That’s love for you. It’s always there, deep inside our hearts.
That kind of sentimental bullshit always kills my buzz.
I reach out and flick the robot. It’s reduced to a pile of rubbish in an instant. Nothing inside.
The look of shock on her face. Then that shock turns to sadness. I can see it in her eyes. Whatever. Like I even care.
—It must have been hard for you, going so long without love.
—Listen to the words coming out of your mouth! If I ever said something so sappy, I’d bite off my tongue and die of embarrassment. There are laws against saying stuff like that in this world.
I’m just making it up as I go.
—Wait, what?
—Seriously. The Ban on Sentimentality. Break it and you’ll dissolve into nothingness. Your perspective will linger on a little, then even that’ll dry up and get blown away by the wind. Like that! Poof, and you’re gone.
—Hold on, that’s insane. I mean, I just got here. Now you’re saying it’s my way or the highway? Nobody can change just like that.
She’s trying to smile, but it looks more like she’s having a stroke. I want to say something, to make some snide remark, but can’t bring myself to do it. Same as always. She doesn’t get jokes anyway, so what’s the point?
I’m repulsed by my own nastiness. Nothing like that’s ever happened before.